[CopperStar]

I'm exhausted but I'm not. My body is exhausted but my brain is whirring. My body is starting to straight up hurt. It is beat. I feel to exhausted to do hardly anything. I want to go outside and have a cigarette but I feel like I can barely even move or I am going to physically just blow up like a bomb. Even though I can tell I'm physically exhausted and my body is aching and heavy, it's like my limbs are super charged with this angry electricity. It feels like I can feel my cells and they are on fire. I feel like I could scream, but I'm too tired to scream. I can feel myself laughing, but my face isn't actually moving, I think it's just flat. My brain is giving me imagery of what my body is doing, I think. I keep getting these intrusive image thoughts of just exploding or being tossed around like a ragdoll in a gory, violent mess. But I'm actually just slumped onto the floor like a sack of potatoes.

This has to be the most ridiculous type of energy or feeling I ever get in my life. It's so paradoxical and just ridiculous.

Anyone else get this sort of thing? I am seriously just exploding everywhere but the real world scene is just me doing absolutely nothing because I feel heavy as hell.

[Crazy Hitch]

Yeah, when I've had mania that has gone on for too long .... it honestly does feel exhausting .....

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by Hooligan

Yeah, when I've had mania that has gone on for too long .... it honestly does feel exhausting .....

It's just so ******. Whenever I have ever read about mania I read about people who are euphoric and getting lots of things done. I never get that sort of thing. My body just gets extremely restless and angry. Such shenanigans.

[wildflowerchild25]

Yes I've gotten that. After I've been losing sleep for a few days. My head shows me lots of images of me screaming or hitting things or throwing things but I'm usually just sitting still.

It is very strange. And uncomfortable. I have to use my distress tolerance skills when that feeling takes over. Take a hot shower, use soothing soaps, hold ice if I have to, etc.

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Yes I've gotten that. After I've been losing sleep for a few days. My head shows me lots of images of me screaming or hitting things or throwing things but I'm usually just sitting still.

It is very strange. And uncomfortable. I have to use my distress tolerance skills when that feeling takes over. Take a hot shower, use soothing soaps, hold ice if I have to, etc.

I am going to try that. I am going to have a cigarette and hold some ice in my other hand. I don't even know why but it sounds nice right now. I just wish I could convey this to my pdoc. We are choosing a med to start with in about a week and I feel like she doesn't really understand because I don't actually scream and smash things. I sit there and speak in a disoriented manner with my lands folded and try to explain that inside my head and inside my body it's a furious war zone but it doesn't show. And I can't let it show because then I can't stop it. If I let myself start to lose it I can't stop. I need her to just believe me and not make me prove it. Such massive UGH.

[raspberrytorte]

I have never experienced anything like what you describe, but it sounds really uncomfortable. Are you feeling any better?

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

I have never experienced anything like what you describe, but it sounds really uncomfortable. Are you feeling any better?

I feel like I am cracking the **** up. My mother is downstairs and her face just looks so messed up. Her smile is so creepy she looks like an evil clown or some ****. Her voice is so sing-song and condescending and it makes me feel nuts. Everything is just irritating. The leaves on the trees outside are to bright and pointy. Crackin up. I told my pdoc this was happening when I saw her a week ago and I don't see her again to start a medication until the beginning of July. This is so ridiculous. If I didn't have this Xanax that I'm not even supposed to have because it's not my prescription I would probably be a demented squirrel by the end of this week. My pdoc told me I shouldn't do that that I shouldn't take Xanax given to me by other people but what does she think would be better breaking all the windows in the house. Good grief.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Sounds dysphoric alright. Have you said "I feel dysphoric but cover it well?". My pdoc knows that she isn't often going to see what my therapist does and so my therapist lets her know if he thinks it is necessary. I also go with written notes and give examples of how I've been feeling/acting. It still can be hard; this episode I've been dealing with has been my most psychotic ever and my therapist has heard it step by step while my pdoc is hearing stories and not necessarily seeing for herself. So I've had to be sure to tell her about the psychosis even if that day it wasn't a problem.

It helps to have a relationship with your pdoc and that of course takes time to develop. Just do your best and explain what you can and even tell her that you feel like you don't know how to share how things really are with her. I didn't tell my therapist when I was hallucinating in his office.....I also haven't mentioned that yet but sometime I will.

You are being diligent with the med information; that will give a positive impression. It will be ok.

[CopperStar]

Well making that last post made me remember that I have the Xanax so I took some. All the anger in my body went away. Just sat outside watching the trees slowly morph for a while. The neighbor's house seemed huge. It's funny how nothing really looks different, I just perceive it so different. Now I'm gonna go make some macaroni and cheese.

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

Well making that last post made me remember that I have the Xanax so I took some. All the anger in my body went away. Just sat outside watching the trees slowly morph for a while. The neighbor's house seemed huge. It's funny how nothing really looks different, I just perceive it so different. Now I'm gonna go make some macaroni and cheese.

Happy you're feeling a little better, and that the xanax is helping you, and it's good that you know you're just perceiving things as looking different. I hope you continue feeling better.

Taking a couple xanax bars and sitting outside relaxing seems so nice to me right now. Sigh. I probably shouldn't have said that.