[butterflypower]

At the hospital, I was dx with Bipolar I Depression Type No Psychosis. When I was talking to some people there about it, they were like "ohh you got the bad type". Then the doctor said I need to take my medicine because my life is in danger because I'm so suicidal. I'm also a very paranoid person and that's why they increased my dose of the Invega Sustena from 117mg to 156mg. I get it on the 24th. I also get a psychiatrist instead of a NP on the 24th as well. I'm part of a program called ACT where a caseworker will come see me 2 or 3 times a week. They're supposed to help me with suicidal thoughts and help me get where I want to go in life. I'm going to attend these classes from 9am-4pm three days next week called WRAP to identify my triggers. I really do hope I will able to get well. I hope to finish college without withdrawing. I want to become an RN in the behavioral hospital where I can tell others about my story and how I managed to get through it. Right now, I have moments where I feel like I can never make it. It makes me have sinking feeling in my chest. I wish these feelings would stop. At least they're not so bad like they used to be, but it still sucks. When I'm alone I tend to think the worse. Visiting with my family makes it worse because they create more stress. Recently, they said something about my money running out because I wasted $10,000 on college where I dropped out and never got a refund. They tell me to buy a house because I'm wasting money on an apartment. Honestly, I'm not ready for a house. I'm only 19. If my parents were still alive and well, I would still be with them. I always think about how my life would be so much better if they were still alive. But things happen for a reason. I probably would never met my boyfriend. I noticed that after my dad passed away, I changed a lot. I've became paranoid and less motivated. Every time it see an elderly person, I think of my dad and how I took care of him when he was sick with Alzheimer's. It makes me sad to see older people especially if they're sick. I used to feel the same with people with cancer because my mom passed away with cancer when I was 9 years old. I still have dreams of her being alive like last night. Those dreams are the best. The caseworker noticed when I tell my life story how emotionally numb I am. How expressionless I am. It's scary to think of how emotionally numb I am. I think it's how I coped with life always surrounded by death. Another thing I noticed is that ever since I got help for my emotional health, I don't focus on my physical health. I wasn't worried. It was almost like I hoped I had a serious illness because I wanted to die. It's embarrassing to say how I wanted to die because it's hard for others to understand. I'm glad that I'm not obsessing over my health. I still have a lot of healing though.
I'm sorry for rambling by the way.

I just don't understand how Bipolar 1 is 'bad'. Is it the stigma?

[Velouria]

Originally Posted by butterflypower

The caseworker noticed when I tell my life story how emotionally numb I am. How expressionless I am. It's scary to think of how emotionally numb I am. I think it's how I coped with life always surrounded by death. Another thing I noticed is that ever since I got help for my emotional health, I don't focus on my physical health. I wasn't worried. It was almost like I hoped I had a serious illness because I wanted to die. It's embarrassing to say how I wanted to die because it's hard for others to understand. I'm glad that I'm not obsessing over my health. I still have a lot of healing though.
I'm sorry for rambling by the way.

I just don't understand how Bipolar 1 is 'bad'. Is it the stigma?

Who said it?

I don't believe they were referring to the stigma at all. I believe they were referring to the severity of symptoms in BP I.

I also wanted to identify with you on what you said, about being "emotionally numb." I experienced some trauma growing up (My sister was horribly bullied, suicidal, hospitalized twice. It started when I was 6), and I feel like the only way I can actually tell anyone about that, and many other things that have affected me, is by detaching. Otherwise I feel too much, and become vulnerable. I can easily impart my emotions in writing no problem. But speaking? It's very hard. I think for me it's somewhat of a defense mechanism.

Possible trigger:

I also feel embarrassed whenever I explain to someone that I have ever been suicidal or have had/been having suicidal thoughts. A lot of people really don't understand what it feels like, when your brain just wants to off itself. And honestly, it's probably one of the most intimate secrets you can share with someone. It makes you vulnerable to all sorts of reactions -- even compassion, which you might not even feel you deserve.

It's embarrassing, but you're not alone. There are many people who understand.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I don't think either type is worse than the other. Symptoms may be harsher at times but I think they both suck. It doesn't mean we cant high quality lives like everyone else!

[butterflypower]

I agree writing is so much easier than speaking. It's so hard to speak and express my emotions. Thank you for your reply. It makes me feel less lonely.

[jacky8807]

Clinically the only difference is suppose to be the severity of the mania
Both get can get extremely suicidal

[Velouria]

Originally Posted by butterflypower

I agree writing is so much easier than speaking. It's so hard to speak and express my emotions. Thank you for your reply. It makes me feel less lonely.

I'm so glad I could help. Remember you are not alone.

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi Butterflypower

Oh I am sorry you had to hear this remark from someone at the hospital that you got the "Bad Bipolar". Well I have this "Bad Bipolar" too. I guess I don't really describe it that way. Perhaps my terminology is a little bit different. It's not so much that it's "bad" but yes it can disrupt my life somewhat probably a little bit more in some circumstances or situations that others forms of Bipolar. But I guess we don't get to pick and choose which type of Bipolar we are but we can choose to work with our medical professionals in order to manage symptoms when they occur.

Trust your doctors. That is what they are there for. If you are vulnerable and suicidal let them help you and trust that the medication / adivce they give you is in your best interests right now.

I am glad you've got some meds for the paranoia; I hope they begin helping you shortly.

Psychiatrist are good. I am glad that you have been given one and will be seeing them shortly.

You sound like you have a very good support system managing you during this time and I am glad you have the ACT too. This is all very good news.

I think your ambitions of being an RN are awesome - kudos and keep going.

You are only 19. Yes. Please stick to your comfort zone. If you are not ready for a house. Please do not feel obliged to this.

I am sorry to hear about your parents; but; yes; I wholeheartedly agree with you; everything happens for a reason.

There is a lot of stigma and myths associated with Bipolar.

Identifying these stigma and myths does help as we begin to separate fact from fiction.

Here's an interesting article on Bipolar Stigma:

Stephen Fry talks about bipolar disorder and mental health stigma:

Stephen Fry on bipolar disorder and mental health stigma | Time To Change