[tentoedsloth]

I'm not talking about wondering if you're really a sad person or a happy one; I'm talking about who the H377 you even are, maybe because you change so much (if you do) such as:

what you want to do with your life,

whether you want a lot of people around or want to mostly be left alone,

where you want to live,

whether you want to have pets or hate having to care for them,

whether you want to exercise a lot and eat healthy or you just want to have fun

whether you want a romantic partner or that's more trouble than it's worth

whether you think you have a lot of love to give or that you do people a favor by not getting involved because you KNOW you'll dump them later

Does this happen to anybody else who has bipolar disorder but not borderline personality disorder? I'm always changing. Each time I flipflop it's because I really, clearly see that the other way is all wrong for me and a terrible mistake. I last a few months on my latest "fad" but then, oops, THAT was wrong.

I ask because a while back I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (the last 2 times it's been bipolar) and I wonder if that was true also.

I'm not asking for people here to diagnose me, just whether this has been your experience too.

[Row Jimmy]

IMO, I don't believe the diagnosis is ever iron clad. We might all have a mix of this or that. I am trying to focus more on improving the faults while simply accepting the diagnosis.

Being diagnosed with BP has been a bit of a blessing for me. It allows me to consider some things that will help me get better (exercise, health, sleep). At the same time, it has alienated me in the past from some friends and family so I don't mind "being alone" and don't question it anymore.

It has also given me pause to look at a lot of things but there have (probably) always been elements of my life that are driven by BP. A need for challenges is one - I want to move, get a new job, start something new, live a different way, seek a different path. It's a key part of the condition but it has led me to self-destruct on occasion so I need to watch it going forward.

My sense of self is stable. My moods are not and my self-esteem goes up and down dependent on my mood. Also, Sometimes I am social other times I hide in bed. Appetite changes, sleep changes. Etc.

Things like that change for me.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

what you want to do with your life: Bipolar has changed that but more by taking away what I used to want and making me re-adjust what I want than by wanting something different after the bipolar came along

whether you want a lot of people around or want to mostly be left alone, I always was an introvert but in college and grad school which were my last normal years I enjoyed being with people and had a social life. Now my social life is my mom and my nieces, sometimes my sister and that's about it. I just had to give up vacation because I was too manic to be around all the people, including family not used to bipolar at all and with 4 kids under 4. I love babies and little kids but that was going to be too much noise. I'm working on having more people in my life when I'm better than I am right now

where you want to live, Again, bipolar changed my circumstances. If I had my way I'd still be living in my little house half an hour from here but between not being able to afford it and needing more help I move to a tiny house on my mom's property and sold my house 2 years ago.

whether you want to have pets or hate having to care for them, Unchanged

whether you want to exercise a lot and eat healthy or you just want to have fun I want to exercise more than I do and eat healthier than I do but again, bipolar makes the decisions sometimes. I used to be much better at both

whether you want a romantic partner or that's more trouble than it's worth too caught up in abuse issues to even know

whether you think you have a lot of love to give or that you do people a favor by not getting involved because you KNOW you'll dump them laterI know I have a lot of love to give. I just tend to save it for my mom and my sister's family. I think that has to do with allotting energy and fear I'll run out if I spread myself too thin

[Queeni]

I find myself questioning or over-thinking on almost everything. Other times I am very certain and sure of myself. These are the times that I just go for it. Sometimes things don't always turn out as planned, but each time I learn something new about myself.

[tentoedsloth]

Thanks!

This thread can be taken as a small survey. 70-something people read it and only 4 had something to say. Of those four, I'm reading that 3 feel a little affected (in the sense of self) and one, not at all.

None of you feel as affected in this area as I do. So I'll keep considering the borderline diagnosis, for now. Maybe this thread will help someone else too.

