[Cychotic]

Hi I am new here. I haven't had much luck with my diagnosis. Several shrinks down the line, I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder and Depression. I have reasons to believe that I may be Bipolar, though I'd be very happy if I am not. Plain vanilla depression seems to be easier to live with.

Can you help me understand if the feelings of High Self Esteem only exist amongst Bipolar patients while the Depression patients always feel low on self esteem? I have a very high self esteem when I am at work or anywhere outside amongst others, but I panic and freak out when I am alone for no reason. And no, it is not a coping mechanism. I am generally confident, know what I am doing, am good at work and have moved up the corporate ladder to be considered successful. I am happily married with kids and have hobbies. However, I don't have any friends and it is mostly due to my feeling of me being better than most on the planet. Yet I panic when I am alone. I no longer like the sound of this as until today, I knew nothing about Bipolar Disorder.

I was on Celexa for a year and it over stabilized me to a point where I became like a monk, no happiness or sadness whatsoever. Then Cymbalta for 6 months and I felt like a god. I felt like there was nothing I could accomplish. I had to give it up recently due to most anti depressants causing hives. I am told that it is a common side effect. I got a prescription for Effexor XR today, yet to begin the course. I thought I could live without the Cymbalta but this morning I woke up crying. I felt alone on the planet. Like somebody abandoned me on earth and left and now I am all alone. Then I was at the mall for lunch and was staring at almost everybody as lesser mortals. Get my drift?

Please tell me I am not bipolar, just very very messed up.

[Row Jimmy]

IMO, sometimes (sometimes) it doesn't make a difference, really, what they "say" you are. I am diagnosed BP and have symptoms of hypomania, mild depression, grandiosity, paranoia, anger, racing thoughts, rapid speech, and unreasonable goal orientation. But I also have a tendency to lean toward other stuff on the BPD spectrum like splitting. I own *something* (whatever that something is) and I try to stay centered by engaging in normal stuff like eating well, sleeping well, and working out while finding some satisfaction in it all.

I am thoughtful about it all but in the end, I just roll with it. My p-doc is the pro and I let him sort of lead the way. I am fortunate - he is good, he's funny, and he's conservative with his approach. Since there's no pathology to mental illness, I accept that some of this is a bit of guesswork. In the end, I can't be antagonistic because I'm not a doctor, I just play one on TV. I try to be mindful and work on being a better me one day at a time. I have struggled with substance abuse as well and have learned I can't let my guard down by telling myself it was all a dream or I was having a bad run. I hope I know better but every day for us is a challenge. Rock on.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm working on it, but I have virtually no self esteem, unless I am hypomanic, that's the only time I think I'm the bees knees.


That being said, I always come across as very confident, and I am. I'm actually super confident, socially and professionally, but I "naturally" don't really think highly of myself (because I have self-loathing issues) and that's attributed to my BPD diagnosis, so I'm grateful that my BP gives me a break from that with every up swing.


Sorry,but idk anything about a correlation between BP and what you've described.


May just be that you're a depressive who happens to ooze confidence and perform well at work because that's where you're in your element.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

We can't really diagnose you here because we are just patients. It sounds like you may have some characteristics of bipolar---but so do lots of people who don't have it.

Since you've had trouble getting a diagnosis is there any chance of going to a really good dr who specializes in mood disorders? I was very hard to diagnose and wound up first diagnosing myself and then getting into a mood disorders program where they did a really thorough assessment before diagnosing me. I then got 6 free months of treatment from these great doctors while I did a clinical trial (which is optional). If there isn't a mood disorder clinic nearby a large teaching hospital will have psychiatrists who are experts in mood disorders and may be able to help you find answers. It's worth driving a little bit, even if you only go long enough to get a diagnosis you feel comfortable with.

Diagnosis is tricky. There are so many disorders that overlap and it take someone really good at diagnosis sometimes to sort it out.

Bipolar is also considered a spectrum disorder so you can fall in many places on the range which also makes it hard to really get diagnosed.

I do think that it is pretty normal to be more confident in some areas of life and not at all confident in others. I was very confident in myself as a professional but not confident at all in myself in friendships/family interactions, for example.

[Cychotic]

Thanks for the great responses. Since I don't want to be without anti depressants right now, I will begin the Effexor and then try to find a different doctor over the next few weeks.

[raspberrytorte]

Couldn't say... but I wish I had that much self confidence!

I don't even know if I really have bipolar. I get so many different opinions from various doctors I've seen over the years. I'm just confused.

[Hexagram]

To be bipolar you must experience mania, and the only symptom of mania that you cite is high self-esteem. While the self-esteem of those in manic episodes are often exaggerated or even delusional, your self-esteem seems rational and well-earned.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Sorry,but idk anything about a correlation between BP and what you've described.

I don't either. The thing about symptoms is that they're uncharacteristic of a person. To illustrate, descriptions of hypomanic me vs normal me.

