I feel like I will never be a normal, functioning adult.

Hey everyone, I am very new here. Quick intro: I'm almost 21, go to a very good college, have a very good office job, generally appear very put together. I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 15 after a 3-week hospitalization. I am on 75mg of lamotrigine. My primary parent is also BP and and alcoholic, and has OCD. I also have a GAD and emetophobia if any of that matters, haha.

I feel like I will never be a functioning adult. I get so scared when I hear stories about people much older than me still being severely mentally ill. I keep hoping I'll grow out of it. I feel so different than my boyfriend, family, and friends. I don't want to be like this forever but I know I will be. I'm medicated but it doesn't do enough, I don't think. I've tried every SSRI available to me in conjunction with the lamictal but they just make me feel sluggish and numb.

I'm taking 18 credits (4 classes, over full time) and working 30 hours a week. I don't think I'm burning out or crashing or manic but I live in fear of becoming manic and crashing.

I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this. I guess I just want people to read it that understand, because I feel like no one that I talk to in real life gets it. I just feel like crying.

(I've made an appointment with my therapist, who I've been seeing for 7 years. Haven't seen him in about 6 months due to scheduling constraints)

Im sorry your feeling so overwhelmed, I hope you can see that many people have the same concerns , Just remember Bipolar cycles it always does,, that is the only true thing about Bipolar . Therapy will help alot.

Welcome to PC

Don't get wrapped up in being "normal". There is no such thing as "normal". My "normal" is much different then yours and yours is much different then others on these forums.

Here is the thing, we live life. Run with it, enjoy it, embrace it and don't let this define who you are. So what, we have been tagged with a mental issue, whoop tee do! I can skim the DSM4 and come up with a mental disability for about everyone on this planet.

There is no need to dwell. I was diagnosed with bp at 7 years old and I would have my life no other way. Bp gives me the ability to think in ways other people do not and I am the guy that gets questions about real life stuff all the time because I don't see things in black and white. This is what bp has done for me and as I said, I would have it no other way.

I'm sorry I can't seem to focus enough to read the whole post, but I get the idea. I too feel overwhelmed, taking in account all of my/our condition(s) it sounds like I'll never be a normal adult.

But then... who wants to be normal? Ew, that's boring!!!
Let's all be special together
Allie

It's important not to get hung up on words such as "normal." It's also important to make seeing your therapist a higher priority than it seems you have been doing....those "scheduling constraints" will strangle you if you let them.

From your post, you're doing a lot with your life already; what do you think adults do? There is no magic goalpost that says you arrive at adulthood; most of us make it up as we go.