[BeyondtheRainbow]

There is no word I can come up with to describe how I'm feeling today. I was kind of low when I woke up but rapidly the mania started pulling harder in the mixed tug of war I've got going on and now I can't sit still. Partly I'm anxious because I'm waiting to hear from my pdoc and since it is likely she'll call I keep waiting for the phone to wring but the only time it has it was a telemarketer. I even put the phone on the edge of the tub while I showered so I couldn't miss it when I couldn't stand waiting to shower anymore. That's probably quite the test of an Otterbox but it came out fine and really didn't get splashed. Still, since this is a used iPhone that I really want to last a while (another year would be great) it's best to be less daring with it.

I feel like I need to start running and not stop until I can't run anymore. (Like Forest Gump). Unfortunately I'm physically unable to run and it's too hot to even go for a walk until later in the evening.

I can't stand feeling like this. Either my pdoc responds today or she doesn't have time and doesn't. Nothing really changes if she doesn't. And possibly nothing changes if she does. But I feel really anxious because I put this all out there and told her every detail of what is going on and although she's never given me reason to think this (the opposite in fact) I'm scared she won't believe me. I can still cover this up pretty well. So why believe me?

I think it's also a million reasons not related to her; I think it's just how the chemicals are right now but it's so uncomfortable. I just want to not be feeling this; I want to be somewhere far away from being me.

[LettinG0]

I will be your running partner.....and I don't even have a reason....I'm not waiting on a phone call. But, I definitely know the feeling. Hope you can find a constructive release and feel calmer!

[wiretwister]

((((hugs))))....

[raspberrytorte]

I'll run with you. I want to run away.

Except I have really bad cardiovascular fitness, and I smoke like a chimney, so I probably wouldn't even make it a block without dying. Lol.

[cashart10]

I know this feeling SO well and it stinks! I don't have any great suggestions either. I start pacing, a lot, but I think that has to be unhealthy in some way. At least if you're by yourself, you don't look crazy, ha! Hope you get to feeling better soon!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

I'll run with you. I want to run away.

Except I have really bad cardiovascular fitness, and I smoke like a chimney, so I probably wouldn't even make it a block without dying. Lol.

Well, I'm recovering from ankle reconstruction surgery and am still mastering walking without a limp so we'd stagger along together. I can run slowly across a room....

I just want to go somewhere bipolar doesn't exist.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by cashart10

I know this feeling SO well and it stinks! I don't have any great suggestions either. I start pacing, a lot, but I think that has to be unhealthy in some way. At least if you're by yourself, you don't look crazy, ha! Hope you get to feeling better soon!

I can't even pace because I live in 600 sq feet. There is no room for pacing in here. Now that it is dark I can pace in the driveway (it's long) but as long as it's hot i can't pace outside until it is too dark to safely walk on my road. Town isn't a place I feel safe walking near dark (we have a lot of drugs here) and there's a state park near here that I could walk at but at dusk and alone doesn't seem smart. I need to find out of the school track is an option. And I have to find the school......(I've only lived here 2 years and spent half of last year unable to walk). I miss my old town where I could start walking as soon as the sun went down enough to make the mountains shadow the streets and then I could pace 4-5 miles safely while listening to my iPod.

I contacted the city pool to find out if they have adult swim times so I could burn off energy without straining my ankle but they didn't respond. And trying to swim laps around a bunch of children isn't fun. No pool at our Y.

So since I can't find a way to do this in a positive way I just want to go. The Forest Gump thing sounds so attractive......

how about folding laundry? Maybe some household activity that will occupy you for a bit and release some energy.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

That's a good idea. I actually did that last night along with cleaning the bathroom. I do still need to clean the tub....I even rotated my (heavy memory foam) mattress tonight all by myself.

Right now I've been watching a video and knitting to keep my hands busy. I think I'm starting to get sleepy. Actually I think part of me is getting sleepy and the other part of me wants to go pace in the driveway. So I think I'm going to take my valium and see what happens.

I decided I'm taking a few days off my MAOI and then restarting at a lower dose again. I'm not sure that's the problem but it can't hurt much.

I'm starting to wonder if this agitation is actually a reaction to being on the very high dose of Seroquel. I would have thought that would have shown up before 2 months but I'm going to go back down on it if the AD on hold doesn't help and I don't hear from my pdoc. I know there is one secretary there who doesn't know how to use the email system and loses information. I had requested an earlier appt a couple months ago and the request never was made because she didn't put it in. So if she got my message to please have my pdoc call me it's entirely possible my pdoc never got the message at all.

Oh well. HOpefully I can sleep soon. I'd be thrilled with 4 AM after the day I've had.