Hypomanic me: Shop a bunch and spend a lot of money buying ridiculous "so very much not me" things.
Normal me: hate shopping, pretty frugal, have a well-defined style

Hypomanic me: I'll think I'm super-person-- throw my hands in the air and shout that I'm a genius. And hilariously funny. And should have been a race car driver, because I'm ripping down mountain passes shouting how I could kick Mario Andretti's azz.
Normal me: well, not like that. i mean, I'm a good driver, but don't spend my time thinking how I could kick M.A.'s azz. Lol.

Hypomanic me: very social. Talking like crazy even with people I can't stand. Loud. Will commandeer a gathering. Say inappropriate things. Be pretty obnoxious, really. Like a 6 year old on a sugar rush.
Normal me: very shy, pretty socially awkward, generally quiet. Seriously, I barely even talk to people I work with.

Hypomanic me: decide that giving myself a drastic haircut at 1 am with dollar store scissors (and no skill at it whatsoever, but you know, seeing how I'm a genius...) is a REALLY GOOD idea.
Normal me: would not

You get the idea.

Originally Posted by Cychotic

...Then Cymbalta for 6 months and I felt like a god. ...I thought I could live without the Cymbalta but this morning I woke up crying. I felt alone on the planet. Like somebody abandoned me on earth and left and now I am all alone.

I have heard that coming off Cymbalta can be really rough. Maybe it's something to do with that(?)

P.s. Apologies for the grammatical nightmare this is.

[Sinking Feeling]

I agree with Jimmy! Though I am diagnosed BP how do I really know I am, how do they really know? It really is all about the symptoms not the diagnosis. Treat the symptoms and don't worry about the diagnosis. It's just a label, and their criteria changes often too!

[tipper1492]

Personally, I believe only a psychiatrist can diagnose you, and bad to say I read, 90% of the time, they diagnose wrong. You can search Google for lots of good information. My first psychiatrist for 5 or more years was of little help. The female psychiatrist I have had for the last 3 or more years has it right. The medications she put me on has worked out very well now.

[RisuNeko]

A lot of people who are bipolar go from being diagnosed with major depression and generalized anxiety or panic disorder to being diagnosed bipolar when the mania is finally noticed. That's what happened to me.

[Toodles333]

Originally Posted by RisuNeko

A lot of people who are bipolar go from being diagnosed with major depression and generalized anxiety or panic disorder to being diagnosed bipolar when the mania is finally noticed. That's what happened to me.

How did your mania display itself? I hope it's ok to ask.

[Cychotic]

Well, I guess I don't DISPLAY any mania. But it is there inside my head. "I've lived so many lives, all in my head" said a wise man once. In my head, I go from being delusional and having no self esteem to being the smartest guy I know. As I am walking down the street or at the mall, I smirk at every other guy or girl and go inside my head " what a loser".

Guess I will just have to wait to explode and have a manic episode.

[RisuNeko]

Maybe you've only had hypomania. A lot of people can't tell when I'm hypomanic because I try to keep it under wraps.

[Sinking Feeling]

For what it's worth, I experience two different types of mania, good and bad. The good is what we all read about every where the care free high energy do no wrong type. I get that once in a great while. More often I get the bad mania! Extreme irritability, rage, extreme anxiety, paranoia, feel wired and tired at the same time. Over all not very good and can easily be seen as other things.

Originally Posted by Cychotic

Well, I guess I don't DISPLAY any mania. But it is there inside my head. "I've lived so many lives, all in my head" said a wise man once. In my head, I go from being delusional and having no self esteem to being the smartest guy I know. As I am walking down the street or at the mall, I smirk at every other guy or girl and go inside my head " what a loser".

Guess I will just have to wait to explode and have a manic episode.

That is not mania, and who ever told you it was had rocks in their head.

Those are normal thought processes for some people.

What things have been happening in your life lately? Why do you want to take antidepressants?

Effexor is a tough drug to come off if it *does* trigger mania, or if it doesnt work (as in 3 weeks in a psyc ward with the worst withdrawls you can imagine tough). So think carefully before you take it.

Do you have a therapist? Have you tried simple CBT? You seem to be capable enough in your thought process.

[raspberrytorte]

The first time I was inpatient because I was having some sort of mixed state, the inpatient doctor said that for some people mania isn't as obvious. Like some people are all over the place, spending money, dancing around in the rain, etc. And other people it's more in their head.

(At least, he said something a long those lines. It was a long time ago and my memory sucks. He could have been full of ****, but that's just what he said.)

If I am bipolar (and it's not just a severe anxiety situation), it's all just bad. Just paranoia and anxiety and delusional thinking and hallucinations and intolerable racing thoughts, etc. There's little euphoria. Just anger and irritability and above mentioned and frenzy. I think I experience mixed episodes more than anything (if I do have bipolar).

I definitely prefer a plain old severe depression episode. I can handle those.

I can't handle the mixed thing. Those are intolerable and have landed me inpatient twice.

I think now they're more looking at bipolar as a spectrum thing. Like when I was inpatient in january the inpatient doctor said that, based on my history, I do have bipolar affective disorder (a term I have never heard).

[Sinking Feeling]

I'm betting he was full of **** lol.

Like I said, don't worry about the label just address the symptoms. Life is so much easier that way