[kingston042389]

Hello, everyone!!! My name is Christian, I'm 26, & I just wanted to reach out to you lovely people who might know a thing or two about bipolar disorder & depression, as I have been suffering from both for a long time now, & it's really f***ing up my life. I know maybe some of you can relate to me, all my friends I have now just look at me like I'm some sort of freak when I talk about what has happened to me in the past & what is going on now. So I know you guys might be more understanding!! Anyways I'll start with some backstory. :-)

When I was a teenager, I would always get so so so depressed & just attend school & then come home and be alone all day. It was horrible! I was put on zoloft at age 15 because I begged my mom to take me to see a psychiatrist, I didn't know what was wrong with me but I felt so incompetent, a failure, I didn't deserve to have friends, and I had no idea why. Well, a few years later when I turned 18, I experienced my first manic episode and was diagnosed with bipolar 1. But for some reason they did not put me on a mood stabilizer, just abilify & wellbrutrin. People would tell me I was nuts all day long & I wouldn't think twice about it, I even went through psychosis and had all these delusions that I even shared with others... Looking back at all of it is just so embarrassing to even think about. I went to community college after HS graduation, and ended up doing just fine and graduating with a Liberal Arts AA degree. I was also working part time at a gas station then, and excelling & loving the feeling that I could accomplish things like a job and be a productive member of society. Flash forward to fall of 2012, I am 23 and working as a bank teller. I had no idea that the worst time of my life was right around the corner. I was really good at that job, loved all my coworkers & my tasks, but one week somehow the mania that i thought would never occur again creeped back up & I ended up handing my bank keys to my boss and telling everyone to go f**k themselves. I felt like I was too good for that job, too good for the world almost I was so manic, and walked out. A day later I was committed to the psych ward & thought it was like some FBI building until I realized where I was the 2nd day. I was in the lock up section because apparently I freaked out when I realized I was in a locked facility. after being manic for the entire stay and learning the "right" things to say to the doctors, I got out after a two week stay. Managed to wreck my car completely sober, spend insane amounts of money on **** I didn't need, and ended up so manic that everything hit the fan. I was only on seroquel at this time. Somehow i ended up on the roof of a 3 story building, called 911 on myself because I didn't know where or what was going on, and somehow ended up off the building and landed on cement 3 stories down. i broke my back, my femur, my hip, and shattered my entire foot. after multiple operations and titanium rods & plates, I can tell u that i have not been manic for over 2 years thanks to Lithium.

My issue & the reason why I'm posting here is to see if you guys have some advice about my crazy embarrassing unfortunate employment issue. So about 2 years ago when I was able to walk without crutches again, I got a job. I stayed for a few days and then I would get this anxious feeling, and thoughts of "Im not good enough, Im probably just gonna fail" and ended up quitting. Repeat this about 15 times up until today's date.. at various types of jobs, sit down processing good paying jobs, really good customer service jobs, every type of job ever and the longest i stayed at one was 4 weeks but the average was probably a few days & I would just not show up. And i regret it instantly & beat myself up for it in my head all day long and just wish i had more energy & a more positive attitude to be able to keep a JOB. Its horrible! I still live with my parents & feel really bad & like a total loser all the time when I cant keep these jobs because normally I'll just wake up before a shift & be so tired & depressed that I just want to go back to bed even though I know the consequences, its like nothing matters to me, i just for some reason cant deal. On Thursday I have an interview for a night auditor position at a hotel, which i think will be great for me if I get it because Im a night owl & so im up around that time anyway, and whenever i make these decisions to quit its always in the early morning when Im not in the right state of mind. Do any of you have trouble staying at jobs? Do you think I suffer from slight depression since I cant get out of bed half the time? The lithium works I just feel sluggish and "blah" half the time. Please comment anything you'd like about any tips you can give me to keep a job. I even write notes to myself at night & tape them to my alarm clock in hopes that that will remind me WHY i cant just stay asleep and need to get up, however last week I forgot and of course sleep through my 3rd day at a super nice place that even paid well.

Thats my story haha Thanks again yall!! :-)

Christian

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central, kingston. I am so sorry you are suffering from bipolar. Glad you are staying on your meds. Some bipolar people feel that a therapist can help also.

I find Psych Central helps me find answers where before there were only questions. There is so much here. It is like a buffet of help, everyone picks what they like the best.

Besides being an active participant in helping oneself at Psych Cental, many people also help support each other by replying to other people's posts. Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems are more manageable the more they help others.

