[joyfulgirl79]

hello I am new here I posted on the bpd board the other day.

I have been going through an incredibly difficult time and need some support I think. I am trying to get through waiting for a doctor's appt next week.

I had been dx'd with bi polar quite a few years ago, but didn't do any follow up. I am also an alcoholic ( sober for the most part these days) and received a diagnosis of BPD a couple of years ago. So to say i've been through a jumble of what causes these symptons is putting it mildly....constantly wondering which one of the three when I'm going through a bad time.

Anyhow, I have been going through an absolutely wretched depression. This has been since christmas and slightly before. Not able to do a thing. As in, housework, read, watch tv, even get dressed most days. I was going to work, but then called in sick for three days straight and friday finally went to the hospital for my suicidal thoughts and saw a psychiatrist. He has put me off work until the 9th.

While seeing him, he went over my mental health file, it's kind of long. I tend to go long periods of being well and then seek help when I get that low again.

I had been convinced it was borderline personality disorder ( a psychatrist diagnosed me with that after I went through an intense depression after a break up) and have spent the past few months reading about it, trying to learn and so on. Although, the key marker, abandonment issues, didn't really apply to me, except that one relationship that did bring out some behaviours that sounded similar and I identified with. That was my first experience with that though. I also now see how that was an emotionally manipulative relationship on his end that also fed into some of those behaviours.

Anyhow. I was fine all summer.....I was off work due to a lay off, had a routine to my day and was sleeping. This fall, I moved in with my mother and went back to work. I'm a nurse, and that involved shift work, of course.

When I saw the doctor on friday, he said to me " I've gone over your files and it's fairly clear you have bi polar, but we'll follow up when you see me next. I also see you have had varying opinions from psychiatrists which has made things confusing for you but we'll go over that." which is in april. I had mentioned to him that in october I had impulsively taken a trip to another province for an encounter with someone.

I did not mention that I had actually gone down with no money and no way to get home, and that it was encounters with two men. And that when I came home, I immediately began a FWB relationship with someone that resulted in a pregnancy . ( I aborted). These behaviours are not characteristic of me, except when I go through episodes. Then they are. And now, of course, I feel shame and regret.

Also, I had been under the impression it was borderline, so I wasn't seeking medication, or anything like that all through the fall. I am coming out of my depression, which is why I finally sought help, and this is confusing because my thoughts are still all jumbled. I also honestly, didn't think things were as out of control as I can see now that they were.

During this time period, I also met someone whom I thought was my soul mate. I don't typically think like that. I felt a connection not only with him, but with his child. This is all absurd, and I'm just sorting through it. I started talking about things like being able to sense death before it happened, and just other random things that I know aren't true ( although I do question it sometimes). I became too much for him, and he had to cut ties. I had never been obsessed with someone before, and I related it to BPD. I now see the other oddities that went along with it that may be bi polar....the things I started talking about, feeling this connection and so on.

Anyhow.....these past few days are the first I've had any clarity of thought at all for the past few months. I am gaining insight again.

Last winter I went through a period where I thought I was seeing auras and was also going a hypersexual period as well.

The sexual things come and go. When I am going through one of the periods, it consumes me. texting, flirting with both men and women, and actually going so far as to arrange encounters with strangers. I was once arrested for having sex in a car in the afternoon in a public place.

I deal with a lot of personal humiliation due to these things.

Again, this is jumbled so are my thoughts.

When he mentioned bipolar again on friday, it kind of all came together. Remembering the moments of reading auras last winter and feeling like I had a negative spirit following me that I had invoked from a ouija board when I was 17 ( yeah.....I'm 35 now)......

And now this latest episode where I was making error after error at work unable to concentrate...feeling this soulmate connection ( we only met once but spoke at length for months) starting to feel like I had this ability to sense death before it happened, quitting a job impulsively.....all this nonsense that all started after I went back to work after being well and going back to shift work....and then the crash that was the worst depression I've ever gone through.

I didn't share all of this with the psychiatrist. He did go over my files, but I have not completely openely shared with any doctor.

What I am concerned about, is that it's winter here, I am recently back to a new job and shift work. I feel like the depression is lifting, but I still can't concentrate.

