[Lonely1985]

Hi Everyone,

I just joined the forum and this is my first post. I am looking for some advice on how to cope with mental illness.

A little background: I had a very difficult childhood, I won't bore you with the whole story but cliff notes are that my mom left at age 2, my dad (who also struggles with serious mental illness) tried to raise me but eventually the state took me away due to abuse and neglect and I spent the remainder of my teenage years (14 - 17) in foster care in over 2 dozen homes, most of which were extremely unhealthy environments.

Suprisingly I did more than just survive my childhood, I actually did ok for myself. I was so determined to turn my life around, that despite failing out of every high school I went to (missed too many days) and having no support network except a long term boyfriend who committed suicide at age 17 (he also suffered with mental illness), I was emancipated at age 17 and went on to get a high-school diploma, put myself through college and then went on to obtain my MBA. Today I am a well-educated and well-paid professional, I just got married last month and we bought our first house. From all outside perspectives, you would think it was a happily-ever-after tale but sadly that is not the case.

I kept thinking that I could turn my life around, but no matter what I did or how much I accomplished my mental health continues to deteriorate and although I have built a life to be proud of, I have never felt more suicidal than I do now. I live a very sad and lonely life that is void of purpose, almost like the struggle gave me something to live for and to try for; now that I have accomplised almost everything I ever wanted - I feel empty.

I have been diagnosed with several different disoders including depression, PTSD, GAD, Bipolar and Boderline (BPD). I have no doctor of any kind and take no medications (other than recreational drugs that I use to self-medicate).

My mental illness is causing a huge problem for my new husband, he is a good person (and loving husband) that doesn't have the slightest clue what mental illness is. Recently (after buying a house and getting married) my mental state began to worsen dramatically. My husband is gone at least half of the time (he travels for work) and I find myself lonely, depressed and suicidal; my mania/ hypomania episodes are fewer and further between but can be extreme like a few months ago when I went to italy by myself for 10days due to borderline agoraphobia (self diagnosed after-wards).

My illness is affecting my job and my marriage. It seems that I was ok when I was by myself but apparently being in a "healthy" relationship is more than I can deal with. I don't want to commit suicide becuase I know personally how much pain it causes loved ones and I don't want to leave my husband so it seems like the only other option is to take medications but that poses some big problems for me.

With so many different diagnoses it is hard to know which doctor to trust (my therapist wrote me a Dr note to go to Italy - I realized afterwards isolation causes agoraphobia to worsen and stopped seeing that dr and now have no doctor - yes I have tried finding a good dr, it is much harder than one might imagine) and what (if any) medictions I should take. I can't just try something and see how it works, these are chemically addictive substances that can take a month to fully work and even longer to get off of them and many of them can make my condition a lot worse (i.e. antidepressents are bad for bipolar, Lithium is bad for depression, ect) or they could put me in a disassociative state and I risk losing my mania and any happiness or any excitment that I have left. My biggest concern is that every medicine that I have researched lists "increased suicidal thoughts or actions" as a possible side effect and I simply cannot push that button any further, I am just a little to close-to-the-edge with my suicidal thoughts and sadly I don't have anyone to "watch me" or monitor how bad my suicidal thoughts are so this is particularly risky.

Does anyone have any suggestions or experiences that you can share with me to help me?

Thanks,
Lonely1985

[kaliope]

hi lonely
i fully understand the rollercoaster you are on. i rode it for 30 years and refused meds at all costs. then it reached a point where i knew i was going to be dead and i had to break down and take meds. i had to let go of all the "reasons" meds were a bad idea and just take them. i dont know where you come up with the idea that meds are addicting, the benzos are, but there are no reason to take those to stabilize bipolar. wellbutrin saved my life. total turn around for me. it took a while to find the right meds for my bipolar, it was aggravating trying med after med. but i controlled it. if i didnt like a side effect, i made them change it. they would say wait it out. i refused. if it wasnt working within a month, i made them change it. i wouldnt increase a dose on something that wasnt working. eventually we found the right meds for me. i have a perfectly normal life. the only med that every made me more suicidal was when i took lunesta but that was for sleep, not a bipolar med. when you hit your bottom, you will be willing to try anything. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[LastQuestion]

The answer for me has been to get off of medications and use treatments that promote good health and mental well-being in a general context. At the same time I engage in specific therapies for issues such as insomnia, depression, mania, and fatigue.

I have found sleep, diet, and exercise tantamount to stability. There is no substitute for sleep and I have found Dark Therapy extremely useful in maintaining a healthy sleep cycle. I've learned a great deal about diet and at this point in time believe that what we consume has profound effects on our mental health. What many consider to be a good, 'healthy', diet is distant from what I've learned is necessary for optimal health and well-being. I am frankly surprised at the disparity between the two. Even though I walk/run about 7 miles a day I find high intensity interval training the most effective for dealing with depression. Yoga/Tai Chi helps a lot with stress, especially when I'm fatigued.

