Did I say my mood was switching?? hahahahaha

This is when I hate bipolar, when I have every reason to think I know what is about to happen to me and it decided to pull out every last stop and do the opposite. I was so sleepy and slightly down today and I thought that was surely stop one on the rollercoaster trip down the big hill. Turns out I found another hill to climb at the bottom of the last one. 2:15 AM and I'm not even relaxed enough to bother with valium because it won't work. The last few nights I've had my 2nd dose by now.

So more like still mixed, threw in a little rapid cycling and now I'm back to not sleeping. I'm glad I didn't increase my AD on my own....

I'm staying next door at my mom's dogsitting right now. At 1 AM I had to go check on my cat because I was worrying about her way too much. She pulled her hair out on her belly and chewed a raw spot. She needs steroids but her kidneys are too bad to risk them unless it gets really bad. She also has a urinary infection and against my better judgment I let them tap her bladder for a sample. She screamed in pain the whole time and teh vet said something about arthritis. That was Monday. I think they really made her hips hurt; she's been in pain since and doesn't even want me to hold her and she really doesn't want me to look at her belly. She lays still and lets me clean it like that feels good but being held hurts her and she hadn't purred in a couple of days. She finally did tonight after I sat on the floor by her bed for a long time. But my brain is going to bad, bad places that I'm not ready to go to. I really know that I have some pain treatment options before the end but the vet made it clear this wound could be the end. (The cat will be 20 in 2 months and has allegedly been dying of kidney failure for years; last June I was told only a few months and here she is, healthier than a year ago except for this sore. I just want to be at my house with her. I hate the idea that this could be the thing that means euthenasia, especially if I'm right and it is her hip joints causing the severe pain. I started glucosamine and I'll call the vet tomorrow and maybe get a pain med for her. She tends to not do well with oral meds, they upset her stomach badly, but she is in too much pain to ignore it. I'll be home a couple of days and then back here dogsitting for several more. I spend the days at my house but I worry it's not enough even though she sleeps 23/24 hours minimum). Anyway, the worrying has me ramped right back up into who needs sleep land.

Never ending mess......I also got a very upset stomach tonight. That's the 2nd time since I went on the higher dose Seroquel. I've felt fine between. It doesn't make sense. Maybe stress. Who knows?

Sorry, this is very manic and rambling and I can't fix it. I'm hoping it will help me sleep to just say what I'm afraid of.

I hear you
By taking an A.P. I was able to get a couple hours of sleep but that keeps me in a MUCH safer zone. I don't feel like I am on the urge of "tripping the light fantastic"
As far as adding the A.D. that's why I think sometimes it is better to see the pdoc in person but mine is only 10 minutes away and yours is quite a drive

I'm so sorry Jen to hear about your cat. It's always frustrating with vets and animals in my experience. The poor animal can't talk so we are left to guess. I'm glad it seems to be doing better than a year ago tho so it seems to be doing okay the bad stuff aside. I always look for there happiness and I'm sure with all the care you just typed about he/she is very happy. Hope all goes well for you an your cat. I'm with you with not being able to sleep. My doctor gave me saphris telling me be carefully it will knock you on your ***. It did the first night for about two hours...then I was up again. Sleeping with this disorder sucks. Nothing seems to work. But now I'm just rambling on. Wishing you the best!

I didn't take my Seroquel last night as I missed my antidepressants dose too, and I drank the night before. Bad move. BAD BAD move. Hahaha. So I ended up being awake for work at 6:30am and going to bed at 1am...which I found it hard to sleep, kept tossing and turning. I might of slept at around 2am. Who knows. But today I felt so much rage. This is a scary mania I am experiencing today. So much ANGER. But I am calming down now. Which is good because I don't want to spend the entire day angry over something petty. Mum thinks my dose needs to be higher than 100mg. I've only just started it. I don't want to be hit hard with it.

Also I am really sorry about your cat...My dog was in a lot of pain before she went. It was really hard and upsetting to..let her go....omg frozen you ruin my life hahaha.

That sound like me when I had to work with no sleep blackrose. I would always get angry manias after a week of it. They always made me a cooking machine for a week (I worked as a chef) then my hallucinations and delusions would show up. My last job (bad mistake but needed money) was a 2 am shift that went to 3pm every day weekends off. I couldn't sleep and went to bed at 12 almost every night. This went on for a month with a few days of somewhat sleep. I lost it. Flipped out on everyone and lost my job. So here I am in my moms basement trying to get better. I'm just learning what I can an cant do. That was a big no no hope your doing better today!

My rage today end up me pacing around in circles in front of my mum screaming out and chanting words that she yelled at me earlier and I carried it on. Plus I cycled to work with heavy metal music lol. I feel calmer now. In fact laughing over old ladies with saggy tits knocking peoples eyes out. Hahahaa. I am sorry about your job...I worked in burger king but spent 6 months of depression there. They asked what happened to the confident me during the interview? Well I for sure thought I just had depression then and didn't think I had extreme mood swings.

Haha glad them old lady titties gave you a laugh I'm laughing myself now :P I've had the confident interview thing before as well. It seems I like to find new jobs when beginning mania. I'm super confident, have no anxiety, super quick, really nice and funny then bam hello full blown mania or hello mixed moods. They are always like what happened? Why can't you preform like before, etc. that always makes me feel like **** (if I can at the time lol good old mania for ya) but anyway glad to see you laugh and smile and that you could pass it on with a little joke

I'm already on twice the FDA approved amount of Seroquel. Unfortunately I do not respond well to drugs and they don't do what they are supposed to do a lot. I'm taking gabapention, topamax, klonopin, valium, huge dose of seroquel, all of which should make me tired and they don't. I'm hoping that I might be able to add Latuda (which would let me be on less Seroquel eventually) but it would be through patient assistance and so I wouldn't get it for a couple of weeks after it was prescribed. I'm also on 1/3rd of my antidepressant to cut down on stimulation. So there is no way I should not be able to sleep but I don't seem to be that affected by the meds.

I think my psychiatrist and I have things worked out so that what needs to be done gets done. If I have to I can see her more but that almost never happens. If she questions what I'm saying she can talk to my therapist (and they do talk sometimes). But I'm pretty good at telling her what is going on and responding if I'm wrong (ie if the AD had gone up and then last night happened I know how to get my blood level down again).

It's so complicated isn't it?

Thanks. She is happy. That's why I know she's hurting, she is not happy at all right now. She loves to be held and now it hurts her. I hate that. She'll be ok eventually and I have a call in for some pain meds but I just feel bad I agreed to the test at all. Never, ever again no matter what.

I've never tried Saphris. It interacts with something I'm on. My dr I thought told me it wasn't that sedating when we discussed it and I didn't want to add another AP very much. It's one of the few I've missed (excepting the older ones.)

I'm hoping this is temporary and from her arthritis. I do think my vet of choice has just changed unless she has a really good explanation for why the cat is hurting so much.

I'm sorry you had a rough night. I used to have those when working too. I'd have to be at a meeting or whatever and I'd skip meds so I'd be alert and then not sleep and be all over the place with my mood the next day. Not fun.

I am pretty sure this has been a mixed mood all day. My friend said "you're not being yourself" I could be wanting to laugh or to cry today like wtf. Make up your mind! Then I went and bought a new pair of shoes hahaha. Walked back home and here I am back on this site replying and messaging people. Yeah I was super confident with finding a job. Would fill in an application on the same day or some **** and hand it in.