[mattjstead]

Hello all,
I am new to the forum and I hate to start my second post with a complaint but I just need to get it off my chest. I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar II (along with GAD / Panic Disorder / ADHD) about a year and a half ago. I went through the ringer with a "Psychiatrist" (pill-pusher) that within a years time had me on 10 medications and 2 as needed a day. No doubt, this wound me up in the mental hospital on suicide watch for a week. I have since changed insurance (resigned from my job to focus on my health and getting back to normal) and have been placed with two amazing doctors (PDoc and Psychiatrist).

Now,
for the past 3 months I have been doing okay. Not great, but not bad. Every now and then a bout of depression and zero motivation. But the past 3ish weeks I have just been down. Hardly any motivation, and then a day of complete motivation, going and going, getting things done, etc.

I have a big issue with sharing with anyone (wife included) how I am feeling. I just keep it bottled up and put on a good face. Most people don't know how I am feeling most days, and it is so tiring. I have even been "lightening" my mood journal my Psych has me keep (lightening meaning putting "normal/good" when that is far from the truth for that day).

I have an appointment on June 12th and I guess it is time to fess up and talk to him about what needs to happen. I don't know if I need to change meds or have something added? Who knows.

Any opinions would be appreciated. I know most will agree I need to tell him whats going on, I just find it so hard. I know a part of it was my upbringing (Homeschooled / Highly conservative parents / Dad and Grandfather Pentecostal Pastors) and in that situation I learned to always put on a good face, even when the opposite was true (Being a preachers kid always meant being in a good mood, good demeanor, good standing, etc). And I have always been that way. Luckily my wife can read me like a book and even when I try and brush it off she will get me to tell the truth.

Anyways,
I appreciate anyone taking the time to read this. I just needed to finally say it and get it out there.

My current medications are:
Welbutrin XL 150mg
Latuda 20mg
Lamictal 200mg
Adderall IR 20mg 2x a day
Nuvigil 150mg
Xanax as needed

Blessings all,
Matt S.

[Crazy Hitch]

Feel free to vent here anytime matt that's what we're here for - to listen to you and give you some support - I do this frequently it's a great way to let what's bothering you out. Pretty nice people who hang out here on the BP forum. You'll find heaps of support here.

I tend to be a bit of a recluse, in real life, with telling people how I really feel. I always give the stock standard "I'm fine, thank you" reply when someone asks, "How are you?". It's just something I've always done so yes, I can understand your anxiety around this.

I think some environmental factors like those that you listed in terms of your childhood have shaped who you are, not just as in you, personally per say, but I think it plays a role to some degree in how we view the world, how we communicate and express our needs to others etc.

So in terms of you being able to express what you need, personally, this may take some time for you to unpack as it has been something that has been ingrained in you, like it is in me, for some time now.

Maybe a partial solution - as it is a form of communication - is to have a very honest and open conversation with your wife, and let her know, if she asks how you are / what you are thinking, and you're not ready to answer, let her know that you will, acknowledge her question, and let her know that in due time you will let her know, maybe the next day or the day thereafter. And choose your timing of when you want to have this discussion about not always been able to answer "immediately" but asking for a days grace if you're feeling challenged = so I'd say maybe over dinner - try keep it light hearted somewhat if you can.

Let us know how you go!

[LettinG0]

I'm glad you found this place and I hope that you use it to its full advantage as a way of "practicing" expressing how you "really are." It is a safe place full of wonderfully, supportive people who truly understand. I'm glad your wife knows the real you and not just the face you put on for the world. Glad to have you here. Keep us updated.

[Nammu]

Welcome to PC. Sometimes it helps to write things down before an appointment, it makes it easier to bring things up, or to just have the doc read it.