[cashart10]

On Sunday afternoon, the mother of my best friend from high school (who I've kept only limited contact with since)

Possible trigger:

committed suicide.

I spent weekend after weekend and summer day after summer day with both of them. I only smoked pot a few times in my lifetime but the first time was when I was 14 and it was with my then best friend and her mom. Some may think that is terribly wrong but her mom was a hippie to the max. She lived off the land and taught her children to do the same. She was a mystic and a little on the odd but very fun side. Her youngest daughter (of 4 kids, my friend being the oldest) who is only 11 or 12 years old is who found her. She was in her mid to late 50's. It is a devastating situation.

I was just telling my therapist last week that I feel so depressed but for some reason not suicidal, as it typical of me. Now that this has happened, I have a different perspective on suicide. It makes me want to live. I hope if nothing else I will hold onto that perspective.

I remember I once dated this creep (freshman year) who I stopped talking to abruptly. I left him guessing and assuming. I know that was wrong of me but I realized at that point that he was a creep and I was very, very sick. Well, when I was a sophomore, I had to drop out of school due to my illness. He called me out of the blue that summer and told me that the rumor was that I had tried to commit suicide. It was false. I never tried to commit suicide; I wanted to then too but never tried. I was just too sick for school so I was home schooled by a home hospital program. Anyway, that asshole told me that if I was going to commit suicide to let him know because he had never seen anyone kill themselves and he would like to watch. He was entirely serious, callous, and apathetic. It was probably most harrowing and memorable conversations I have ever had

Possible trigger:

For some reason her death reminded me of that time, that time someone made me feel insignificant and defiled at the prospect of my own suicide. I am heartbroken for my friend who never saw this coming. She lives in Hawaii and was in KY to visit family and friends. She was scheduled to fly home on Monday but now has to stay home to make arrangements for her mother. All of the arrangements fall on her. Her mom left no note, there was no incident that led up to this. They are perplexed. It is very sad.

[Wander]

I am sorry for your loss and especially for your friend. It is always a massive shock when someone you know dies, and more so if in that way. Because of my history of attempts I am always deeply affected so I understand how it must be affecting you. I am glad it is making you feel more like you want to live. That is a very good sign. Still, it must be tough for you and I hope you find comfort and peace in the coming days.

[Crazy Hitch]

That's not nice news.

I'm sorry to hear that.

We're all here for you.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm sorry that this happened, both for your friend and for you. I'm sorry it is bringing back painful (and horrifying) memories. I hope that you are able to find strength to get through this and please have your resources (crisis numbers, suicide hotline, friends) readily accessible if you need them. Being depressed this has to be a really hard time.

Please take care of yourself.

[cashart10]

Thank you very much. It is just a very, very sad situation. I can't even cry tonight because I told my daughter she could stay awake and she stil is awake. Sometimes I just wish life could be a little easier.

Sad situation. Makes one appreciate life? I had a neighbor teenager that committed suicide a few years ago. Horrible thing.

[Chickenkicker]

Unless a note shows itself, no one will ever know what happened with any kind of certainty. And really, does it matter? I overanalyzed the hell out of things until something popped into my head one day. I remembered kneeling down in the playground at Our Lady Of Perpetual Guilt with two other boys in our salt and pepper corduroys. I had a magnifying glass swung out of its leather slipcase, and was trying to focus the sun's beam on a piece of paper. Finally the paper briefly smoked, the spot turned black and a flame briefly appeared.

I equated my overthinking to that magnifying glass. If I kept focusing and fixating my attention on things I could do nothing about or would never have an answer to, I would set my brain on fire. I had to learn to let go, and after convincing myself that it meant no disrespect to the person who had passed for whatever reason for me to go on living my life, I did.

I hope you can make peace with this situation soon. Its natural and automatic to go to darker places when this kind of heartache visits (my bestie tipped over six weeks ago at breakfast), but we have to shake it off and get back to kids...jobs...relationships...dreams and living life. It does the people that depend on us and our minds no good to expend energy on the unchangeable, or let it smolder in negativity.