[henrydavidtherobot]

I moved to China 9 months ago and life has been great, even with break ups and whatnot.

I've been without a major episode in over a year. Then, January happened. My sister died in January 2010. It triggered a horrible depression. I started binge drinking a lot and the other day I blacked out and had to be dragged home by a higher up. I worked the next day and have no idea what said. My job could be on the line.

I came in the next day hung over as hell and could not stop crying. I left and went to the doctor. I feel so hopeless. I was doing well for so long and it looks like I've ****ed everything up.

I haven't been this depressed in ages. I have no hope for my life and have been deal with extreme suicide idealization. I won't act on it, but it's hard to see the point when it seems like I'm just going to keep falling and keep pushing people away.

I'm a joke that everyone's laughing at.

help

[sideblinded]

((henrydavidtherobot))

I don't know where you are originally from but it sounds like you are a brave person to move to a place that may not be home and take on a job. It appears that you are dealing with a lot of mental health issues not to mention the awful event of your sister's death in 2010. That is a whole lot to deal with. I was wondering if you still like where you live and I was wondering where your support system is. If you don't have family or friends to rely on right now it can be so difficult. Are there any programs there for alcohol like 12 step groups? It sounds like the drinking may be your worst obstacle right now that is getting in the way of your life to include your job. I really feel for you right now. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I really hope that you continue to reach out for help.

[henrydavidtherobot]

I do have good friends here. I can look into AA, but I think I'll be fine as long as I don't start. I don't have a strong desire to drink. It's just that that's how people hang out and I've taken it too far lately. I'm not drinking anytime soon. My T in the states says that I'm not an alcoholic, but that I act like one when my BPD or Cyclo acts up.

Anyway, I really like it here. I don't want to leave.

[Hexagram]

Come home and get treatment and support in your own culture. The stakes are higher than your job.

[henrydavidtherobot]

I'm not letting my disorder get in the way of my dreams. Travel opens the mind. I've learned a ton here. Sometimes its hard, but being hone has challenges too.

[Hexagram]

Originally Posted by henrydavidtherobot

I'm not letting my disorder get in the way of my dreams. Travel opens the mind. I've learned a ton here. Sometimes its hard, but being hone has challenges too.

Good answer. I admire and applaud your determination, I just think you might want to get yourself treated and balanced in a safe, stable environment before you pursue your dreams and open your mind through travel. The thought of you mortified with shame and anxious about losing your job due to circumstances beyond your choice and control saddens me, and certainly resonates from my own experiences. Please don't be ashamed.