[BeyondtheRainbow]

For weeks I have felt like I was being pulled apart by my mixed symptoms. Mania is at my head and depression my toes and both are pulling as hard as they can. And it turns out that I've become completely unable to communicate how I feel.

My mania is dysphoric (it always is) and this time I've been more bothered by the mania. So I've been talking about mania in therapy and trying to deal with it. And when I talked to my therapist today it turns out that it is more that I'm not equally describing the dysphoria and so I think he has been hearing "mania" and seeing "exhausted and more depressed with some manic symptoms". He knows that I have a lot of trouble expressing myself when it gets bad and that I tend to try to cover up manic symptoms even when I'll talk about them. I'll also cover up bad depression and I've been covering both ends lately I think.

I need to talk more about this. Of course it didn't come up until the end of my session and I didn't fully hear what he said about it. I know that he was saying it was ok but not hearing the specifics of what he said I am now unable to quit worrying that he thinks I've been making this up. Which is not the case, wouldn't make sense and this isn't the first time this has happened.

But I feel so stupid. I have to wait for Monday to fix it and now I am really needing to hear that I'm not faking. (This is a problem I've had for a long time. I wasn't allowed to complain as a kid and didn't learn how to tell someone something was wrong until I was 35 and my family dr has worked with me on teaching me). I now feel plenty depressed although I'm now getting nice and agitated so sleep will be interesting.

It's not good that the more I need to communicate the worse I am at it. I barely got myself to a hospital when I was ready to act on a suicide plan because I was covering how I was feeling successfully enough that nobody guessed. Now there is a lot less leniency and I wouldn't get away with that as easily but confused reporting apparently is still quite possible.

I want to hide somewhere for a long time until I feel better and know how to get the right words out of my mouth.

[Crazy Hitch]

(((BeyondTheRainbow))) you are far from stupid like you said you are.

You are unwell.

You're in the midst of an episode and yes, like you say, sometimes it is really hard to get the right words out of our mouths.

You sound very much like me when I am dysphoric, just by me reading through what you have written.

I've currently got aggitated depression and have had it for erm about a week - actually more than a week come to think of it. Well its that or super ultra cycling (which I don't think) but I'm like one minute highly angry to the point of rage and irratable, to just crying the next.

Sigh.

May we both find stability soon.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thanks Hooligan. I keep re-reading what I sent to a friend earlier tonight. He didn't answer yet but it sounds so manic I doubt he will be able to follow to answer. I have a serious problem with not trusting myself and assuming people think I'm faking when I know perfectly well that he has used me as an example of someone he has seen cycle in the course of a session, he has known me for 9 years and knows I don't make things up and he has been telling me I'm very sick for a few weeks. He also knows if I'm covering things up that I'm in the most danger. I'm just so confused.

I think this was mood charting gone wrong. I was calling agitated manic and not agitated depressed when I have agitated depression too and that wasn't getting tracked. I believe this method failed because I looked manic and believed I was manic when I should have been more focused on the mixed stuff. It's so hard to sort out with dysphoria. I said I'd mood chart for a month. That's up Monday and after I cry to both drs about how I screwed it up I will do it again only if someone tells me how to do it that doesn't cause the same problem. I've been so proud of myself doing it because it is something I hate and I think instead it created a problem. I sure wasn't in the middle so I wasn't going there but I don't think I did it the way they envision. My program lets me re-name the moods and I think I'm going to have my therapist help me do that so that I can try again and not fall into the same trap. I just know that since I left his office I've been way down and tearful.

I'm glad to see you back. I missed seeing you the last week or so.

[Crazy Hitch]

Yes I battle to trust my impulses especially when I'm manic because by nature I'm going to be pretty impulsive as time has taught me a million times over to be true, for me, personally.