May I have some help?

I have never been diagnosed with a mood disorder even though it's been very clear to me (and my counsellors) that I have some form of depression. A couple of years ago I'm almost certain I had clinical depression because I felt so suicidal and destructive all the time.

But recently it's been different. For example, I'll refer back to last June. I had been okay-ish for the most of that year so far but in June we had a family breakdown that caused me to relapse into quite severe depressive moods and further down the line, in September, I eventually got very dangerously low moods and it lasted until November, and suddenly my moods picked up. I still felt low, if I thought about suicide it would still be appealing but it wouldn't be on my mind 24/7, stealing my every day life.

Then from December to about January/February, I was mostly okay, but felt very empty a lot of the time and felt like I was 'dissociating' all the time, either that or I felt really confused with my emotions. I would almost feel so overwhelmed by my emotions that I would shut down and couldn't pinpoint how I was feeling, or I would be feeling so empty that I would feel everything. If that makes any sense. :S

And then from that time until April, I had been really...good, actually. Felt amazing, inspired by life, everything was exciting and so many nights I didn't want to sleep. It was like all these creative ideas were rushing through my head, I'd have a massive agenda to complete the next day and even the simplest things like an app on my phone or a new song, would make me so inspired and it was like I was seeing the world through a different light.

Then in April, a few things did trigger me to be fair, but my moods dropped again. Really low. I was feeling really really bad and I was so angry all the time, one minute I'd be quiet, withdrawn, the next I would quite literally scream abuse at my family. I felt so guilty and my guilt and hatred for myself made me get worse because I wanted to hurt them so much that they'd hate me too.

I'm still like this a bit now, not as extreme but still bad. This doesn't feel like depression anymore because it's not prolonged sadness, sometimes I feel a massive sense of hope and a beauty in the world. But it doesn't last very long. It's like I have three moods- an inspired mood, a mixed/dissociative mood and a really low mood.

I don't know what this is, I thought bipolar, but I don't think it is because my high moods don't seem extreme enough or prolonged enough to be that. Does anyone have any ideas? I'm honestly so confused... :/

that sounds like a very severe depression,but i mean you already knew that and i'm no professional i hope someone comes along with a better, more helpful answer and sorry if my comment happens to be a nuisance, i wanted you to know somebody read it and cared,I suppose

No it's okay, honestly thank you.
I would like another answer too, but any responses at the moment are helpful for me. I need to know that people care so thank you.

have you talked with a Therapist or Pdoc?

maybe you should print that post and show it to them?

stay strong

It sounds like BPII. The mania is more hypomanic than full out manic, as seen in BPI
Like BPI, BPII depression is dreadful, dark and scary

I agree with Elevated, you should really see a PDoc.

does it really matter WHAT your dx is... it's the symptoms you need to be taking care of... if you have a pdoc maybe a med change.. if no pdoc maybe you should try to find one.... either way I hope you get to feeling better... please take care of yourself....

I would recommend seeing a pdoc as well. It sounds to me like bipolar 2 but as wiretwister said, it's the symptoms that need treating and the dx isn't necessarily important. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Hang in there. <3

Your condition sounds a lot like mine. I didn't know what it was until I got a diagnosis about five months ago.

My BP moods are also not as extreme or prolonged. I cycle pretty quickly - four days on (hypomania) and then four days off (depression). IMO, there's no "standard" diagnosis per se. BP can take all sorts of forms.

It's really good to see you felt comfortable reaching out here, it's a wonderful accepting and supportive community. Like others have said, don't be afraid to take control of your treatment. Your symptoms are real, diagnosis or not, and there is help available. Don't leave it till tomorrow to get help. Perhaps print out your post, and then discuss it with your support team - your GP, your Pdoc, your T. If you don't have any/all of those, talk to your GP and get online and see what programs/services are available to you in your area.

Hugs xx

Thank you so much for all of your help. I think I'm going to arrange an appointment with a doctor and I especially like the idea of copying what I wrote here. I guess diagnosis doesn't matter so much but I just still want an answer to stop that little evil voice inside my head that tells me I'm useless and attention seeking etc.

Thank you again.