I am feeling suicidal one moment without a plan but the thoughts are " I need to die" and " I can't do this anymore." The next I am laughing. This all after not being to do anything but cry for the past two weeks and before that just working and coming home. I didn't care about anything...I couldn't even relate to my son.

The days are getting longer and the sun is out longer...I know this affects my mood. I just invited a man down for three days I had not met in person and payed for his hotel while he was here without being able to afford it. Luckily, my moods were too all over the place to handle it and he picked up on the fact I was a bit gonzo.

I can feel a hyper sexual period coming on, and I don't want to go through it again. I have so much shame and regret over the last one that I can't deal with another one.

I can't even look in the mirror...this last depression I wasn't looking after myself physically, I gained 20 lbs, and just look horrid on top of it all.

I don't know what to do in terms of seeking help. I am not well, I know this. I also know that a year ago my friend called mobile mental health as she is also a nurse and thought I was manic, but when he assesed me his answer was " well, typically when it's mania you would need medication for it to end. You don't just come out of it"...when I explained I was starting to see my faulty thinking. So again, that just enforced the borderline diagnosis I thought. I took it as " well he's talking me through this"......sometimes being a nurse yourself can be a detriment haha...I know the assessing skills that go along with mental health evaluations.

Anyhow.....the point of all this ramble is, the psychiatrist who saw me prescribed me a low dose of celexa and seroquel with an appt in april, like I said.

What my concern is, as I said, I am finally putting it all together myself, and it's fairly clear to me it is in fact bi polar, not borderline, as what tends to set it off are shift work and changes in routine.

I am just really worried right now, as where I didn't openely share, I am just starting to see how not well I was in the fall, and how nuts my thinking was....and last winter. I've gone through similar periods over the years, but never to that extent. I have not shared how destructive these periods can be and how I don't have it in me anymore to rebuild from another one.

My sleeping is out of sorts again. Not by choice, but because of work. I can feel the amped up feeling happening, even this compulsion to type. I am sad, but I want to get out do things and I am trying to control myself from doing something stupid. I've already spent all my money, so at least that's that.

I am basically concerned with this new insight that I am going to lose concept of reality again as this tends to be how I feel at the begnining.

I also have this fear that if I seek help, I am going to be told " if you are aware, it's fine". That has not worked out too well in the past.

I am also afraid to talk openely and tell people how much I need help right now because of the borderline thing. I am aware that borderline is seen as attention seeking at times, and I'm afraid that if stress how out of sorts I am, they are going to see it as a borderline thing due to the falling out with the man I mentioned. Even though that wasn't a romantic connection, and I don't miss him....I am just ashamed of the thoughts I had of thinking it was this intense connection that I could share my thoughts with and he would understand, if that makes sense.

I am scared to go back to work with the knowledge of what working shifts does to me.

I am worried if I don't deal with this, things won't calm down. I am also scared that if it isn't bipolar, taking medications would the absolute wrong thing to do. I'm also worried it's not enough. I'm in a pickle haha,.

I don't know. I think I just need a sympathetic ear? or if someone can relate?

[lunaticfringe]

Hi joyfulgirl --

I wanted to tell you that I relate with so much of what you are saying. The hypersexuality and the shame and humiliation that goes with it. Seeing auras and feeling intense connection with people. The latter has been a huge one for me and has led me to get into some pretty bad situations because I trusted people I shouldn't have. I've done a lot of things I regret.

I disagree with the notion that if you are aware you are fine. I am often aware of my behaviors but that doesn't mean I can control them. I can be aware enough to say "I'm out of control and need help". This allows me to advocate for myself when I need a med adjustment or whatever it may be.

I am in a mostly depressed period now (although I still get urges to do things) and I am terrified of being manic again. I'm not sure if this is true or not but I have this idea that everyone knows what I've done, the kind of girl I am. I'm worried I've ruined my reputation and I don't want to make it worse. And even moreso it is about my self worth, because I feel a lot of self-loathing as a result of some of my manic actions. I do try to embrace it and myself though, as I know I was not in control at the time.

Anyways...Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I hope you get your diagnosis straightened out.

[Nammu]

Ages ago (during the Stone Age) I did shift work and it really made things much worse. Now that you have BP Dx can you get a disabilty accommodation to one shift? Having a regular routine is one of the main ways to help stay stable.