[cashart10]

Here I am listening to the Goo Goo Dolls Iris, ate so much junk food I could puke. I feel like a stupid girl. Just right. Stupid girl. My mom says I was so much worse, so much sicker, because of my stupid strep throat. She says it was in my body so much longer than I realized. Can a stupid physical illness throw you off the deep end? Now it's a bad night. I'm chocking back tears. Why am I sleeping so much? I'm not sure what happened but I should have fallen asleep by now. Instead, this melancholy hit me like a ton of ****ing bricks. I don't understand it. It couldn't be that I am getting sad again after two hours ago I said I was so much better. Maybe it is just a bad night. Maybe it is the junk food talking. Why am I such a stupid, stupid girl? I have actually gotten fat, I swear. It's the reason why my husband and my mom want me to work out and are trying to get me to eat healthy. I have gotten fat and I am a stupid, stupid girl. This is just tired but can't sleep me talking. Delirious. I will be fine tomorrow.

Possible trigger:

I feel like it would be easier to commit suicide than to get fatter and fatter on these meds. I feel like the weight gain is inevitable.

I have to be on the heavy stuff because I get so sick. My new pdoc won't prescribe benzos because they are a controlled substance which means seroquel or zyprexa it is. I can't take it. I kind of hate my life. I kind of can't take the ups and downs anymore. It's too hard. I kind of hate how sick I get and how it seems I never get better. I kind of hate how big of a burden I am on my family. I just want to be better. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want my husband to have to deal with this wife. And, I'm not chocking back tears anymore. I just need to curl up in a ball and have no one to comfort me. I don't want anyone to know I'm crying. I just want silence.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I sent you a PM but I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. It's just too overwhelming sometimes isn't it? And you are not stupid, not at all.

Hi sweetie, I am thinking of you and I hope you feel better. I think you will feel better after you get some sleep.

Please don't fret too much about the junk food binge....it is doubtful you will gain any weight from one binge.

Seroquel was weight-neutral for me. My pdoc won't prescribe Zyprexa to any of his patients because of weight gain side-effects. You aren't stupid at all.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by cashart10

. I can't take it. I kind of hate my life. I kind of can't take the ups and downs anymore. It's too hard. I kind of hate how sick I get and how it seems I never get better. I kind of hate how big of a burden I am on my family. I just want to be better. I don't want to live like this anymore. :

This is so much how I feel. Next weekend my cousin is getting married. I'm supposed to go to the ceremony and then watch my nieces in a hotel while my sister and BIL go to the reception.

I'm now realizing I may not be able to do that. I may be locked up, I may not be well enough to go to the wedding.

I just feel like I'm no good to anyone.

I am just so tired. Of everything.

So you have my great empathy.

[Sinking Feeling]

I don't understand why pdocs are so reluctant to prescribe benzos, specially the new one's just coming off being residents. I have been off and on benzos for over 15 years. When ever the concerns are brought up to me with a pdoc I remind them that. If I was to become addicted to them or dependent on them, it's a little late in the game now to change. I'm 60 years old and have to go thru this crap every time I get a new pdoc.

When I can't get benzos I prefer hydroxyzine which is a decent antihistamine, and alcohol or any other drug I can get to self medicate. Nothing controls my anxiety and rage better then benzos. They also perk me up. I don't feel sedated on them like I do on all the "safer" alternatives.

What happen? Any pdocs out there? I remember you guys welcomed benzos with open arms because they are 100% safer then barbiturates. What changed?

[Wander]

Sounds like the depression is kicking in. An awful feeling. Stay safe and know that you are loved. Big hugs

[wildflowerchild25]

I'm sorry you're feeling down cash. I hope it gets better for you soon.

[elevatedsoul]

this too shall pass right?
sorry you're feeling bad, but thats the nature of bipolar right?
we have to ride the crazy rollercoaster up and down, all around, and seemingly we're not allowed to get off this ride

[Blue_Bird]

Have you heard of Invega?

It's an Atypical Antipsychotic mainly for schizoaffective disorder but it can be used for Bipolar alone too.

I haven't had weight gain on it and I've been on Invega Sustenna (the monthly injection) for a year now.

Maybe something to bring up to your pdoc.

Good luck

[Victoria'smom]

do you feel better this morning?

[cashart10]

Thanks for checking on me! I feel very, very tired. My nephew is here and we spent some time as a family this morning...that was nice. But now, I just have to take a nap and I never want to wake up.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Naps are good sometimes. when do you see t? Sorry you're hurting

[~Christina]

I'm sorry you hit the Bipolar wall

[Victoria'smom]

Hope the nap does you well.

[raspberrytorte]

Don't feel sad, cash. We all love you.

I have felt similiar things.

It sucks your new pdoc won't prescribe benzos... BUT I'm on seroquel, and during the day if I'm freaking out I'll take 50mg, and it works very similiar to one. It actually works better sometimes. And my weight gain seems to have leveled off at 125.