[Homeira]

It seems to me that a lot of people ask the same questions. For the same reasons as you are. From time to time I ask myself those same questions. I get confused and don`t know what the h... is going on half of the time. I think we all have a mix of different things going on. And our symptoms probably fit into several different diagnoses. I was diagnosed BP2 five years ago. When I started taking meds for BP, (Lamictal) my symptoms improved. I guess in the end that is what I am after, meds that can help me cope better. That is more important than a diagnosis. But as years have gone by, I know that I defenately am BP2, but it took some time to accept and understand. So confusing sometimes though

[Cassie101]

I've rolled with the punches, and reamined totally inactive, like Buddah. I then realized that I have amended my behaviors and maintained a consistent benefit of being here, and have aimed to maximize that by petitioning for assisted suicide, and for my recent posts and for what I've beend tending to with my time thinking and assessing, I know that we are all moving with emotions and they can be attributed to frequencies, and single frequnecies, like a very odd Hello, and the consistent items are very relevant to how we are considtioned, and how we lose site of conditioning ourselves. I've been very accepting, and have tried some methods used on me, and I gain knowledge fromt hat.

I changed, with my diagnosis, for the stigma applied to me, and for having my responsibilities manhandled to where I have an adult protective worker. I spell out her obligations to me, and she is consistently not responding to emails. I think it'll be a test of how I communicate, especially for the circumstances that were also Jesus's (very dramatic social effects and fluctuations that required nothing of me but to passively observe), and I think that for Jesus having quotes in the Bible, everyone is there own Jesus... But, I have gained insights, and have used math because I met a mathematician who blew my mind to the new context of my perceptional capabilities. I understand now that I've been consistently abused, and that it allows me to understand problems, and how to solve all my own once I get out of here.

I know now that I have resources that say that I should have freedoms and freedom to the full capacity of my objectives, and wants, and with acknowedgement that I have a right to pursue happiness.

I wont get the assisted suicide, and I have often considered that all I have to do is hang on, because to be suicidal, you can also assess thoughts on death. I once attributed the symptoms of bipolar to lifethreatening itesm like lack of security, and crying out for help according to very basic and fundemntal things per our society. I need nothing anymore. I've gone consistently without food, and water, and basically applied hell to myself to manage my environment for myself in it, and now I'm just patiently waiting because I can prove with math that I'm right about what I deserve and am owed, and for what I can achieve and have and do. I know that I've suffered conditioning, and that I don't trust many people, and basically no one, to condition me but myself, for how incompetent people have been in the past, and basically acting in accordance that I'm not flesh and blood to anyone, that my body has gotten to a tipping point of a state... Conventional medicane has no way to effectively manage my physical problems, and I have the right to pay an herbalist... I learned that we can terraform Earth, and even spin it and shoot it into space, and apply laser beams that would start and manage the tarraforming of other planets. We can polarize, and items like that. So, I think I'm basically gotten to the realization that we all die anyway, and what's it matter when, and I don't have to hurry it, or even suffer the last six months of a devastating existence, and I have a lot to offer, even it'll be improved minute by minute, likely, until I can experience the world, be in it, be heard, and listened to, respected. The negligence that is suffered, there's also micromanaging, and it's very upsetting that I can see how it comes down to stigma. The things I've learned are awful truths about what my family is on paper. I may need a therapist as a resources, and I've had a therapy session or more spied on. There's unethical behavior that surrounds my mental health care.

So, I feel like to get a new cat would betray him in some way. I think we somewhat are okay with each other and I know that I want better for him.
I'd like to attend college, and find a way to ensure the courts can see reasons why it'd be in my best interest if it were arranged that I could benefit from a university of their choosing and have that paid for.
I may wrote here and there, but I'd really prefer if I have anything to write, that I be able to speak freely. I do not speak freely. I don't speak. I haven't spoken to a person since my doctors appointment a month ago...
I have a proven need for medical marijuana, and I think I could possibly sue the negligent parties in my life for a supply of that.
I haven't been able to think properly, and am in a situation where I can't much see myself, or base things on myself, but on the perceived and expected judgements of those around me. Some are positive, and life-affirming, which includes only my adult protective worker.

I'd like to ensure that my relationships don't scream "clingy" or some other type of precursor of a modifier that could just make forming a relationship very complicated.

I have money goals, and would choose to buy a killer house, or pay for an apartment for a year and make mad money. And then buy a cheap forest, and begin work on it.
I have no relationships so non built on anything, but I'd like to learn to dance, like break dance, and write and play for an audience some music, because I likely wont get to collaborate. That is an existing future reality.

