[EyesUnclouded]

Hi, I'm new here. I was diagnosed at age 13, (actually no one will actually put any diagnosis in writing because i'm so young, which I cant stand.) and I'm 19 now. The closest thing they can put me to is bipolar. I had a terrible time in my early teens, but for the past few years I had been doing pretty great! I was on a mix of Seroquel and lithium and it was pretty effective, but the side effects were terrible. For the past year I have been on a vitamin supplement called q96. It worked amazingly for me for a long time! But these past few months I feel like I have been slipping again, and my mind is much more muddled.

There are a few things which I cannot get a grip on that I need advice with.

In the past year I have had 5 jobs. I have started college, dropped classes, switched jobs..... I cant seem to stand anything for too long. It all starts out ok and fine, but then by the time a month or two has passed, my jobs have become what I can only describe as soul-sucking or soul-numbing. I cannot stand to go, and my mind goes over every excuse possible to get out of it. When its time to head to work, I go into a terrible mind state. Then I find a new job ad it all starts over again. I think I've found the perfect one, its great, then, soul-numbing. It is so hard to deal with. I am going to college to become an elementary school teacher, which has always been one of my favorite options, but it won out because it is the most random and varied job from day to day that I could think of. I need something that wont get old. As of now I'm quitting my job and finding another so I can try to stay sane. Does this happen to you?

I haven't had a psychologist for a year because my insurance changed. I want to try and find a new one, but the realization that it will take years for a new one to get to know me enough and for me to trust them enough is keeping me from trying to find one. Any thoughts on how to get into the 'deep stuff' with a new psychologist quicker?

My last thing is my meds. I love the feeling that comes from the freedom of the vitamins, but I feel like they don't work enough when I get into worse modes. Sometimes I feel like everything would be fixed if I could go back on my meds. I would also be asleep 75% of the day, yes, and I would also have no emotions again, true, but maybe I could somehow... theres no right answer, I know.

My last thing is I recently (a few months ago) had an eye opening conversation that finally clicked together to something that has been happening for many years. I have since remembered more, as well as been observing myself or the past several months. When I get into different settings and situations, and around different people, my whole personality and mind changes. Its almost like Im a different person. For example, in one I turn into this immature annoying person who needs to be the center of attention, making a fool of myself, different talking voice and the way I word things are different. And im there basically stuck in my head, wishing I could stop, wishing I could just be myself, trying to be, asking myself 'why in the world did you say that?' just stop!'... its like im just watching myself, and have no control over it. There are several different 'personalities' I have in different situations. They are so hard for me to control and overcome. In one event, with weeks of preparation, I was able to for the most part keep the personality I knew was going to surface from surfacing. That was the best I have ever done, and it still wasn't completely right. I don't know what this is. I cant find it right anywhere. I thought depersonalization, but it doesn't fit with that all the way. it also doesn't scream dissociative identity disorder to me, but I really don't know. Its something to talk about with a psych for sure, but until then, do any of you have insight into this?

I know this is a lot, thanks for reading! I look forward to your replies!

[kaliope]

hi eyesunclouded
if you want to get better, you need professional help. you will be more likely to manage a job if you are stable. i have never been one to feel like i needed to develop a relationship with a therapist in order to work with them. i look at it as jumping into a cold pool. just throw out the most disturbing facts, let them ask questions. im there to get better, not make friends. i have a goal to get better and that means throwing out as much as i can and let them sort it out and offer me coping skills.

when it comes to meds, there are meds that make you feel like crap and change you but those are not ones you need to stay on. your doc works for you. refuse meds with side effects you dont like. i went thru every med there was until i found meds that did the job 90 percent effectively and with NO side effects. i have full use of my brain. you just have to be persistent and really advocate for yourself. my docs didnt like me for changing so much but i wasnt going to stay on something i didnt like.

so if you want like to change, get out there and change it. it can be much better than what you have now. i only wish i knew this at your age.welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[s_j_l]

I agree with kaliope that professional help is necessary if you want to find stability. Therapy and medication has helped me immensely.

I am 21 and notice several similarities between your situation and mine - or, rather, my situation a few years ago. I, too, tried vitamins to control my moods, and ultimately they were not effective when I encountered deep depression, anxiety, or hypomania. You mention that you experienced unpleasant side effects from your medication. My psychiatrist (who has labeled me as "bipolar-ish" ) has me on a cocktail of medications that took me years to fine-tune, but at this point I suffer no side effects and feel stable. I'm not on typical bipolar medications, but his view is that as long as I'm stable it doesn't matter what he calls me or whether I'm taking typical medication for one diagnosis or another.

The tendency to switch from one thing to another is something I have as well. When I want to quit something, I think about it this way (and believe me, I still do quit things sometimes...constant battle): many people change locations to escape something. They believe that starting at a new location will be a "fresh start", and essentially their previous problems will be gone. From personal experience, I can say this is not the case. I could be wrong, but from your post it sounds like your difficulty stems not from the individual jobs, but from the general commitment of having a job itself. And once someone experiences that difficulty, it's so enticing to leave the job and find a new one for that "fresh start" (TRUST me, if you are in fact feeling this way I understand!). In the long run, though, I've found that stability and sticking with something, even when completing a task or going to work is downright painful, that I ultimately feel a great sense of reward for my commitment when I do follow through with my tasks.

Here are a few other things that have helped me find stability in the past few years:
- Exercise. My almost-daily yoga practice (at home) keeps me STABLE! Find something you love and it won't be hard to stick with it, but keep in mind forming a habit or routine may take time.
-Eating well. Personally I am vegan, but my overall diet is one that generally avoids a lot of sugar, processed foods, etc. But I know this is hard at college sometimes...
-Taking control of my schedule. Why are you experiencing such work-related stress and anxiety? Is it your hours, your type of job, your boss, your coworkers? If your job is really miserable, look for one that is different (waitress vs. retail, for example). Ultimately, jobs suck and people suck at this age, but they're necessary

Sending hugs your way.

[Imah]

I jumped in the water with both feet fast with my shrink. The quicker you get to the 'deep stuff' the quicker you know if they are going to work out for you or not.

Hi eyes clouded, I'm going to be looking for a T soon myself and don't want to be playing the "nice to meet you" game either. Let's get to the nitty gritty.

I made a notebook on my iPad just for then and wrote down everything about me I want to say. Then I'm going to tell her to listen as I read it off. The notebook includes past thoughts, happenings, my concerns, symptoms, etc. And I'm going to throw it all at her.

Will it go that way? I hope so because I can't manage a continuous chain of thoughts.

I too can't work for anyone. The only job I manage to get through is by being self employed. A new client every few days up to a week at most. Even this is getting difficult now because I've been at it for 18 years.

I hope you find your place.