I have a goal.

So much for pushing my way through ****... I only got three hours of sleep last night, had a morning bawl, and called in sick for work to have a "mental health" day because I DO NOT feel good today.

Fail.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so bad. I'm glad you were able to take a day off to help get things together again.

When do you see the new pdoc?

Awww Hun

The hell of psych meds. I know you hate Seroquel ( with good reason) for right maybe you need to pop up your dose for right now. If you don't sleep half was decent your gong go sideways and then crash .. You sure don't need that right now

Take care of you

A month from now tomorrow.

I don't know why I have to be this way! I can't stop crying! It's pathetic.

I have a wonderful life. A loving husband, beautiful daughter, okay job, I've been making some writing progress... Finances could better, but they're not terrible.

It's like the only thing wrong with my life is me.

I'm right there with you sister and it is terrible. My eyes are so heavy and tired from crying. I am so sorry! If it helps, the new clinic I'm going to try, the one with the potential new pdoc, also does not allow benzos which I also hate because they are SO good in emergencies (especially panic). It worries me. What will I do? I can appreciate how you are feeling. You should give yourself a break. You are going through a lot mentally and you have no pdoc for assisstance. Anyone would be broken in that situation. I hope you are feeling better soon!

I'm worried about what I'm going to do too! Especially since I've been having all of these paranoia attacks lately and it's the only thing that helps! And the whole weaning thing... I'm so stressed about that (know I've said that a million times). I already feel like **** and am depressed, and on top of that I'm going to have to go through clonazepam withdrawal? Fan-****ing-tastic.

I just hate this.

Thanks for being so nice and understanding.

Would your family dr be willing to help you out while you are without a pdoc? Mine helped me with psych meds (within what he felt comfortable with) when my pdoc was out for surgery and there was confusion when I left the hospital newly on an MAOI that resulted in no follow-up being set up somehow until she was back in a month. He was willing to adjust doses a bit and prescribed additional anxiety meds when I needed them. When I got really sick and the medication in my MAOI patch concentrated because I was dehydrated and I got a rash all over from the patch he was not comfortable continuing use of the patch. Fortunately my pdoc started back to work just in time to save me.

Oh Raspberry!!!!!!!

Dude I have soooooo been there. Omg the crying while trying to get to a kids music class. The feeling of complete oh I don't even know what it is but it is like fighting through something to get to anything.

Once I was there but it was the beginning of an episode so it caught me off guard. I was trying to take my kids to a music class and I don't have to describe to you how awful it was trying to get there. I along gave up and lied on the floor about five times. We made it. We were late. I felt overpowered by the crazy and as I got out of the car I was crying shaking and freaking the **** out. Not panic but manic. Manic panic or whatever the ****. It was horrendous I could not even find or hold a thought in my head. I was lost drowning. My friend tried to calm me down but she was scared. I felt trapped in the parking lot because I became too panicked to drive. I was sure I'd crash. Both because of paranoia and because my cognition had gone to ****. Ultimately. I somehow pulled it together and drove to a close nearby park where I sat on a hill in the sunshine and watched individual leaves twirl down from the trees and felt blissed out magical mania. ****ing mixed ****.

So short story long I get it.

I think those benzo *****es need a good talking to. Have THEY ever tried having a torturous mixedish episode hell without THEIR benzos. I bet not.

I bet not.

Hahaha I'm dying laughing raspberry - "This is not a cab my friend, I assure you."

Okay I will sort out the benzos and you can do the bunjee jump

I think we'll try this party trick after the bunjee jump

I don't think she'd feel comfortable helping me. When I told her I have bipolar disorder her eyes got really wide and she said, "We need to get you into psychiatric. NOW!"

I feel like when I tell people I have bipolar they get scared. After my daughter was born and I had PPD, I went in about two weeks after she was born to talk to my OB/GYN because I was so stressed out I had hives, and I didn't think that was normal, and she looked over my chart, noticed the bipolar thing, her eyes got really wide, and she said, "You need to go inpatient. NOW!."

Jeez.

I guess I could call my GP and ask. I think she'd just want to put me on an AD though.

I don't know why people get so scared.

I mean, I'm not going to grow claws and lunge at them or something. Lol.

It's so good your friend was there to help you and you weren't alone!

The thought of sitting on a hill in the sunshine and watching leaves fall off of trees sounds amazing to me right now. I would love to do that.

Hell, has this new doctor I'm seeing ever even been DEPRESSED. Probably not! And I bet she doesn't have anxiety either. AND I bet she's never been manic psychotic, so what the **** does she know. Seriously! Does she know what a paranoia attack feels like? When you're too terrified to even move?

Oh well. If she ****s me up and I end up inpatient because of her, at least I'll be able to request a different doctor.