I also use Ashwagandha root extract and l-theanine for when I need a bit extra help. Once I've completed tapering off of lamotrigine I plan on exploring a few more substances which have some potential to help.

I normally produce better posts than this, but my withdrawal from lamotrigine is really beginning to take a toll on my focus and concentration.

[Hexagram]

Meds. Lithium, for example, is many things, but it's not necessarily 'bad for depression'. Keep looking for a good doctor that can help you find a drug or combination of drugs that works for you.

[Nammu]

Welcome.

Is there a teaching hospital near you that has mental health services? They sometimes have more testing and a group will agree on a diganois, not just one doctor. Have you tried intensive outpatient groups? Sometimes that's a great place to understand yourself. You can also try looking for a psychologist who specializes in diganois and then see who he recommends for a Pdoc or a Therapist depending on if you need meds or not.

[wiretwister]

If you are really feeling depressed and even the smallest bit suicidal please seek professional help imediately ... whatever path you choose to reach your goal ,, and there are many ways,, you must keep yourself safe...

[pepperlynne]

Hi Lonely, I am sorry to hear that you are suffering. Even though we have different background stories, I understand your pain very well. When I got on meds, it changed my world. As others have stated, it took a bit of experimenting to find the right meds for me. I found that anti-seizure medication was my best bet as I am Bipolar II with frequent mixed episodes (feeling extremely up and down simultaneously). It changed my life, I was able to progress in my personal life regarding friendships, and it even helped my marriage. I do agree that there are other routes, non medicated to take as well. Maybe try both, and see what works for you. Good luck.

[UCMATH]

Originally Posted by Lonely1985

I can't just try something and see how it works, these are chemically addictive substances that can take a month to fully work and even longer to get off of them and many of them can make my condition a lot worse (i.e. antidepressents are bad for bipolar, Lithium is bad for depression, ect) or they could put me in a disassociative state and I risk losing my mania and any happiness or any excitment that I have left. My biggest concern is that every medicine that I have researched lists "increased suicidal thoughts or actions" as a possible side effect...

I'm sorry to hear that you're not feeling very well.

Frankly, I think you absolutely should try something and see if it works. It's unfortunate that many of the meds can take up to a month to work, but they're the best treatments we have for now and not taking them probably means you'll be depressed for an even longer time. Obviously, a healthy lifestyle is also crucial, but meds are usually necessary for Bipolar.

I'm curious about where you're getting your information from. You called the drugs chemically addictive substances, but that's not true of many of them. Antidepressants can be successfully taken by many Bipolar patients in conjunction with a mood stabilizer; Lithium is not "bad for depression" (it is used to treat unipolar depression), and it isn't a chemically addictive substance; ECT is highly effective for many severely depressed patients, and it won't make you worse -- the belief that it will is outdated.

Increased suicidal ideation is a possible side-effect of a lot of medications. That doesn't mean they have a high probability of making suicidal ideation worse. For instance, if 2% of patients taking a certain medication and 1% of the controls on placebo experience an increase in suicidal ideation, then there is a demonstrated increase in suicidal ideation. However, the difference is so small that the risk of an increase is outweighed by the potential benefits of the treatment.

[raspberrytorte]

I've personally never experienced suicidal ideation taking any medications.

You may be surprised too. Some meds work right away. The ones I've taken have always worked right away for me (but that's just me. It's different for everyone obviously).

Ideally I'd like to not be on anything, but that's just not possible at the moment.

Medications really may make you feel better. Don't be scared of the meds. They really do help, once you find the right ones. It takes trial and error of course, but once you're on the right cocktail you'll feel much better. You do become dependent on them and will withdrawal if you go off of them, but there's tapering of course that makes the process easier (not that getting off of them is easy by any means. Have to be honest about that. When I weaned myself off of lamictal for the first time it wasn't fun, but it was bearable).

I truly hope you feel better soon.

Again, don't be afraid of the meds. They can be your friend.

[raspberrytorte]

Oh, and I do know how hard it is to find a doctor. Most have long waiting lists, unless you get a referral. I'm personally going to be in doctor limbo land at the end of May (again!), and I'm anxious about whatever new doctor my pnp is going to get me in to see. I'm afraid I won't like him or her (and I'm assuming it's going to be a him, and I don't like male doctors. I've never met one who wasn't a jack ***). Sigh.

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central Lonely1985!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I have to say I agree with (((wiretwister))). If you are feeling suicidal you need to seek professional help now. You have more to risk by not seeking help than you have to risk from med side effects.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

[Lonely1985]

Thanks everyone for the response; it helps a lot!