Hi, I'm a noob here.

I am a 44yr old male married for 8 years with boys 7 and almost 6 (13 months apart). I have had obstructive sleep apnea for 10 years or so. About 5 years ago I was having chest pain and went to urgent care. They checked my bp and it was sky high. They gave me nitro and sent me to the hospital. I stayed overnight did a stress test. My heart was fine but I was having a panic attack apparently. They put me on a few different antidepressants and xanax. Then my prescriptions ran out and my Dr.told me to find a psych. Well my went off on me and said I wasn't going to a psych to talk about her. Then she told me to just suck it up and get over it.
Well things never really got better for me and I started randomly falling asleep all the time and was having issues driving anywhere. meanwhile we moved to another state in a different time zone and this wreaked havoc on my mental state. I never know what time it is anymore. I started having some major depression and anxiety issues. I went to my GP and they prescribed prozac and klonopin. This didn't work for me so she changed it to effexor and a higher klonopin. I told her the klonopin just wasn't enough so she referred me to a psych. I figured why not go and see what he says. he told me basically that I am an anxious person that my personality is just that way and that I need to move from the rural area where I was living to a bigger city with more jobs so that I can get on a regular schedule.
I told my wife this and she was onboard but we didn't think it was realistic right now but one day I went ahead and applied for a mortgage and was approved so we started looking. We found a great house in a great neighborhood. The schools get a 9 out of 10 rating. Everything is awesome. Except me. My psych moved to L.A. so I had to find a new one. In the meantime I did a sleep study and found out my cpap machine needed to be titrated up nearly double and that I have narcolepsy. My new psych diagnosed me with BPII and put me on Depakote. I am still reeling from all of this and trying to deal with the implications while being constantly attacked and ridiculed. I have no one to talk to and I live in this constant mixed state of barely contained rage.

So now I am looking back at my life and examining everything. Kind of a self inventory. I have had intrusive thoughts that come from nowhere for most of my life. I have recurring emotionally charged memories usually of when I embarrassed myself that hit me randomly and they usually turn my mood to self loathing. I then have thoughts of driving off of a mountain/cliff. Other times I think of moments when someone did me wrong or embarrassed me and I have thoughts of harming them. I would never act on these thoughts but they intrude and I can't stop them. Then I have the obsessions. I will become obsessed with something for months on end and learn everything I can about it only to become suddenly bored by it and drop it. I think this is a sort of defense against the negative thoughts because they keep them at bay. I am usually in a mostly up state during these periods and sometimes I get really high. Right now I am so mixed that I am not sure which way is up. I am on amphetamines to keep me awake and antidepressants to help with depression/anxiety, weaning off benzos, and taking a mood stabilizer. The benzos and depakote make me sleepy and the amphetamine keeps me from napping but I am in a kind of mixed fog a lot of days. Sorry for the long posts I am just unloading.

Welcome to PC!
Maybe a call to pdoc to discuss a med tweak?
Wish you the best.

Right now I am seeing him every 2 to 3 weeks until we get my dosages right. It's a balancing act with the narcolepsy thrown in,

Welcome to pc! Happy to have you here. I don't really have any advice except for keep hanging on. As with everything in bipolar, this mixed state will pass.

Welcome to PC!