Glad you are joining us here. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[~Christina]

Wow, you have certainly gone through so much, way too much emotional hell and physical injury for such a young age

Working while having bipolar is a struggle for most everyone, It just is part of the joys of Bipolar sadly enough... but its doable.

First you need to have a good Psychiatrist (Pdoc) and Therapist (T). You need to focus on finding your stability, your baseline. Until you can level out its almost impossible to start and new job and be able to handle it.

Often times you can qualify for help locating a job that you would be able to manage and it not cause you major stress that can de-stabilize you.. Often Voc Rehab is a place to start, they can take into consideration your Bipolar but also now any physical limitations you have.

Im so glad you found PC ,You will find support understanding and loads of advice.

Welcome

[jacky8807]

wow you have been through alot!
i have been fired recently after a long time with a company r/t bipolar issues so i am trying to figure it all out myself
but i just wanted to say welcome and good luck

[Crazy Hitch]

May you find some peace through this turmoil.

You're at the right place for support.

Nice to see you here

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Vocational rehab can really help you by helping match you to a job you are able to do and when you have this they can help make modifications that allow you to succeed. It is done with little cost to you; there isn't a cost unless they provide equipment and then it is really a small amount to help you feel invested in the equipment (this is as of doing this 8 years ago or so and in my state). In my case they recommended SSDI. I assume this recommendation helped me years later when I finally did do SSDI. At the time it was suggested I wasn't nearly ready yet but the same agency oversees SSDI applications and voc rehab in this state so it can't have hurt.

It does (again in my experience) take a while to get into the program and things moved somewhat slowly but in my case they had trouble coming up with recommendations beyond educating my employers who completely blew it off.

But it did help. I got a much better view of what I could do and what was hard and how that might be modified and what to look for in future jobs.

Hi kingston042389 !

I have a few thoughts about your concerns.
It is important that you discipline yourself, The terrible "D" word that is contrary to the core nature of bipolars must become a way of life. Self-discipline is the decision to consistently stay a course of action for the purpose of building and maintaining a life. Discipline is always obeying the reason and order of the left brain, instead of acting on the impulses and whims of the emotional and oft-times disorderly right brain. We must not act on impulse inappropriately. .

Above all I think it is important to have a passion for something in life. It all comes down to having a purpose and reason to live. It's not easy for people with our condition to function with consistency; but we must.

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by Indefatigable

Hi kingston042389 !

I have a few thoughts about your concerns.
It is important that you discipline yourself, The terrible "D" word that is contrary to the core nature of bipolars must become a way of life. Self-discipline is the decision to consistently stay a course of action for the purpose of building and maintaining a life. Discipline is always obeying the reason and order of the left brain, instead of acting on the impulses and whims of the emotional and oft-times disorderly right brain. We must not act on impulse inappropriately. .

Above all I think it is important to have a passion for something in life. It all comes down to having a purpose and reason to live. It's not easy for people with our condition to function with consistency; but we must.

I couldn't agree more with what you say about "discipline". It's an art and a skill I'm still learning I simply have not mastered it.

[cmorales]

Hi Christian! (that's my name too!)

Don't feel bad about still living with your parents. You've been through a lot! I'm 30 and I still live with my parents due to employment issues. I have lived with BP since I was 13 but barely started legitimate treatment at 28 after my cousin told me about a free clinic. You are definitely on the right track in that you are motivated to better yourself and that you are on meds. Just focus on your personal issues first because these are more important than the embarrassment of living with your parents. I know that now. It's hard when life seems to pass you by; when your friends (or in my case old/former friends) are succeeding at life and you (er, me, or other MI people) cannot find a foothold to save your life. But things will get better, provided you stick to your treatment, especially for someone like you, as, you seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders.

It's really cool that you managed to get your AA! I got kicked out of a university at 19 and bounced around from community college to community college before eventually just giving up. Now I'm in a certificate program, but I regret every day not seeking treatment sooner.

Have no worries buddy. Just focus on recovery and I'm sure your hard-working personality will come to the rescue soon enough. It might take a bit longer than may seem ideal, but you'll get there. Life is tough for our kind. Those who would detract you for still living at home or for not holding down steady employment just don't, won't or refuse to even try to understand because they cannot fathom what is going on in our heads.

I would also (like was mentioned in an earlier post) suggest psychotherapy. Psychiatrists are necessary to maintain meds, but having a good therapist can get you through a lot!

