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#1
Apr 20, 2015, 09:37 PM
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I have to go. It's become life or death. I've been rationalizing why I should end it all and the only thing holding me back now is fear. Typical since I fear everything. I'm going in Wednesday. I have to make it through one more day. I don't know what has happened to me. One day I have it all together and the next I don't.
I took over my mother's house. The same house I was abused in. Physically, emotionally, sexually... Everything. It's all here. What have I done to myself. I'm not home.. I'm trapped. I feel it all. Everytime my daughter cries I feel like it's all my fault. I'm ruining my kids. They would have a better life if i am not here. Everything I do.... It's wrong. I'm terrified of hurting them but living hurts them more. I'm going to become my mother. I can't be her but I am. It's grown inside me...it's going to become me. I'd rather die. It's all here... My daughter sleeps in the same room my sister was molested in...my son sleeps in the same room I was molested in.. Every room.. I just wish it could all end but it's only getting worse. I can't stop thinking of everything that happened to me. it's eating me alive! |
 BipolaRNurse, Crazy Hitch, ferncoco, HALLIEBETH87, Homeira, jacky8807, Nammu, raspberrytorte
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#2
Apr 20, 2015, 09:55 PM
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You are doing the right thing. To take care of kids you need to take care of you, and yes they need you here.
__________________
Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
 Sunnyhunny00
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#3
Apr 20, 2015, 09:55 PM
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I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad but glad you are getting help. Are you ok to make it until Wednesday?
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| Sunnyhunny00
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#4
Apr 21, 2015, 12:13 AM
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Your kids need you. Hang in there. It won't always be this hard. I hope the IP goes well.
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| Sunnyhunny00
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#5
Apr 21, 2015, 02:19 AM
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Hang in there (((SunnyHunny))). My thoughts are with you. |
| Sunnyhunny00
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#6
Apr 21, 2015, 02:26 AM
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This too shall pass. You will be ok. Your kids will be ok. They love you. And they might not be suffering at all the way you are believing that they do. Breathe. Listen to some calming music. Eat something. Good luck as IP. You are doing the right thing, for yourself and for your kids.
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| Sunnyhunny00
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#7
Apr 21, 2015, 10:02 AM
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I believe I'lI be going in today. I'm a little nervous and don't know what to expect. Do I pack my own clothes? Last time was 6years ago and it was involuntary. I arrived naked in a blanket...
Last night was rough. I feel better today but know it's a matter of time. I really hope they can get me on some new meds for anxiety and depression. Maybe I can finally sleep. Anyone with kids knows what I mean... Lol. My kids are so important to me. I'm the type of mom that tucks her children in everynight and rubs their back. I like to make cookies and color. But when I have to raise a voice it sends me in a downward spiral. I feel like I'm screaming and becoming my mother. Ever little thing I do, I question to see if I'm like her. When my kids cry, I feel like I'm destroying them. In a normal state I know this isn't the case, but when I'm this depressed, I just see myself as a little girl, crying in fear for help. I kinda reflect that into my kids even though that is not the case. Every cry does not mean I'm hurting my kids The way I was hurt. But it's hard to see past it when I'm mentally struggling. |
| ferncoco, Nammu, raspberrytorte
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| Nammu
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#8
Apr 21, 2015, 10:10 AM
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My heart aches for you
 I hope that little girl inside you can find peace and realize you are not your mother. If you have to luve in that house clear the bad energy out and create it as your own. A chance to raise happy loved kids who will never feel what you had to I wish you the best inpatient and my thoughts are with you 
__________________
I used to rule the world Seas would rise when I gave the word Now in the morning, I sleep alone Sweep the streets I used to own I used to roll the dice Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes Listen as the crowd would sing Now the old king is dead! Long live the king! One minute I held the key Next the walls were closed on me And I discovered that my castles stand Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand |
| ferncoco
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| Sunnyhunny00
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#9
Apr 21, 2015, 10:24 AM
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I'll be your pocket rider.
Best wishes dear!!!
__________________
schizoaffective bipolar type PTSD generalized anxiety d/o haldol, prazosin, risperdal and prn klonopin and helpful cogentin |
| Sunnyhunny00
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#10
Apr 21, 2015, 10:41 AM
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Thank you every one! I appreciate all the support deeply. I'll be back soon and hopefully will be feeling much better. I believe, or want to believe that with an added anti depressant and anxiety med things will ease up.
I'm determined to make this house everything she couldn't. I'm already half way there just because it's not trashed, I'm not screaming at the top of my lungs every hour of the day and I'm not bringing men home. All that's left is to deal with the trigger that this house has become. |
| jacky8807, Nammu
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#11
Apr 21, 2015, 10:45 AM
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Pack your own clothes but nothing with strings or belts. Take shoes or slippers that don't need shoestrings. The easiest way to know what to bring is to call the place you are going and ask them what to bring.
__________________
Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
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