potential change of dx? Please help me understand what is going on with my mind

Today at my appt, we were talking about how last week I came the closest to committing suicide than I ever have. He looked up if lamictal could be the cause and he said it typically does not cause suicidal thoughts or actions. I cried telling him the story and then the topic of the anger I have towards my adulterous father came up I explained that my father has never talked to me about what he did, or own up to it when I have asked why he did what he did. My dad doesn't talk about the divorce with me or my sister who is still in high school and it's been nearly two years. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 a month ago, and the divorce happened 2 years ago so it's sort of fallen out of my thoughts except on random occasions when I feel the lack of a family. My doc today said that my suicidal thoughts and blackout occurred because of anger I had towards my father... I hadn't thought of the divorce in a while. I believe it happened because as I was leaning into the sink to pour water out of dishes, my birds little neck got wrapped in the necklace (he had been on my shoulder and leaned in with me.) he stopped breathing and his wing was cut and I couldn't manage to undo my chain. I knew I only had a few seconds until he died (his trachea is literally the diameter of 1/8 that of your pinky finger. The only thing I could think of was to grab the scissors in my room and cut the chain. I HAD THE SCISSORS CUTTING THE CHAIN AT MY JUGULAR. I haven't taken this off in 13 years! At that point I grabbed him from my shoulder and released him from the chain, and as he was in my hands obviously in shock, I started to cry, and fell onto my bed with him and put him down and I don't remember the next 45 minutes except I had an urge that I've never felt before (impulse really) to go outside and smash my head into the poles that support my carport. All I could imagine was that thought and my phone was on 1% so I was planning on how I'd dash to a neighbors house and hold onto something to avoid running back to the pole. I planned to have someone call 911. I think while those 45 minutes passed by, I was on my stomach over the edge of my bed with my eyes wide open. I don't remember what I did I just remember my thoughts. I was stupid and drove to my moms house after I had come back to reality and drove too close to the side of the road and almost flipped my little Prius. I don't believe that my dad was the reason for this and if I presented symptoms of a hypomanic episode and history of major depression, why would he be changing his mind? I'm seeing him again next week and staying on the lamictal until then but what if he's wrong and takes me off the stabilizer when in fact I need it? Even with my ocd compulsions, I've never felt an urge as strong as this.

Hi, funky! I haven't had anything exactly like that, but I am bipolar and sometimes get depressed because of anger, not just internal factors. An have felt sucidal then. I've heard depression defined as "anger turned inward." Bipolars can also have symptoms because of environmental factors. After all, we are still human!

I assume you are going to be kept on the Lamictal and still be considered bipolar. I took it for years. I have never heard of it causing those kinds of symptoms. My two cents' worth, anyway......

I am sorry all that happened, and I am sad to hear about your bird.

Hey there,

I agree with your doctor that the unresolved childhood emotions that were never worked through are partially to blame for how you reacted. It causes you to have the wave of emotions knock you off balance when something suddenly happens.

It was triggered by the shock of bird you love being suddenly in danger.

Because you didn't learn to have safe emotions happen in normal succession as a child, instead you learned to bottle them up, when this happened to the bird, it uncapped all emotions and you were over-whelmed and thrown into a hyper-state.

Personally, I think you shouldn't worry what other people want (like your dad). I think you should be counseled to learn how to have and allow emotions healthily. If all you are going to do when you see someone is pretend and act. Then you shouldn't see them at all. Because you will continue to practice the wrong way to feel.

Because pretending can become the norm, and emotional suppression becomes so common that you can lose who you are.

Also, when something does occur like the bird, the emotions no longer stay contained and you saw personally how crazy that can be.

Learning how to pretend to act is dangerous. And you have been very well trained. Listen to your doctor.

I think you should research EMDR therapy and mention it to your Doctor. I further think that you should research Borderline Personality Disorder.