[cashart10]

My brother in law is a teacher and is therefore on spring break. He offered to keep my kids so I could have a day off. Hell yeah! So, Tues, I took the day to do what ever I wanted. First, I went to my therapist appointment. After that, I knew I needed to go to the grocery so I drove to the grocery. But, instead of the grocery, I ended up on the expressway to "take a long drive." Then I thought, "I need new clothes (I did)" so I thought "I'm going to go in my favorite store and just buy a couple of shirts." $170 later, I left the store. That might not sound like much, but when you are a family of 5 with $180 to your name and have to use your credit card for the purchase, it is a big deal. I thought my husband would kill me but instead he said that, while irrational, he knew I needed clothes so it was fine. However, when I called my mom, very excited about my purchase, she lovingly said "Sars, you can't afford that. ...Are you a little manic?" I said, "what? No mom. Why?" She didn't say why but I knew it was because of the purchase. I knew that she was wrong because I was still feeling depressed much of the time. But, I have been keeping my house clean like superwoman which is a DRASTIC change that I chalked up to the new med Vybanse (still do, I think). Well here it is 4:30 AM and I just bought a new $40 bathing suit on Ebay because I had to have it, again, credit card. I just hope my husband doesn't see it on his Ebay account. I plan not to tell him and just model it instead. That way he won't be upset. I prefer stability to any of this other nonsense! Anyway, that it my ramble for the morning. I will leave you with the oh so fitting lyrics to a lullaby I sang as a child. I wish I could sing it to you so you could get the full effect.

Teeter totter
Teeter totter
Teeter tottering, up and up and down

My hometown has a small playground
With a great big slide
But my favorite ride takes me up and up and down

Up and down
And I go up and down
Oh so high
I can touch the sky
And I go up and up and down

[Crazy Hitch]

You know what!

You had FUN.

On your "day off".

You did something for YOU for a change.

Yes.

It cost money.

BUT -

You needed the clothes.

And.

You got your husband's support.

All other comments (your mothers) are not relevant to this situation.

[Footnote: please put the credit card away now = no more ebay purchases ]

[cashart10]

FUN...I like it! That makes me feel less concerned and less mentally exhausted. I always exhaust myself over things that may not happen and sometimes things that are completely unrealistic. I feel fine, if not still mostly (and sometimes still very) depressed. I just let people get to me.

[Wander]

I am with Hooligan on this one. As long as your purchases don't ramp up and put you in financial trouble what you have done is no big deal. And you had a ME day. We all need those. Hope the depression lifts soon.

[cashart10]

When I talked to my mom this morning, I was first (on one phone call) scrubbing my car's interior and second (on another phone call) scrubbing down my living room walls. My house hasn't had such a good cleaning since I don't remember when. I left my toddler out of her car seat in my running car (I was cleaning the car and was listening to music) and went inside to wash my hands. She locked the door and was trapped inside of my running car. THANK GOD the AC was on and THANK GOD my dad got there within 15 minutes and was able to get her out quickly. I was just so careless. It was very scary! The kids and I went to my parent's house this evening. My mom asked how much I slept last night and I told her about an hour. Well, she started telling me that I was talking too fast and I better make sure I sleep tonight. I tried to explain that I can't help not sleeping. She asked me to tell my doc about the things she noticed: focusing too much time and effort cleaning, decreased sleep, spending money, making poor decisions, and talking quickly. She wants me to ask him if we should be concerned. But, I still FEEL fine. I feel less depressed but still not great and my husband also says I seem fine. I don't want to tell my pdoc what my mom wants me to share because I'm afraid he will stop the Vybanse which is the drug I feel like has finally given me my life back. I don't ever keep things from my pdoc but in this case I think all is well so there is no point in telling him. I was planning to tell him I was still depressed! Oh how different this perspective would be! BTW, I can read this and tell that it "sounds manic" (or borderline so) but I can read it and think I am finally back to myself and I so don't want to lose it by losing this medicine.

My mother already called me this evening (past when she normally goes to bed) to make sure I took my meds and to remind me to get to sleep and no PC...just lay in bed or maybe try some TV. She is definitely concerned.

[Crazy Hitch]

Accidents happen.

I am very sorry to hear that story with the car incident.

I am glad everything is alright with your toddler.

Because phew it is so scary when something happens to our kids that we love so much!

Yikes. I've lost my breath many times with my kids.

It serves us in terms of it reminds us of how damn much we love them.

But gee we don't want them ever going through any of that stuff.

[cashart10]

I decided to mention my mom's concerns in passing but not to focus on them. Luckily, he didn't say much about it and he didn't change my meds. He thought my speech was fine and not pressured. He did say I seemed so much better to him. The only other thing he noted on was my sleep. He just told me to call if I go more than a few nights without sleeping. He didn't seem overly concerned though. He wants me back in 2 weeks which is a small red flag because he usually only does that if there is something wrong and I don't know what could be wrong. I couldn't ask him what it is because he wrote it on my sheet, he didn't tell me so I didn't know until I got out to schedule my next appointment. Maybe it was because of little sleep over 2 days? Maybe it is because I am still having some suicidal thoughts (but he knows me and it will take a while for those to subside)? I LOVE this new medicine but I am also a bit of a skeptic about it. I have trouble believing that it helped my productivity and in turn is in the process of (it seems) lifting my mood that quickly. I told him about my skepticism. He said he needed a med that would pull me out of the hole and he thought this might do it and it seems to be working. My crazy *** left his office thinking there is NO WAY that medicine did that, it is all in my head. I don't need meds and I don't need my (amazing) pdoc. I just need to turn around and not look back. Now, pray tell, what the hell is wrong with me?

[Crazy Hitch]

Yeah sleep is vital.

Our reckon our pdocs take great notice in this.

Cos a shift on either side can be indiciative of possibly entering a mood state?

[cashart10]

I reckon so

[kpsquaredplus2]

That medicine is a stimulant so that might explain a lot of what you are feeling. I am on amphetamines myself for narcolepsy and they can make you more productive and awake especially at first but I think you will notice that this tapers off over time as your body gets used to the drug.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by kpsquaredplus2

That medicine is a stimulant so that might explain a lot of what you are feeling. I am on amphetamines myself for narcolepsy and they can make you more productive and awake especially at first but I think you will notice that this tapers off over time as your body gets used to the drug.

Aha! That makes sense. I don't really want it to wear off though. Thank you!