Lost...

As some of you may have read (as I've been posting a lot lately) I've been having some cognitive issues as well as mood issues. I'm Also Borderline Personality so my reactions to things sometimes are not the most uh, appropriate.

I have been calling my nurse and going to my therapy appointments, voicing my concerns.

It seems like their all (including my husband) are just dismissing my troubles. My husband says "you just need to get your confidence back, or you're just anticipating something happening". I got from my nurse yesterday that "oh, it's mommy brain, I used to get that.".

Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I'm making it all up. This morning is very difficult for me. I don't know why. I just feel like ending it. I was supposed to get so many earrands done yesterday but I went to drop my son off at my parents, and I just couldn't go out. I feel like such a failure. I'm letting everyone down. I mean, I can't even get a few fu**ing errands done. WTF? I'm a fu**ing 35 year old woman with 2 kids who can't run earrands?

I just don't know what to do. Everyone else is sleeping right now. Thank goodness.

My husband told me about a job offer he got yesterday. It's for somewhere about 1000 or so km from us. My family JUST got to the point where we all live in the same city again. WE get together often. I rely on my family a lot. I've been hospitalized 4 times. Like WTF would we have done without support then? WE have a 2 year old for crying out loud and my husband works long hours. The money would be more than double what he's making now, so it's appealing. My purpose to this rambling is that if I wasn't around, he and my young son could move and my older son could stay and live with my parents.

I"m just lost this morning. Maybe it's all in my head but it sure feels darn real in my emotions.

I'm glad that you felt like you could come here and let off steam. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate with a two year old and to have to thing about moving must be overwhelming. I hope that your husband is willing discuss the pros and cons about the move with you. Family support can be so important.

I hope that today goes better for you.

Forgive me, but the phrase "it's all in your head" tends to piss me off. Yes, sweetheart, it is all in your head, but only because that's where our brains, minds, and emotion controlling doo-hickeys are located (in theory, of course). The fact/theory that mental illinesses are rooted in the brain doesn't make the things we go through any less real and it certainly doesn't mean that we are making it all up. It's unfair that people dismiss you/us and your/our emotions so easily. I'm not saying that your reactions were proportionate, since I don't know what your reactions were, but I feel confident saying that simply having a reaction to someone dismissing you in that way is quite understandable to me.

Ahem, sorry for the rant, I also have disproportionate responses to stimuli.

My mother, who was diagnosed Bipolar when I was 6, tells me that when you feel like a failure try to tell yourself that you only failed at that moment in time. Maybe you did fail this morning, but that doesn't mean that you will fail tomorrow, or even for the rest of the day. However, it doesn't sound like you've failed to me. If the kids are still breathing, then you've won!

Hang in there momof2boys, feel free to vent here anytime because we get it. I just got here, but is your hubby working right now? Time to way the pros and cons for all involved, that is, your entire family. Sure the money is great, but wouldn't losing your support be just as important? Or, if he's going to make more money elsewhere, maybe hiring a nanny to help? Just have to explore the options. I hope things work out for you.

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I have felt the same way as well recently. Luckily, an increase in one of my meds has helped. I also have children and it's hard. There are days that I don't run errands, too. There are days I don't even get out of my pajamas or take a shower for that matter. Sometimes, we just have to allow ourselves a "day off." Be kind to yourself; you are not a failure because you didn't run errands. You are doing the very best you can with young children and a medical condition that sometimes makes life hard to live. Try to take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, give yourself a break.....

As far as hearing about your cognitive issues, I heard the same thing from my therapist and doctor. I would complain about my memory and they would say, "that happens to me too. It's just part of having kids." I was so tired of hearing that! I can really relate. I finally referred myself to a neuropsychologist and had testing that showed decreased memory ( 1 percentile) and overall cognitive functioning was way below where it should be based on my age and education. Finally, I have confirmation and validation. Bipolar is a thought disorder and a mood disorder both. It DOES absolutely affect cognition and mood both.

As far as the move, I agree with the other comments. Must weigh the pros and cons and I really agree if you do move, get a mother's helper or a nanny. If your husband is making more money, that might be something to consider to put in your budget.

Bottom line- I know how you feel and I can relate to every single thing in your post as so many others here do as well. Hope you start feeling better very soon.

Mom2trips+1

Hugs mumof2boys.

My experience in life is that you should never underestimate the impact a lack of stability around you can create. For me it takes literally years to get my affairs to a place where I can function properly in my surroundings and have the support network I need. Stability is everything. I moved 5 years ago when I was on a high for family reasons, thinking I could help, and am still struggling myself, and unable to help others. In retrospect, big mistake, I never realized just how much moving would have an impact on me.

I am not in your circumstances, but what you feel is real and you need to give voice to it. A bigger house or better bank balance is not worth didily squat if you are not mentally in a place to enjoy it.

I wish you well. xx