Things don't look like they'll end well for me, and every reason why can be identified, and I'm confident that I'm not to blame. Maybe, but it wont matter one day either.

It was suggested that I introduce myself in the Intro page. This is fine.

I want to have new clothes, and so many, but enough. I have not enough. I don't have a thing without holes, and one pair that is holding up, only. I'd like adequate nutrition, and a home with easy to clean surfaces, and a futon.
I may not have any of it. I may actually leave in a body bag, like my neighbors were talking about.
I'd like to have no reason to make recordings anymore. My environment is ****ed, and I know it, and it can be known.
I think I'd like to ensure that proper respects are paid to taxes and such so that America can get a grip on applying taxes to acute and nationally accepted goals. There should be no homeless, you know? I'll fix what I can, mostly the things I've considered for myself.

[wiretwister]

I have always felt if someone else (an experienced Dr) thought I was mentally ill (in this case BP) would I be truly able to see myself as I really am, or is my self ideal clouded by my illness..and if not now how about after several years of mind altering drugs..I know we "feel" like we have a complete picture of our self but do we...I believe any "mental illness" has to change our perception of our selves and our relation to the world and our place in it..JMO

[TRNRMOM]

Originally Posted by tentoedsloth

I'm not talking about wondering if you're really a sad person or a happy one; I'm talking about who the H377 you even are, maybe because you change so much (if you do) such as:

what you want to do with your life,

whether you want a lot of people around or want to mostly be left alone,

where you want to live,

whether you want to have pets or hate having to care for them,

whether you want to exercise a lot and eat healthy or you just want to have fun

whether you want a romantic partner or that's more trouble than it's worth

whether you think you have a lot of love to give or that you do people a favor by not getting involved because you KNOW you'll dump them later

Does this happen to anybody else who has bipolar disorder but not borderline personality disorder? I'm always changing. Each time I flipflop it's because I really, clearly see that the other way is all wrong for me and a terrible mistake. I last a few months on my latest "fad" but then, oops, THAT was wrong.

I ask because a while back I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (the last 2 times it's been bipolar) and I wonder if that was true also.

I'm not asking for people here to diagnose me, just whether this has been your experience too.

i am a 68 yr. old female, diagnosed bp2 (hypomania with no depression) for about 37 years. i feel i am a better person today than say, 30 years ago, as far as having confidence and self-esteem; maybe if i had bouts of depression i may be giving a different response and perspective than what i am offering now, but i have learned everything i could learn about this disorder, and so much so that a therapist asked me to write out everything which i have learned and experienced with this disorder so she could become more familiar when treating other bp patients. i have severed relationships with family members over the years and have had to disconnect from toxic friendships. have been married a 2nd time to a wonderful man for almost 30 years but we have had challenges, as most couples do, and many issues now are not bipolar related (i educate him as often as i can in terms of articulating where i am emotionally on an ongoing daily basis) and i know what my triggers are and what i need and what needs to be eliminated in order to remain stable. many of our ongoing issues are his family members and my relationship or decision to distance myself from them, but i cannot be guilted into doing anything that i believe isn't going to work for me and my stability. i am not afraid to be alone if it comes to that and i feel by merely living a long life that i have learned to be more confident in myself and my choices…years ago i had to conform more while employed, for example, but now that i am retired, i am trying to live my life by being authentic, real and honest with no agenda to hurting others and merely hoping that in my situation, my hubby accepts who i am, just as i have learned to accept him and hoping when we have differences about certain things, that we do not punish each other for having a different perspective on an issue. living life is difficult,regardless of whether you have a mental illness or not.

[scatterbrained04]

I struggle with this but don't really know how to put it into words.

I am not sure how I define sense of self other than i have had the same taste, political beliefs, likes and dislikes, hobbies, interests, etc. since I was young.

Is that what you mean?

[Homeira]

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

I am not sure how I define sense of self other than i have had the same taste, political beliefs, likes and dislikes, hobbies, interests, etc. since I was young.

Is that what you mean?

