[hadouken81]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum for it, but if it is, I'm looking for insight.

We started out amazing. For about the first four months, we may as well have been married. Literally, from day one, we were completely in sync and had almost no issues whatsoever. Anyway, a little after a month in, she told me she suffered from bipolar with mania and depression. She said her bipolar episodes had been serious in the past, to the point where she had to cut off from work and things like that when she went manic. But she said she was on decent meds now and we should be fine as long as she takes them. I told her I’d be there for her no matter what.

About two months in, she suffered from a depression episode. We were out hiking with some friends of mine and she straight-up shut down. While everyone was walking and talking, she put her headphones in, stayed in the back, and ignored everyone. We talked when we were in the car and she said that she doesn’t believe her meds were working as well anymore. The episode lasted for a little over a week with similar behavior (lots of crying for seemingly no reason and whatnot) and I just made sure there whenever she needed me to be, even when she would tell me to stop wasting my time and go home. She booked an appointment with a new therapist so she could get new meds, but it was going to take a couple of months.

After the episode was over, we were fine again for about another month or so. Then my work/school schedule got super-busy for a month and I went from seeing her literally every day to about once a week (if that). It was rough, but she’d just been through a similar experience with school before we’d met, so she was fine with me taking the time to get my stuff done. However, it was a different story when I got back to having some free time to see her. The first couple of days that we hung out at her apartment, she started getting somewhat annoyed. She mentioned it jokingly, but started saying how she forgot what it was like to be alone in her apartment. She stated that it may be some mental/emotional state that she hadn’t experienced before. She finally got the therapist appointment she’d been wanting since that second month right around this time and was starting new meds (some still the same). For about three weeks, I noticed strange changes in her behavior (crazy unhealthy dieting, random outbursts directed at me, and going out to get trashed to the point of passing out with her only friend), but I didn’t really connect the dots to see these as any possible symptoms and just took them as they were. After those first three weeks back from the super-busy period, she really started to become distant. I believed a chunk of this was the stressful situation she was having finding a new job. She wasn’t able to land a job where we live with her specific degree, so had to start looking elsewhere. We had a really emotional night when she told me that and I told her I’d move to wherever she goes, but was very distant afterwards. She had an outburst (albeit a semi-drunken one) when we were on a train a few days later, told me she wanted to confess that she’d started smoking again and then started yelling about how she needed space from everyone (specifically saying not just from me). She said she didn’t know if the real her was the one who wanted me at her apartment everyday or the one who wants to be alone in her apartment almost all the time. Anyway, about a week later, we took a trip to see her family out West and she was completely distant to me on the airplane there and back, as well all the times that we were specifically alone. I would try to do things like hold her hand or kiss her or even say something to her and she would be more drawn back. I figured this was some sort of symptom of the depression and that she was trying to be social because she hadn’t seen her family in a while. The night we get back, I hug her and tell her I hate that we have to be this distant, but I understand.

So the day after we get back, she breaks up with me (about two weeks prior to writing this post). She told me she’d been falling out of love with me for six weeks and that I’d made her feel like a second-class citizen (that line will remain a scar). She cited issues that were very clear we could have talked about them (or that were very minor; at one point, it felt like she was trying to find a reason to break up) and while I did protest, I ended up leaving because she seemed so dead-set on having us break up. Immediately after the conversation (I still hadn’t connected the dots yet), I wrote her an apology letter for everything she cited. I finally connect the dots in the last paragraph over the following week and then go back over to her place to check on her. I tried to bring up the bipolar thing by talking about some of the symptoms she was exhibiting and talking about some of her medication and therapy, but she just kept brushing them off and saying she’s fine and more stable than she’s ever been, mainly because she’s been fine at work and if she were in a manic episode, she wouldn’t be able to work. This was right after she told me she’d been eating about 400 calories a day.

I don’t think she’s in a full manic state or anything, 1) because I’m not a psychologist and 2) because yea, she wouldn’t even be able to go to work. But I think she’s headed toward a fall. All information as it stands: she started new meds and a new therapist last month, she’s more stressed out than she ever has been before, is literally starving herself, had an impromptu breakup with me (if I made you feel like a second-class citizen, she’d be mad or at least ignore me or want me out of your life, not wanting to save and send her family pictures of her and I out West and saying we should be posting them to social media), and was exhibiting some fairly strange behavior over the last month and a half. This last time that I saw her, she said she doesn’t want to work on our relationship because of the transition to a job in another place and came to the conclusion that we’re too different, because I’m extroverted and she’s introverted (even though we spent four months talking about how we’re practically the same person). So in summary, I have no freaking clue what to do other than just get over it. However, still worried about her mental state given all the strange behavior. Anything I can do on that front?

And can you see how this makes the breakup harder for me? If it were over something straight-lined that we talked about that her or I did and we clearly weren’t getting along, sure. But the reasons she gave (not for nothing, but things I were actively focused on in the relationship and nothing we’d even had more than a passing comment on) along with all of this strangeness just kind of leaves me hanging out in space.

[Crazy Hitch]

Just wanted to say hi and Welcome to PsychCentral.

I'm sorry I don't have time to read through all of this now (it is just a littleeeeeee bit long ), hopefully at some stage I can and give you a response.

There is a Forum - You will get support from those in similar positions as you:

Partners of People & Caregivers Support - Forums at Psych Central

In the meantime I'm sure others will be able to offer some insight into your question.

Take care

[CopperStar]

If she is saying that she is done then you need to move on, treat it just like any other break up. Don't become obsessive, don't get nasty, don't let yourself wallow for too long. Etc.

People with bipolar disorder are still people. We still fall in and out of love. We can still date someone for X months but it's just not meant to be. Sometimes we end relationships for reasons that are perfectly valid enough. Sometimes we fall for someone and it has absolutely nothing to do with our mental illness.

By blaming all of her feelings and her decision on her mental illness, you ARE treating her like a second class citizen. You are patronizing her, invalidating her and ultimately focused on what YOU want and not what she is expressing.

Yes, she clearly has some issues, especially if she is eating 400 calories per day. But arguing with her about her feelings is just. Just no.

Also, be aware that there could be a personality disorder at play such as BPD and that this could be a manipulation issue. Maybe she wants to watch you mentally sweat and struggle to try to 'save' her. Maybe that's why she told she's been eating 400 calories a day. But even if this were true, people with BPD don't manipulate to be "evil". They manipulate because it's one of the only coping methods they know as far as how to not feel vulnerable and try to get their emotional needs met. So even if that were the case, her emotions are still real, the way she feels is real, the thoughts she is having are real.

She does not want to date you right now, possibly never again.

You must respect this, for your own mental and emotional health. Treat it just like any other break up. If you would still want to be friends or leave the door open, let her know that if she wants to reach out sometime in the future, you will respond, but that you're going to take a little time for yourself to heal and move on. Then wish her all the best and do it.

[Pikku Myy]

Hi there She sounds a bit/a lot like me. I need space, quiet space to think sometimes. It does not mean I don't love someone. Huggles