[BeyondtheRainbow]

Last night was really bad. I couldn't settle down and it was starting to be daylight so I took my first 1/2 dose of valium just to stop moving around so much. (Usually I take it when I start to relax and the other half when I start to get sleepy. Weird but it works and the whole dose at once doesn't). So I went to sleep within the next 30 minutes or so and apparently took the sleepy dose then (which helps me stay asleep for a few hours on a good night). But I was wide awake again at 5 for almost an hour. I finally though "well, I didn't take the bedtime dose so I'll take that and maybe I'll get some sleep".

Unfortunately that was actually a 3rd dose. But the doses aren't that huge so they won't hurt me and once isn't a big deal. However the end result was the very sedated sleep that we've been trying to get for months. I woke up around 11 and couldn't even focus my eyes. So my accident turned into more sleep than I've had in 5 months. I am still groggy and weird feeling. And the mania was right there waiting for me once I'd been awake a while. But it feels so much more manageable today. I'm ever hungry, really, truly hungry and I haven't been that much for a long time either.

My next big step will be can I sleep at night after sleeping longer into the day. Hope so because some busy days start now. I have a haircut tomorrow morning (and that was a manic mistake; someone smokes in the salon in the mornings and with asthma it's kind of dangerous to go there before afternoon--but the person I want to cut my hair is only there in the morning so I'll just have to speak up if it is smoky. Or start using my inhaler.... Thursday I have therapy again. Friday right now I don't know of anything and Saturday I'm going to a wedding ceremony and then taking my nieces to my aunt's house to play so their parent's can go to the reception. I know that's not at all busy to those of you who work and have kids but for me staying at home during these bad times reduces my symptoms and so doing anything out of the house is a big deal.

[CANDC]

Beyond the Rainbow. Sorry you are having issues with sleeping. Enough sleep is important to staying stable.

The asthma is a problem. I go to supercuts and they do not allow smoking.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I don't think it is even legal for the person to smoke where I go but it is the owner. If it is smoky I'll complain and tell them I have asthma and can't be in a smoky room and I'll leave if I have to. My asthma has been bad the last week from pollen and I'm not going to risk a big attack. I also will complain to the health dept. or something if it is smoky because I should be able to get a haircut without needing an inhaler.

We don't have a lot of places here and this place has someone good at cutting curly hair so I keep going back. My hair is really hard to cut well and I've had some really bad experiences in the past that keep me wary. One place they didn't bother to put conditioner in my hair before combing/cutting and then she was mad because it was tangled and she'd yank hair out going through the tangles. It hurt so much that I was near tears. I sent to a place for a very long time that was wonderful but when I moved here I at first thought I'd just keep going there but it just feels too far to drive for a haircut. This place is great and has really good prices, it's just smoky and sometimes they burn incense to cover the smoke and that makes it even worse for my breathing. But hopefully I'll get there and it will be good. I really want this haircut before the wedding Saturday but I will forget it if I'm not going to be able to breathe.

[Shadesofdark]

You sound like you are starting to get a bit anxious.
I hope you get out (good thing), it's smoke free (good thing), you get a good haircut (good thing), and you have a real good time at the wedding (good thing).

[BeyondtheRainbow]

This week is making me anxious. It's a lot of being out of my house and interacting with people and that's really draining right now. Well, draining is the wrong word since when I have been out is when I turn around and am most manic and often sleep the least.

I think my accidental extra dose of meds last night and the sleep and grogginess that made today a day I did nothing more than put the dishes I used in the dishwasher really just made me realize how much more tired I am than I knew and I knew I was tired. I so wish I could justify making the same mistake a few more times, but of course I can't. And I know that I need to solve this problem with other meds, not benzos, so I don't really want to ask to crank those up any for 5 more days until I see my pdoc and we can discuss options.

The most anxiety is there. If she's managed to get samples I'll start Latuda. If she hasn't I can't wait any longer and will start something else. I have no idea what. I assume an older AP since I'm having psychotic symptoms on a ton of Seroquel. I'm scared of what med it will be and what it will do to me. I feel like I've gained as much weight as I should. That makes Haldol attractive but I'm at higher risk for tardive dykinesia because of other reactions to APs and so I'm not sure that one will be allowed since it is higher risk that some of the others she has mentioned.

