[charliesangel81]

I am new to this forum. I really appreciate the posts and comments. I have been diagnosed with depression but have avoided in depth care and diagnosis of bpd, mainly because I have been in denial of the severity and existence of my behavioral issues. I am wondering if anyone else has obsessive compulsive thoughts and or paranoia during manic or hypomanic episodes. I seem to have a go-to reoccurring paranoia of my husband cheating on me. This has been a major disruptive issue, a VERY self destructive issue. I cannot stop thinking about it. I cannot distract myself from it.I am so miserable with myself I feel I would rather die, but have never acted upon it. I CANNOT make it stop. My behavior is so disruptive and destructive to our relationship, has caused multiple separations. I know this, and it is my worst fear to loose him, yet I cannot make myself stop because as soon as I get up in the morning my first thoughts are accusations and "well if that were true, then why...." I wonder if I repeat this destructive behavior to force myself out of my mania. I push him until we have a HORRIBLE fight and I actually have to face loosing him. Eventually, once I have done this I become guilt ridden, sullen, scared, and usually end up in a depressive state because I hate myself so much for what I did to him. Anyone else have issues with obsessive thoughts/ paranoia's?

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi charliesangel81

I understand the "denial" of behavioural issues. Yes, I think I do this sometimes too.

Please feel free to correct me.

You have stated "I cannot stop thinking about it". This is in regards to your husband being unfaithful.

I can certainly understand the strain that such thoughts would place on any relationship. We all need to feel secure and validated.

Oh I've had random thoughts that have perhaps once in a while flicked through my mind where I may have thought "What if my husband is cheating?" But it's just a fleeting thought. It's not one that persistently stops me from functioning on a day to day basis, is where I kind of sense the difference here.

When I've suffered paranoia it has normally been congruent with my anxiety levels being too high. It certainly can feel uncomfortable that's or sure.

I see that you say you have "denied" your bipolar diagnosis? I am wondering then if per chance you are seeing a psychiatrist to at least receive proper meds to help stabilise your mood? And then work on the possibility of marriage counselling.

I know it's hard but at the moment your goal is mental stability. Please don't make decisions / actions that will push him away permanently. It doesn't sound to me like you're ready to make a decision just yet. I think your mental health and stability comes first here.

Please take care of yourself.

[charliesangel81]

Thank you hooligan. I am not currently under any treatment. I have previously been on antidepressants and in reflection I see that this actually caused mania. I felt absolutely wonderful, on top of the world, like a **cking ROCKSTAR! But my actions and behaviors were really out of control. At the time though I felt like that was what "normal" was actually suppose to be especially after deep depression. Since then I have sought treatment and the requirements of the program were to attend at least 3 counseling sessions to get a referral to see pdoc. I did not respond well at all to the counseling and didn't even complete 3 sessions. I truly was seeking antidepressants ( this was before I realized the push into mania- still believing I only had depression issues and so wanting to return to those good feelings) So knowing what I know now.... I am seeking treatment and am hoping that I am ready to help someone help me. re the thoughts: I have in the past left work to go and find "proof" because I could not function at work, crying, unable to think of anything else. This last time I would wake up in the morning totally consumed with the thoughts, literally spend my day trying to find something incriminating and thinking, rethinking everything in my head. By lunch time I would be exhausted with myself, desperately seeking distraction because I wanted, needed it to stop. by the 3rd day or so I knew how destructive this was and knew that I was pushing him away and I had to stop or it would end in separation... my worst fear, but still the very next morning I would be right back at it. It was exhausting. this time felt worse because I was actually aware of the consequences and COULD NOT make myself stop.

[avlady]

i like what hooligan said. i used to worry all the time that my husband was cheating on me especially when we were first married. it drove me crazy and there was no reason for it. he reassured me several times he would never do that to me. i have been married 20 years now, got rid of those thoughts with the help of meds. i feel alot more secure now.i would continue to see your doc and t, they really help.

There was a time in my life that I was a very jealous person, constantly thinking that my partner was cheating. I had that paranoia so bad that I would be going through the trash, the pockets, the cars looking to find that one shred of evidence to support my belief- which I never did find one. It was all I can think about which drove my anxiety to crazy levels.
It was a relationship killer. This went on for years.

I've learned to control it by realizing that I'm more than what I give myself credit for. I had a very low opinion of myself- self esteem issues, I felt disposable. "Why would anybody want me? I don't even like myself". It was hard at first, but I kept believing in myself that I'm worth more than that and that my partner wasn't the evil monster my head was playing them out to be. My head was using them as a weapon against me, another way to beat myself up.

Every now and then, I can feel that paranoia starting to resurface and I would shake it off telling myself I'm being silly and make it go away. It was a constant battle at first before meds, but now stabilizers helped put it away.

I hope you get the help you need and sleigh this dragon before it ruins your life.