Sorta lost

Haven't had to deal with a major crash for a long time and I'm struggling to keep my head above water. Trying to remember those cognitive errors and mostly remember that this is happening to me, it is not me.

I don't want to go out of the house because I might run into people and people are too hard. Also there is ice cream out in the world and a diabetic can't self-medicate with Haagen-Daz -- and oh, I would, in a heartbeat.

I feel shrunken in, trying to take up less room in the world.

I am constantly fighting the idea that this is somehow my fault, that I've been found out to be a total loss of a human being.

Or that what I'm dealing with is the mental equivalent of a stubbed toe and I am just way too much of a drama queen to handle real life.

I have two days of work to get through before I see the doc. Xanax may help.

Please, I just need someone to reinforce what I'm feeling: this is not me, this is not who I am; this is bipolar disorder, and underneath its weight I am still a valuable human being.

Your calamity Jane quote says it all! Which I love btw, what a show!
I think Buddhism is a valuable wisdom tradition of BP folks because the first noble truth is the truth of suffering. But the 4th noble truth is the truth of the cessation of suffering. There is also a Buddhist instruction for hard times, 'like a log remain', do nothing, it will pass. It is hard to imagine when feelings of extreme self loathing wash over you, that they are ephemeral, not real, and not really based on who YOU are in some essential way, but rather a kind of bi product of a certain kind of mind that you just have to wait out.
I was dealing with some depressive stuff last night. Felt so flat and numb, and also irritated and bothered by everything, but completely without the motivation to do anything, but also without a clue what to do. And I was getting scared about it, like are these periods just going to get longer and longer?
But now I am fine. Weird.
It will Pass J, we are here, hang in!
A bit of a ramble, but I hope it helps somehow!

MT

Thanks. I know that much of what I'm dealing with has to do with perception - perception of myself, perception of my illness, perception, probably, of my place at work. But it means a huge amount to get validation from someone who has Been There.

I try to always remember that it will pass. You will feel better again.

Sometimes my depressions have been so bad it feels like getting in the bath is like moving to another country. That's how immobile I can become. But like I said, it passes and I will feel joy again. Just take really good care of yourself through this.

Bipolar is a liar and makes us self doubt and a whole laundry list of negatives I have yet to met a person with Bipolar that hasn't had the same problems, I know I sure have and do.

Do you have a Therapist? I am not sure I would be able to manage with out mine. He has many times helped me get off a bad road ( self doubt) I might be heading down. He doesn't coddle, he has no problem nudging me or a mental shove when needed, but that is how him and I "work"

Many times I do find myself isolating instead of reaching out for help. Gotta love Bipolar and its sneaky ways

I hope that things improve quickly. Is there something you can do to self sooth besides ice cream? i force feed myself comedies at times. I hope your Pdoc can help you

Thanks, everyone. I just needed to touch base, somewhere.

Christine, no, I don't have a therapist; never found one I liked and, until thus bout of rapid cycling, I've done fairly well without one. Doc may have a different opinion when he sees me Wednesday.

I'm better today; gonna load up on Xanax and go to work. I need to remember that there are two people at work who seriously push my buttons - one intentionally, the other unintentionally - and they can be serious problems for me in my current state. A lot of my energy needs to be available to just wall them off.

I curled up yesterday and took a nap with my cat - she's not a snuggler but she seemed to know I needed some help. I was out of ice cream anyway.

And yes, I could write (journal) instead of eat. Should.

Thanks again for the posts - you all are terrific.

Sometimes you just need to hear it from another bipolar sufferer. It's not you. Its this damn illness. It screws with you, messes you up. Even makes people around you feel intolerable. I am suffering now. "Riding out the storm" if that's what is called. An intense anxiety and pain in my chest like a dagger plunging in my heart. Its so messed up what this does. It is so unbelievably painful. There are voices of self doubt in my head. There are voices of worthlessness, hopelessness. But it too shall pass. It always does. Just gotta ride it out. Why do we have to go through this? That I will never know. Great post! I am glad you are doing better

Hang in there - if you are still able to provide encouragement to others, the real you is still there, struggling to find a way out. You can still give to others; you still have self-worth. I can see it and so can others.