I want desperately to get started on something else, I just wish I knew what it was going to be. And that all the interacting with people this week were over. I'm only going to the wedding, not the reception, so that helps a lot with that. But it's still a big week for me and then I have Sunday at home and Monday is my huge day for the month, the day I see my therapist, drive another hour and a half to the psychiatrist, then drive 2.5 hours home. I'm inevitably completely exhausted and usually have a migraine after that trip. But it's better to do it all in one day.

I just want to get through the next week and after next Wednesday I maybe can relax a bit. My therapist is going on vacation after next Wednesday so I have 10 days without therapy unless he decided I need to see someone else for safety. I'm hoping it is just the right amount of time to adjust to my new med, whatever that is.

This month just feels like it is flying and there is suddenly too much to do.

But it will all pass i'm sure. Mania tends to make time very distorted for me and so I lose track of it right now (which is worrying my therapist) and that makes the concept of tomorrow, Thursday, Saturday all a little fuzzy. My therapist thinks this is more psychosis and the part he finds most worrisome.

I think I'm going to ask him to email my pdoc before my appointment. Hopefully he can do that in a short time frame; he's been sick and busy with things for a couple weeks so hopefully he's feeling up to it. I hate asking him to do that in his free time because he donates his time to me already but I think the back-up would be good.

Too much on my mind obviously........

[Shadesofdark]

How did the haircut go? Or did it go at all?

[BeyondtheRainbow]

It went. The person who smokes was there but surprisingly there was no smoke. Which was good because my asthma is really unahppy today. I got in and out really fast (I have no idea if this haircut is good at all since it went right into a ponytail and she cut it mostly dry (I've never had anyone do it the way she did before) so I'm a little anxious since I seem to have lost a lot of length and I didn't want that but I'll know more soon when I comb it wet from the shower. It was so humid today that it may have just felt short from being extra curly.

I'm glad that is over. Because I've had so many bad haircuts from people who aren't good with curly hair I get pretty anxious any time someone I don't trust/know does it. Hopefully I wind up with a good verdict. Or it will only take a year or two to grow back out...

[Shadesofdark]

'It went' is a good thing. That's one out of three. Hopefully the hair looks good, remember sometimes change works, and move on to the wedding. No reception sounds doable. And then its the docs for med changes and therapy. One down two to go is a lot better then the stress from the haircut adding to things. I hope things work out for you, I know its a lot of things in a short time, but at least one of the things is done now.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thank you. That put things in perspective in a good way. Therapy is going to be harder tomorrow just because we're going to be talking about suicide and that I realized no matter what I want I am stuck here because I have a niece who is now old enough to understand and who would be devastated by losing her aunt. Which hasn't been an easy idea to adjust to because it takes away my "out" if it gets too hard. But at least it can't land me in the hospital very easily.

The wedding should be fine. It's just a quick ceremony and the reception is 3 hours so I'll just be watching my nieces that long and I'm doing it at my aunt's and she's set up for kids that age so it should be fine. It sounds like my mom and aunt will be there for some of the time as well so I won't even have to be responsible the whole time and once my mom is there the little one will want her and not me. (She's funny. I'm great unless my mom is there in which case she'd prefer to just not have to put up with her aunt.)

The hair is ok. She did take about 2 inches off but that was probably needed; I put off getting it cut for a long time. It still can be braided for night and that's in some ways my biggest concern; I can make it behave as long as it's not way shorter than it is during the day but at night it needs to pull into a braid or it annoys me. So glad that is done.

[boogiesmash]

Rainbow. Try to enjoy yourself at the wedding and with the kids ! Btw I took a knolopin because I was feeling anxious and wanted to head to the gym, I forgot I took one already layed down 6 hours later I notice it is dark time oops lol.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I will. My nieces are the best thing I've got in my life. I'm so glad that they'll get to go to the wedding and see the bride and all that is magical when you are almost 5 but then will retreat with me and let their parents have time alone together than they've barely ever had in 5 years of always having a nursing baby. I'm looking forward to that part.