Thank you for writing that! That is the perspective I loose when I start ruminating in my mind about wether I am BP, or have BP, and what is really me in all of this craziness!
I believe in what I believe in, I still have my sense of humor, I have a lifestyle that I chose, not because of BP, but because of what I believe to be right, I like and dislike people regardless of BP or not. I enjoy some things more than other things regardless of my illness. My hobbies would have been the same regardless, my passions etc.
But sometimes (oh, ok, a lot of the time...) BP gets in the way of what I want.

[avlady]

living is difficult whether you have an illness or not-i like that saying!!

[tentoedsloth]

Valentina,

That was sort of what I meant. I haven't been so steady on some of those things. How does it feel to be envied?

Thanks everybody.

Having realized that I hadn't worded my first post/question on this thread at all well, I started a new one that clearly emphasized what the biggest problem is. I hope that's not against the rules. I don't plan to do that again--I'll think about what I'm really asking and how to say it best before posting.

I think this was a good thread anyway--lots of good stuff said.

[sorand0m]

I don't think it's done anything to me. I know who I am and what I believe in.

Life goals, on the other hand...

[Nammu]

I'm basically the same person I've always been.
I'm told I have an infectious smile, it intensifies when I'm up and disappears when I'm down.

I'm told I have a wicked sense of humor and quest for learning new tidbits of info. This too intensifies when I am up and disappears when I'm down. During the depression I've read the same book 4-5 times and still can not recall anything. During mania I've an insatiable appetite for reading about a great many things but rarely finish anything because I have so many things to read, the whole world must be understood and there's not enough time although I'm not sleeping.

I'm easily irritated when I'm up, normally have a great deal of patience when I'm stable and don't give a **** when I'm depressed. Yet I'm still me.

[sorand0m]

Originally Posted by sidestepper

I'm basically the same person I've always been.

I'm told I have a wicked sense of humor and quest for learning new tidbits of info. This too intensifies when I am up and disappears when I'm down.

This, so this.

I want to learn everything and do so with no instruction or necessity for it. I did very well from an education perspective but so often it just doesn't feel enough. I've been told on a couple of occasions that I have a real spark behind the eyes - each time I was hypomanic and hadn't slept in days.

Double edged sword though, since I tend to go very "bad" hypomanic fast.

[Standup2me]

what you want to do with your life, I still don't know the answer to that. I am an accountant, and work is stable, but it is a paycheque not a love. Do what you love right?

whether you want a lot of people around or want to mostly be left alone, ahhhh, no people , no no. Big crowds freak me out. I'm small and have been whisked away om crowds a few times

where you want to live, I moved from the country to the city a few years back. I would like to go back to country life

whether you want to have pets or hate having to care for them, Love my furry babies. 7 cats and a dog. When I say that they have saved my life so many times, I really do mean it.

whether you want to exercise a lot and eat healthy or you just want to have fun I need to exercise more and eat better. I think that I am eating myself to death. I don't know how to stop.

whether you want a romantic partner or that's more trouble than it's worth I am on marriage #4 now. It's been almost five years with my current. For me, that is a record!!

whether you think you have a lot of love to give or that you do people a favor by not getting involved because you KNOW you'll dump them later I don't think that I have love to give. Sometimes I am not even sure what love means

Does this happen to anybody else who has bipolar disorder but not borderline personality disorder? I'm always changing. Each time I flipflop it's because I really, clearly see that the other way is all wrong for me and a terrible mistake. I last a few months on my latest "fad" but then, oops, THAT was wrong.Yes, but I don't think that it is a BP/BPD issue, I think that it is just my personality

I ask because a while back I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (the last 2 times it's been bipolar) and I wonder if that was true also.

I'm not asking for people here to diagnose me, just whether this has been your experience too.

[lunaticfringe]

Thank you for this post tentoedsloth. I really relate to what you wrote. I do not so much change my beliefs but the last part about where you described going through different phases...this is me to a T. In fact I am in the midst of a phase ending right now and it is really serious...no idea what I'm going to do.

[BipolaRNurse]

I wasn't diagnosed till I was 53, so my sense of self had been established long before then. Finding out officially that I was bipolar rocked my world, but it didn't change who I was at my core. It took me a little while to realize that.....it is a game-changer for sure. But I've always been bipolar, I just didn't have a name for it until three years ago. Does that make sense?