Anyway, hugs.

And I plan on having a huge junk food binge tonight. lol

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

Naps are good sometimes. when do you see t? Sorry you're hurting

Thank you. I don't know if I told you guys this or not but I saw a new t and I liked her but she failed in comparison to my current t. I cried. I called to see if I could see a different t and I see her for the first time Wed morning. Hopefully I make a similar connection with her. I also see my current t (for the last time ) Tues night.

[cashart10]

I know all of you say I'm not a stupid girl but I really feel like a stupid girl. Whether I am depressed or not I said it would never again be so. I feel so embarrassed I could cry. I am a ridiculous human being.

Fuel - "Shimmer"

She calls me from the cold
Just when I was low, feeling short of stable
And all that she intends
And all she keeps inside, isn't on the label
She says she's ashamed
And can she take me for awhile?
And can I be a friend, we'll forget the past
But maybe I'm not able
And I break at the bend

[Chorus]
We're here and now, but will we ever be again
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again

She dreams a champagne dream
Strawberry surprise, pink linen and white paper
Lavender and cream
Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her
She says that love is for fools who fall behind
And I'm somewhere in between
I never really know
A killer from a savior
'Til I break at the bend

[chorus]

It's too far away for me to hold
It's too far away...
Guess I'll let it go

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I'm sorry you're feeling down cash. I hope it gets better for you soon.

I can't believe you took time out of your day to comment. All of my love to you!

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Have you heard of Invega?

It's an Atypical Antipsychotic mainly for schizoaffective disorder but it can be used for Bipolar alone too.

I haven't had weight gain on it and I've been on Invega Sustenna (the monthly injection) for a year now.

Maybe something to bring up to your pdoc.

Good luck

I will certainly ask about it. Thank you!

[jacky8807]

im sorry . i know what you are going through. I hope you find a way to make it pass quickly

:throb

[HALLIEBETH87]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Thank you. I don't know if I told you guys this or not but I saw a new t and I liked her but she failed in comparison to my current t. I cried. I called to see if I could see a different t and I see her for the first time Wed morning. Hopefully I make a similar connection with her. I also see my current t (for the last time ) Tues night.

Be optimistic!!!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

[QUOTE=cashart10;4473402]I know all of you say I'm not a stupid girl but I really feel like a stupid girl. Whether I am depressed or not I said it would never again be so. I feel so embarrassed I could cry. I am a ridiculous human being.

I bet there is not one person on this board who hasn't said it would never happen again. Probably multiple times.

I like the song.

[cashart10]

I spent all of our vacation money, my husband says, on worthless things. Spent $55 more tonight after returning a dress to my favorite store. I watched filthy pornography on a fairly regular basis. I talked like someone high on drugs who also happened to be a prostitute. I irritated, annoyed, and hurt so many people with my constant chatter and my frequent wretched words. I have a stockpile of insanity I have apparently used for everyday embarrassments. I tend to lose my resiliency with every such episode. I am a lunatic who was made for torment.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

You are kind, loving, a good mama, a strong fighter against an ugly illness, you cut up your credit card to stop spending money, you try to keep peace with your husband when that's a difficult situation. You're supportive of everyone on this board. You've worked very hard to get new care providers lined up and advocated for yourself to find a therapist you fit with better. You've been honest with your providers even when you were worried that you would be hospitalized. You are a good person.

I can't be a friend to anyone. I get angry at random strangers and let them see it over totally random things that aren't their fault. I am unable to trust people. I've never had a relationship and I'm 39 years old. I live mostly like a hermit. I rely on my mom for cheap rent and the ability to reduce my rent if I have a hard month. She also is the only way I get meat and sometimes the only way I get a healthy meal. I drive when I'm too tired to do it. I love my nieces but dread babysitting for about 4 hours on Saturday. I'm unreliable when people ask me to help with things. I avoid family events and have convinced myself most of my family (extended) hates me or looks down on me. I gave up on various parts of sleep hygiene years ago because it doesn't work even though I know it might work sometime. I spend way too much time on the internet. I don't push myself hard enough to do housework unless I'm manic and have to keep busy. I have to take klonopin to handle family events. I wasted an expensive and hard-earned education because I couldn't work with bipolar. I rely on charity for meds, medical care, rent, and student loan forgiveness. I eat too much junk food when I feel bad even though I know that I need to stick to fruits and veggies. I can't remember anything. I never sent my aunt a sympathy card when my uncle died in January. Even my brother with impaired social skills did that. (I hope my social skills are better than his anyway). I rely on my mom for way too much help. Do you want me to continue?

[cashart10]

Thank you and of course I don't want you to go on. None of that stuff makes up who you are. You are a beautiful, kind, and intelligent friend who knows exactly what to say to make someone feel better.