[Nix]

Today is a very dark day and I am not sure where to turn. I feel like I can't breathe or even move.

My husband told me a few weeks ago that he is leaving me. I asked if we could go to counseling, which we've never done, or if I could work on improving anything, but he says no. He wants a divorce, not even a separation to work things out.

I have two children who normally stay with me during the day. I don't know if I will be able to keep them with me for financial reasons. I have pretty extreme problems with paranoia and I can't work except for my job a few hours per week (away from people.) Because I want to do whatever work I'm able to do and don't want to quit the job I do have, it doesn't look like I'm a good candidate for SSDI, even though I make under the dollar limit of what they consider.

I tried to apply to a school program for certification training on a job I could do from home, but because I've already completed 2 years, there is only grant money for a 4 year program, which won't help in my current situation.

I'm now looking into trying to learn the material I need for the certification program on my own, which would be a few hundred dollars instead of a few thousand, but it's going to take some time to complete. After that, I would still need to find a job without having experience, or volunteer experience for a while. I don't know if it's worth trying, and I don't know if I'm even able to try.

I can't concentrate and I'm exhausted. I have no energy and I'm sad, and frustrated, and worried. I feel like I can't really believe this is happening, and it's so much all at once that I don't know what to do, or where to start, or where to turn. I think I've exhausted all of my alternatives and I feel really hopeless.

[Capriciousness]

I am so sorry. That is too much to have to deal with. No wonder you feel such darkness. Light and love to you.

[LettinG0]

I am so sorry that you are in such a bad place and going through so much right now. I am sorry that your husband is leaving and that your finances are a problem. Know that I care and am thinking of you!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I am so sorry you are going through so much. It sounds very painful and stressful.

Are you eligible for SSDI? SSI has the income limit, SSDI doesn't. You have to have worked enough quarters in a certain amount of time to get SSDI but when you have it you can work a small amount (it's not even that small).

[CopperStar]

If you enjoy working and education, please don't give up on them. It doesn't always have to be about the end goal. Sometimes it's just about steadily working your way through life and doing things that interest and stimulate you in a comfortable manner. When you feel ready if you want to do this, you should definitely go for it, if it's what you want.

You are also probably grieving, because the loss of a relationship of any kind, let alone a marriage partner, is a significant loss. It's normal to grieve even when a relationship was unhealthy. And then anxiety about keeping your children also makes perfect sense.

But it looks like you are very focused on the future, all of the "what ifs" and worst case scenarios. I think it's very important to focus on yourself in the here and now, what you need right now, whether it's medication help, therapy support and/or other means of being kind and nurturing to yourself. You are not responsible for making sure the future turns out perfectly, nobody is. We can't help it when there are bumps in the road or things we can't control or predict. We're not expected to try to prevent or control all of these things. Life is a bit of wild ride, after all.

My guess is that a good place to start is taking care of you. Relaxing shower, nutritious meal, comfortable clothes. One step at a time. Then consider forms of support that you might need such as medication, therapy, etc. All you will have to do is possibly look some stuff up, and then just make some phone calls. Again just one thing at a time, with no big rush.

You DO have a lot on your shoulders right now. Even if you did not have any mental illness, it would still be a lot to process and cope with, so you definitely deserve support no matter what.

[Nix]

Thank you for your replies… they are helpful to me today as I'm kind of floundering!

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Are you eligible for SSDI? SSI has the income limit, SSDI doesn't.

I am eligible. I have paid in the appropriate amount over the years, and I make under the Substantial Gainful Activity amount. From what I've read, my social limitations also should cause me to qualify. But I spoke with one of those companies that help people get benefits, and they felt that I would lose the case because I am currently working a few hours a week and self employed. I felt like if they have a 96% success rate and won't accept my case, then there's probably not much hope. I think I might apply anyway, just to start somewhere. Then, if I'm denied maybe I could call somewhere again and see if I could get some legal assistance.

Originally Posted by CopperStar

I think it's very important to focus on yourself in the here and now, what you need right now, whether it's medication help, therapy support and/or other means of being kind and nurturing to yourself.

I see what you mean… I guess I'm just worried I'll end up homeless and childless and would like to try to prevent that if possible. Everything ends up being a financial concern, including medication, therapy, etc., although once I'm on my own I'll probably have better health care than I do now, so that's a plus. I feel like I can't really grieve because there is too much to worry about.

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

I'm so sorry about all you are going through! That is a lot of stuff! Do you have a support system outside of your husband? Also, look into different companies that might help you with SSDI. Just because one says it won't work, it doesn't mean others will agree!

Hugs!

[Nix]

I have loving parents who are caring and practically helpful (watching my kids, changing a flat tire, etc.) but there is also some religious disagreement (over whether my problems are caused by demonic forces), so that is highly stressful, and I also get stressed because I'm an adult and I don't want to rely on my parents for too much.

I hadn't thought about checking into other places that help people get disability… maybe that would be something worth looking into.

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

Oh yeah, my mom thinks my problems are because I brought things in my house! What religion are they? Mine is a Jehovah's Witness.

[meganb22]

x a billion.

[Nix]

Originally Posted by Hashi/bipolar mom

What religion are they?

They're really caring people who would do anything they could for me, so I don't really feel right about saying anything rude. I just can't deny that the religious disagreement is stressful, and from my perspective I don't feel like I have a support network in terms of my own emotional struggles.

[cashart10]

I am so sorry for your saddness and your misfortune. I hope things look up for you.

[Lonlin3zz]

Originally Posted by phoenix31

They're really caring people who would do anything they could for me, so I don't really feel right about saying anything rude. I just can't deny that the religious disagreement is stressful, and from my perspective I don't feel like I have a support network in terms of my own emotional struggles.

Look at it in another perspective. If you can see religion in a way that it can increase your wisdom, go ahead. It does not necessarily mean going to church, or things like this. Don't let religious disagreement be something that hampers you, let it support you from the right perspective.

You can be a mature adult now, but Phoenix, did you know?

Whether you're a kid, teenager, adult, middle-age, senior. You will forever be look upon as a child in the eyes of your parents. Being an adult doesn't necessarily mean you have to be fully independent. At times like this, it would be a wise choice to retreat yourself and have your parents to assist you through this phase.

As for emotional support, the best I can do is simply be a listening ear and relate.

If I might have misunderstood somewhere, just let me know, I'll correct myself.