What about bipolar do you hate the most?

Not being able to trust myself

I hate not being able to sleep or having restless sleep with nightmares.

The stigma,

My current way of introducing my illness, "Yes, I have bipolar - don't worry, I am not dangerous".

Why do I feel sad and cry the one day and happy the next can I just stop cycling?

I hate that nobody knows how to handle it. When I went on leave from work it was actually for gyn surgery. I had to go off a little early because I was in too much pain to work any more and needed stronger pain meds I couldn't take and drive (and I worked in home health so driving was all I did). So I was off 2 weeks, had surgery and was supposed to be back 3 weeks later. Instead I was in the hospital. We kept trying to get me well enough to go back and failing. I finally tried to go back in November and work and I agreed I wasn't ready and needed more time. Totally humbling. About a month later I realized I wasn't going back and then began months of suicidal hell trying to cope with that.

While I worked for that place and it was a FABULOUS place to work other people were off work and there were always get well cards and updates on how they were doing in weekly meetings. I never got a card or anything from work at all. My former boss sent me a few cards last year while I was recovering from surgery which was sweet of her but I was so hurt that when I was out nobody seemed to care. I know it was them trying to be respectful but it turned into them seeming to ignore me and making me feel not valuable. Even if they didn't want to say I was having gyn surgery they could have just left it at "Jen is having surgery, here's a card" and that would have been enough. I just reminded of this because there was a facebook post from the people from that job showing their day of support for someone just diagnosed with breast cancer. And while I didn't have cancer and didn't need a party a card would have done so much good....

Not being able to trust my mind, and the crippling self doubt it creates.

Are my conclusions/perceptions correct? Why does my mind tell me that my conclusions are logical and yet others tell me I have got it wrong? Is my thinking actually wrong or are their observations prejudiced? What else have I got wrong?

[quote=sidestepper;4315531]The label, stigma

A large part of the stigma is probably mine. I spent years in denial becouse I felt that BP ment I was defective.

--- Sidestepper - I had to look 3 times thinking I had written that. I feel exactly the same way.

I hate the way I feel right now. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I don't know if I feel left right up down sideways middle

the heartache

Yup. I still hate myself right now.

I do too right now Hooligan

The fact that I can't trust ANYTHING in my head....emotions, feelings, ideas, decisions....you name it I don't trust it. Have no idea what is 'real' and what is BP....

Meds.

Knowing I'm going to be like this the rest of my life. That's a real downer.

Meds.

Knowing I'm going to be like this the rest of my life. That's a real downer.

The "looks" from others over an episode.

The loss of control

The agitation!! Most of my depressions are agitated. Most of my manias are agitated. It's so frustrating. The mixed episodes are the worst though!

How my mood can swing up one second and down the next. Yikes.

Hypersensitivity, the lights are too bright the sounds too loud, the textures too harsh, the food too nauseating, the smells too strong

Judgment from others?

Well, more so possible stereotyping from people who don't have MI.

I guess my behaviour can be confusing for someone observing it?

Probably.

Being bipolar

Being left alone when you're depressed like no one cares.

Not being able to clearly communicate how you feel and what you need and feeling misunderstood and judged and alone.

The constant ruminating over every little thing .... my mind just wears me out.