[chimera17]

I am in my mid/late 30s, and up to this point have never been diagnosed bipolar. However, lately things keep happening and I keep ending up in this really dark place, and all the information I have seen and all the mental health quizes and surveys and questionnaires seem to be pointing at a potential bipolar situation.

I've seen a psychiatrist in the past, wouldn't he have noticed if I was actually bipolar? Is it possible to be so good at 'hiding' things and behaviors that something like this could go undiagnosed?

At this point, I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of: finding out I am in fact bipolar, or being told I'm not. I can't possibly be 'normal' with all this pain and anxiety and struggle and nervous energy and anger and rage and thoughts and exhaustion and twitchiness and frustration and love and hopelessness.

I don't have a regular doc, and I am completely failing at finding a pdoc (I'm assuming pdoc means psychiatrist but I'm not sure). Maybe I'm just still suffering through grief over losing my father 4 years ago. Or my mother-in-law 6 years ago. Or my mom being... well, an unstable mother (loving, but unstable is putting it mildly). And my fears of being that way with my kids.
'
Everyday I go into work I am fighting the urge to cry, scream, shake, stare aimlessly at my screen. Sometimes I just can't fight it anymore, and I have to excuse myself to the restroom, or I just go ahead and stare at my screen. My work as always been a bit erratic - I can do really brilliant things, but there are lulls between. Up until recently, I hadn't really factored that into my bouts of depression, because they aren't necessarily related. In fact oftentimes, my most brilliant work happens WHILE depressed. I also hadn't seriously thought of myself as manic - I'm hyper, and feisty and enthusiastic! But.... thinking of how INCREDIBLY hyper I can be, talking too quickly for people to understand, literally racing through hallways, unable to sit still in meetings, not sleeping for days at a time, and sudden often inexplicable bouts of rage.

Hi chimera! Welcome to PC! Yes, you can be diagnosed later in life. Most bipolar symptoms are noticed at about age 20 I believe that I read somewhere. Don't trust this memory though.

I don't know if we can use me as an example, but I finally got DX'd at 43, but I know that I been born this way. Yes you must stay with a pdoc for awhile because you can't really walk in a pdoc office and get a diagnosis then and there. But he might just start prescribing meds to treat your symptoms. He may treat you like your bipolar with the same meds, but the paper work won't say bipolar till he's convinced. Who cares what the paper says as long you are getting treated! It's all mental illness and they just treat the symptoms, because there is no cure to mental illness. I could careless if they called me crazy as long as they gave me my meds.

[gayleggg]

Yes, I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my forties.

[chimera17]

I really feel like some of the stories I'm reading here are the stories of my life. I've got to find a pdoc somehow, somewhere.

I have been medicated for depression - mainly prozac, and it did seem to help. The most recent time was for PND, so it was just something my OB prescribed. Haven't seen a pdoc in 8 years, and I don't think I'd want to go back to the one I had seen. But I have such a hard time picking up the phone, and then when I DID actually try yesterday after weeks of thinking about it, to have all my attempts blocked by long hold times, closed practices, and voice mail messages just seems like a sign that maybe I'm not supposed to get help. Maybe I'm supposed to suffer and I deserve to feel this way.

I'm really starting to get into a bit of a panic because I've been under reasonable control for so long - never having an episode last longer than I could contain, so while my work would suffer a bit, I could always mask it because I'd have a moment of brilliance or something (now starting to think 'brilliance' == 'manic') and churn out a ton of amazing stuff. But... I'm in some weird limbo state right now. I'm really down, crying easily, wanting to stay in bed all day but can't sleep, could easily play computer games hours upon hours, but also TWItCHY! Mind racing! Can't concentrate! Can't slow down! Irritable, angry, easy to provoke to rage...

I feel like a fraud. Like all the people I've known for all these years of relative stability (no one I know would describe me as 'stable', even through these good times) think I'm just this high energy, sometimes cranky person when in reality I'm a bit of a monster.

If I don't have some kind of brilliant manic moment soon I am going to lose my job. I just know it.

It is true, it's hard to get in to see a pdoc because they're in high demand. Unfortunately, the waiting list is long.
If worse comes to worse and you feel like you are a danger to your self or others or cause self harm, contact a crisis center or go to the ER. You'll get a psych eval and then possibly a commitment which will put you right there in front of a pdoc. Hang in there honey and don't give up! Your seeking help, don't quit now! We're behind you 110%.

[BipolaRNurse]

I was diagnosed bipolar NOS at 53 and bipolar 1 at 55. But looking back I realize the disease started when I was a child, and in fact I was probably born with it. It explains so much of what happened in the past---my inability to sleep when I was little, the night terrors, the sudden outbursts of temper, the frequent irritability, the depression, and the times when I was so 'up' that I drove people nuts with my incessant talking and took big risks with my life and my finances.

I wish sometimes my illness had been caught earlier in life so I might have been medicated sooner and not had so much difficulty wrestling it into submission. It took me nearly three years and a hospitalization to get things right. OTOH, if you'd have told me I would need medication for the rest of my life, I probably would have rebelled and not gotten treatment.

yes i believe you can be diagnosed any time.

I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my early 40's.

I was diagnosed in my 40s after my first manic episode. I felt, "eureka" ! It explained so much about my past. I had been misdiagnosed for YEARS!

Just coming out of mania now, btw.

I am pretty high functioning.

[Moogieotter]

I was diagnosed at 37. Welcome to PC Bipolar Land!

I was diagnosed in my early 30's.........after being in and out of therapy for years. My doctors missed it for years. Not entirely their fault since I wasn't completely honest with them about all of the problems I was having. I'm sure if I was as honest as I needed to be earlier, I would have been diagnosed earlier. I thought my manic issues were personality failures and so I kept them private from my doctors for far too long.

I hope you are able to get the answers you need about yourself. Best of luck.

[~Christina]

I got my secret decoder ring and badge at age 43

[Wander]

I was diagnosed at 37 too after years of wrong diagnosis and wild/depressed/crazy behaviour. Misdiagnosis is common. It takes the right pdoc and a lot of time with them to get the right diagnosis. Hope you find one soon. Hang in there.

[pipp]

same here...i was diagnosed at 34, took a stress induced stroke to finally bring me to the bipolar table...like others have related here, it was certainly an epiphany and explained so much...i believe i was probably bipolar from young childhood...

[benzenering]

another one diagnosed in last 30's, now 45 and learning day by day how to deal with this illness. It is a challenge.

[Hopefulhubb]

Yes, plus it can be progressive so you might have been subclinical in your twenties and got worse perhaps?