I hate this (triggers)

Today is the first day in over a year I have missed daily med doses, good, but not good. I've realized that medicated I feel good, but it's fake. I notice things I didn't notice before while medicated, but it's fake. I have great clarity while medicated, but it's fake. I talk to people with such "pizazz" while medicated, but it's fake. I'm comfortable getting wasted every day because it feels good, but it's fake. I think that I'm doing what is right and what is good for me, but it's fake. Everyone around me says nothing, because they don't have paranoia, guilt delusions, ups and downs, happiness and sadness, and they just let me go because they have pity. The only reason I'm still here is because of my religion. When does it end? When am I going to be called home and my reality, fake reality, and suffering ends? Every single day I want to be done, just done. Forget this place, and this life. There is something better after we leave, that's my hope.

Have you talked to a psychiatrist about this fake feeling yet?
I suggest you do. I must say I share your sentiment in looking forward to the afterlife.
And I'm glad your not really planning on ending it all.

Yeah it's exhausting gemini double when I feel like this too - so I just wanted to say that yes, I really do relate to your post here - I've felt this way too in the past: "When does it end?" It's really hard to convince ourselves that this will end because I have a damn hard time believing this when I've been where you are in the past. So I just wanted to say please hang in there. It does pass. Even when it absolutely feels like it never will. It does pass.