Reminiscing the good times

Tonight Im dreaming about the past, specifically my 20s. I didn't have a DX and was functioning normally.

I remember finding my first love and how beautiful she was. I was so nervous around her for a while. I will never forget that feeling. We took trips to the beach, hill country, out to parties all the time. I felt like a million bucks.

Later on, I met what would be my best friend to this day. We spent many of nights out in bars and pool rooms, camping trips, backyard cook outs and fires, double dates. I was pushing hard at work, climbing the ranks, and enjoying it. Work didn't burn me out as it does now. Before I knew it I was blessed with a fancy apartment, a boat, & nice car.

For the last several years Ive pretty much lost everything a few times. I dust myself off, get back up and try again. Life is much tougher now.

I'm curious if anyone here does this and would care to share about it?

I frequently do this. For me, I miss being a stellar mom, housewife, and, most of all, christian. I spent my mornings in prayer and in the Bible. I home schooled my niece, my daughter and a friend's child, my house was nearly immaculate most of the time, even with several small kids running around. I enjoyed all of these things greatly and I was very productive. I was so full of life and so full of joy. Now my life is one big disorganized, dysfunctional mess and I am non of those things. I can't seem to find my way back.

I do that too. I was relatively happy for awhile. I had my work, my apartment, my cat. I functioned pretty normally. I dated. Now I'm old and broken down and lost it all.

I do think about the times when I was functioning, but not fondly. I've been symptomatic for as long as I can remember, I was just better at acting "normal". It was all a big facade. Then in my mid 30's I cracked and it's been a downward spiral ever since. I'll never be able to go back to pretending.

I try not to reminisce about things so much that they make me sad. I try to count my blessings and focus on the precious things in life. I try to just be happy being me.

Hoping you are feeling better soon.

My time before diagnosis was spent mostly in deep depression - all the way back to childhood. My very first pdoc said "we can go all through your past and your family and all that stuff - or we can face forward and start building you a life." We knew that my illness was not based on life events, so we faced forward, and I've tried to do that ever since.

In all the years since, I have not allowed myself to dwell on my pre-diagnosis life. I lost too much of my life to untreated illness; I won't waste more on looking back, and risk becoming bitter at what happened.

I know bp2 and bp1 can be hugely different. When I was first (mis)diagnosed as depressed, my doc told me that I was essentially, rolled up in a ball under a corner table (emotionally) and he wasn't sure he could reach me at all. Still, I had a job and an apartment.

I was far more miserable pre-diagnosis than I ever have been since.