Are you very moody and sensitive even when not in a depressive or manic episode?

I've read that it's common to wake up depressed and get better as the day goes on. While this is true for me when the source of depression is external (i.e., a bad breakup), usually I experience the opposite.

In the mornings my work goes well and I feel generally happy and hopeful (not manic - just "normal"). As the evening approaches I begin feeling increasingly defeated and anxious - everything accomplished during the day turns to ****. By the time I go to bed I've been crying on/off for hours, overcome by a sense of meaninglessness, futility, self-hatred, guilt, hopelessness etc. Everything I do is pointless and arbitrary, I will never have an exciting idea again, my brain is a fraudulent and sluggish thing that feels alien to me.

wake up. shake it off. repeat.

I've been exercising, eating well, not drinking very much, listening to good music etc. but this pattern seems inevitable. I have an exhibition in a month and nothing to show for all my puttering around the past year so now add anxiety to the mix.

Has bipolar just weakened me in general? So that now when I'm not having "an episode" I'm just psychologically frail, brain beaten down? too many "amazing ideas" to trust myself with a new one? Nothing I do has any "staying power" - it's all surface, it's all happenstance, it's all mediocre and anonymous.

Why can't I just feel like the same person for more than a week?!?!!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Are you sure you aren't having an episode? Maybe less than others you've had but still some depression? You really sound depressed in what you wrote. You also sound like you are under a lot of stress and that it is overwhelming. You are doing good self-care but sometimes it happens anyway. It also sounds like you are being hard on yourself. I know it is hard not to be when it is so hard to do what you want to do in life and have it be easy like it should be but that also goes with depression.

I don't know but maybe it's something to think about?

[Capriciousness]

I second what Jen said.

Bipolar is ridiculous and there aren't really rules and defined boundaries of episodes and all that. The DSM is a nice try but no cigar kind of thing. I spent a long long time trying to make sense of MY particular version of Bipolar along side the "rules" etc of the DSMs Bipolar. And you know what. I don't care anymore. it is what it is.

So who knows. You could be in a real "episode". You could be having just some minor depressive symptoms. You could be cycling a little. Whenever I feel like that I just remind myself that Bipolar is ridiculous and carry on.

I relate to you because I have felt and asked what you have so so so many times.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I like this. Thank you for sharing the thought.

Originally Posted by Capriciousness

. Whenever I feel like that I just remind myself that Bipolar is ridiculous and carry on.

.

thank you both for you words and thoughts. I honestly feel like sometimes I can't tell when I'm depressed anymore (when it's mild at least). And I am incredibly hard on myself most of the time, which is probably part of depression and adds to it.

I guess I should be thankful I'm not feeling worse and am still able to function relatively well...

thank you again