Good luck, Christian! Don't hesitate to come on here or send me a message if you need to talk or vent or whatever. The people here are really nice, classy folk and genuinely care because we've all had (somewhat) similar experiences with this illness.

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central Christian!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator by left clicking on their name in blue to the left of their post if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm at my worst in the mornings too, especially when I first began treatment for my bipolar disorder. I found that going with my internal clock, the evening shift 3pm to 11pm, worked well for me and I would come home, stay up all night and then sleep during the day. If you're already doing this I'd encourage you to go ahead and try it with your job hours.

You'll find we have a safe and supportive community. I'm glad you've joined us.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

[kingston042389]

Wow, Thank you, all of you for your responses! I kind of put checking to see if anyone read my post due to the fact that I thought you guys would not understand.. Thank you soooo much!!!!! I am definetly going to try the psychotherapy, as I have been avoiding therapy because I never really understood how it worked, and avoided it. You guys are awesome! I needed all of this positive feedback, You guys made my day!!

Originally Posted by cmorales

Hi Christian! (that's my name too!)

Don't feel bad about still living with your parents. You've been through a lot! I'm 30 and I still live with my parents due to employment issues. I have lived with BP since I was 13 but barely started legitimate treatment at 28 after my cousin told me about a free clinic. You are definitely on the right track in that you are motivated to better yourself and that you are on meds. Just focus on your personal issues first because these are more important than the embarrassment of living with your parents. I know that now. It's hard when life seems to pass you by; when your friends (or in my case old/former friends) are succeeding at life and you (er, me, or other MI people) cannot find a foothold to save your life. But things will get better, provided you stick to your treatment, especially for someone like you, as, you seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders.

It's really cool that you managed to get your AA! I got kicked out of a university at 19 and bounced around from community college to community college before eventually just giving up. Now I'm in a certificate program, but I regret every day not seeking treatment sooner.

Have no worries buddy. Just focus on recovery and I'm sure your hard-working personality will come to the rescue soon enough. It might take a bit longer than may seem ideal, but you'll get there. Life is tough for our kind. Those who would detract you for still living at home or for not holding down steady employment just don't, won't or refuse to even try to understand because they cannot fathom what is going on in our heads.

I would also (like was mentioned in an earlier post) suggest psychotherapy. Psychiatrists are necessary to maintain meds, but having a good therapist can get you through a lot!

Good luck, Christian! Don't hesitate to come on here or send me a message if you need to talk or vent or whatever. The people here are really nice, classy folk and genuinely care because we've all had (somewhat) similar experiences with this illness.

[kingston042389]

cmorales, i tried PM'ing u it wouldnt let me! heres ur message haha

Thanks so much for your response, it really made me feel a lot better and gave me some hope for the future that things will change and I can hold a job again!! Seriously thank you!!!!

Originally Posted by cmorales

Hi Christian! (that's my name too!)

Don't feel bad about still living with your parents. You've been through a lot! I'm 30 and I still live with my parents due to employment issues. I have lived with BP since I was 13 but barely started legitimate treatment at 28 after my cousin told me about a free clinic. You are definitely on the right track in that you are motivated to better yourself and that you are on meds. Just focus on your personal issues first because these are more important than the embarrassment of living with your parents. I know that now. It's hard when life seems to pass you by; when your friends (or in my case old/former friends) are succeeding at life and you (er, me, or other MI people) cannot find a foothold to save your life. But things will get better, provided you stick to your treatment, especially for someone like you, as, you seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders.

It's really cool that you managed to get your AA! I got kicked out of a university at 19 and bounced around from community college to community college before eventually just giving up. Now I'm in a certificate program, but I regret every day not seeking treatment sooner.

Have no worries buddy. Just focus on recovery and I'm sure your hard-working personality will come to the rescue soon enough. It might take a bit longer than may seem ideal, but you'll get there. Life is tough for our kind. Those who would detract you for still living at home or for not holding down steady employment just don't, won't or refuse to even try to understand because they cannot fathom what is going on in our heads.

I would also (like was mentioned in an earlier post) suggest psychotherapy. Psychiatrists are necessary to maintain meds, but having a good therapist can get you through a lot!

Good luck, Christian! Don't hesitate to come on here or send me a message if you need to talk or vent or whatever. The people here are really nice, classy folk and genuinely care because we've all had (somewhat) similar experiences with this illness.