Fly by... Trigger

This is sort of a fly by post, I guess. I just need to get this out so I can stop perseverating over it in my head...it's really long, and I don't really have any questions. Just needing to explode somewhere safe. Please feel totally free to give up here and move on to another post.

I'm having a hard time these past several days. I got fed up with my daughter over having to keep track of every little thing she does and doesn't do so that what has to get done gets done. Sunday night I lost it with her, because she spent her whole weekend reading and playing with friends and neglected an assignment for a class she does with a friend on Sundays and practicing her piano. I got on her to practice, and she broke down in tears because they're supposed to be testing at school this week and she wanted to be sure to go to bed early for that. Which would interfere with the only time left in her weekend to practice piano.

I was done. Had it. I'm totally over being the only person who kills herself paying for activities, driving her all over town to do them, and then hounding her so that she works on them during the week. She likes doing the activities, but I'm the only one who is focused on her putting in the effort to make it worthwhile (so she's not wasting our time or the instructors').

I was FUMING mad. Told her to go to bed and then exploded at my husband about the whole thing. Because of his reaction, I lost it with him, too. He was too calm. He spoke with her and explained that she had two weeks to demonstrate to us her commitment to these activities, or we would stop doing them. Perfect response, right? But while I was upset, he just STARED QUIETLY at me, like he was just waiting for the crazy to ramp down. And then after he spoke with her in her room, he came back to the living room and used such a calm, placating voice and approach with me, it just felt absolutely condescending and insulting! I snapped at him, and he just gave up on me, told me I 'won,' and stormed off to bed.

So I sat on my couch and felt pissed off and miserable and defeated and disgusted with myself. Once I made it through most of the anger, I went through all of the worst set of thoughts I normally do when I'm feeling like an absolute monster, a worthless and destructive mother and wife. Thoughts of leaving - driving off so that they wouldn't have to see me again. How much easier it would be if I only had to interact with myself. It got pretty detailed, with planning fantasies of setting up a totally separate bank account and shuffling some cash in, then living off that so that I didn't have to use any credit cards or anything else that they could find me with. Stacking abandonment up against what I am as a wife/mother, the former has to be the better option, right? And if I were gone, then they could all go on and get along better for it in the end. And then it wouldn't matter what I did next.

Also had some pretty strong fantasies about trying to figure out some combo of things to take to check out relatively quietly and peacefully, but being certain that it would be 'successful'.

I guess I'm thankful I talked myself in circles for awhile, then talked myself down altogether. But now I'm in this horrible place between high and low all the time, and it takes almost NOTHING to send me from the mom who is super excited about planning a fun snack 'out' with the kids (ice cream, cupcakes, smoothies, etc.), to being furious with my daughter behaving meanly towards her brother in a store, and then driving straight home instead of going out to snack. Super minor, right? But now I'm back in this awful, tear-filled negativity spiral about how mad I am at her, how horrible a mom I am, how much I want to give up on trying to remind her to do what she should. And I'm mad at myself that I couldn't some up with some way to not punish my son at the same time. And I just don't want to be around them now, either of them. I just want to curl up and cry. And when my husband gets home eventually, I think I'll want to just leave again.

I hate this. Why am I balancing on such a thin wire!? I feel great, then I feel awful, then I spiral into something dismal, and all over some unkind words between my kids? Why can't I stop this!?!?!? Why can't I react more reasonably!?!?!? What kind of mom just wants to give up and walk out on her family!?

And I don't have anyone to talk this through with. If I tell my husband I need to go for a drive when he gets home, he'll want to talk it all over when I get back, which will keep me in this frame of mind. I don't have another therapy appt until next Tuesday, but it was supposed to be my last...I've been doing really well until this week. I don't want to lose ground. I don't want to have to keep going. I want to be better, or at least I want to stop feeling like I'll never be better. And every time I go to therapy, I feel like I'm never going to be done. If I tell her how I've been feeling, I don't know what will happen. I've never told her about my suicidal feelings - usually they pass pretty quickly, within a day or two. And I've never attempted anything. But I hate the ideation, and I really just don't want to discuss that with anyone, ever.

Ugh...I just needed to get all of that out.

Just want tO let you know your not alone. Actually I am the same way with my three kids but I am a single mom so I don't have a SO to snap on, which may or may not help lol.

What I find helps me is making sure I have an hour a day at minimum to myself. No not cleaning cooking or anything else. Something fun or enjoyable like knitting, crosswords, meditation etc. The more centered I am the calmer I am with my kids. Explaining this need to your husband might help scheduling time for just you.

I hope I helped. Take care of yourself.

I totally can relate. It's so hard being a parent sometimes! Sometimes I get impatient with my daughter for no reason really and get really short with her (she's three by the way). She's being stubborn about using the potty. I'm getting so frustrated about it! And then I get angry with her, and I know it's not her fault. She's obviously trying, and we're all trying really hard to get her to use it, and she does use it, just not all of the time (and please don't think I'm a horrible mother because I have a three year old who isn't completely potty trained. We're TRYING. We're working on it! We're not lazy parents!). And she's a great kid too. Other than the whining she's very well behaved. Sigh. I just hate being frustrated about the potty thing! I know she'll get there. It's just taking so LONG. Ugh!

Anyway, what I've been doing lately is going to the park by myself at least once a week and sitting by the water by myself. It's really soothing and relaxing, and I always feel much better afterwards.

I agree with the above poster about taking some time out for yourself. I think it's really important for us to keep our sanity.

Parenting can be so HARD!

Also, I take drives at night by myself too sometimes. It feels nice. Very freeing. I think it's a good thing.

I've been thinking about going for a drive at night, but I'm worried about not wanting to come back. Once while driving, I had a really strong and terrifying impulse to crash on the freeway. I had my son in the car with me. It was an awful feeling, and I barely felt like I had control. If he hadn't been in the car with me, I'm pretty sure I still would have controlled that, but not positive. Another time, I was driving home at night, and I turned off into a dark convention center parking lot. I struggled really hard with myself to go home instead of just taking off. The scariest part is, I can't even remember if my kids were with me that time.

These episodes aren't my norm - they're my extremes. I just hate feeling (like I do right now) that they can be so easily and unpredictably triggered.

Also, raspberrytorte, on the potty thing? My son wasn't trained until he was 4, and that was just daytime with accidents every other day or so. He's 5.5 now, and still has an accident every two weeks or so. He still hasn't made it through the night dry. My daughter, who is now 9, was day-trained around 3, with accidents every several days for another year or two. She didn't stop having accidents (every other week or so) until she was 7. But she was dry through the night almost from the start. It is no reflection on your parenting. Kids are ready when they're ready.