[Capriciousness]

I am. I'm actually feeling really low about it right now.

[lunaticfringe]

Yeah sometimes I think of it and it gets to me...I guess it's good in a way though because non-members can get a real window into what it's like to be bipolar. The public needs to know. But it does make me feel vulnerable sometimes. Luckily it's anonymous.

[Capriciousness]

I know I'm just upset that the blog is linked in and there could be search engine bleeding. I'm just worried I'm not going to feel comfortable saying everything here like I always have been. I don't know why I didn't think of it before but we all share so much and it is just public. I don't like it.

I know it's good for the lurkers but I feel like it's ruining it for me.

I wish there was at least some private forums.

[Capriciousness]

I'm trying to tell myself it doesn't matter. Anybody want to tell me it doesn't matter?

[lunaticfringe]

It doesn't matter! Who cares what anyone thinks. Our stories on here are as real as it gets.

[Capriciousness]

Yeah. I know. Ha. I know. I guess that's the problem. Sorry I'm just down now

[CopperStar]

The sort of people who would deliberately seek out forums for the mentally ill just to harass or judge.. are not exactly people whose opinions are worth anything, anyway. I sure as **** won't be intimidated by the occasional creeper into not sharing the truth. I wouldn't so much say that it doesn't matter, because let's face it, their are some judgemental morons in our species. I mean obviously lol. And they can be annoying to deal with in the odd circumstance. But they don't matter. The people who benefit from feeling less alone, and the Nons who benefit when they are genuinely trying to understand in an empathetic manner, they do matter.

[lovejoy91]

I would think this forum is helpful to anyone. If it were private, people may not get the help that he or she needs. I personally don't mind it being open. We're all posting with discretion so what's the problem?

[Capriciousness]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

The sort of people who would deliberately seek out forums for the mentally ill just to harass or judge.. are not exactly people whose opinions are worth anything, anyway. I sure as **** won't be intimidated by the occasional creeper into not sharing the truth. I wouldn't so much say that it doesn't matter, because let's face it, their are some judgemental morons in our species. I mean obviously lol. And they can be annoying to deal with in the odd circumstance. But they don't matter. The people who benefit from feeling less alone, and the Nons who benefit when they are genuinely trying to understand in an empathetic manner, they do matter.

You are so right.

[Capriciousness]

It's just weird to me that somebody I know irl could like read all this

[Lonlin3zz]

Originally Posted by Capriciousness

I'm trying to tell myself it doesn't matter. Anybody want to tell me it doesn't matter?

Think of how many people who has self-awareness through reading your blog.

Think of how I'm making an effort to counter the "downswing" mood because I'm more aware of myself.

Just don't care whether it matters or not. Right now, try to cool yourself down by watching old cartoon videos that brings back good memories

Sorry if this is the best I can help.

[Capriciousness]

actually think they could or would or it would be a problem really. I'm just like paranoid I guess. I'm super private. Ha! That's funny actually. But I am like kinda paranoid. Not in a bipolar way. Right now.

It is most important to help people. I mean that is why I am doing what I am doing with the blog! Right.

It just feels weird right now. Like I don't know what I'm afraid of. I am sure I am making much ado about nothing. It happens sometimes
But you're right that it is what is.

[Capriciousness]

Originally Posted by Lonlin3zz

Think of how many people who has self-awareness through reading your blog.

Think of how I'm making an effort to counter the "downswing" mood because I'm more aware of myself.

Just don't care whether it matters or not. Right now, try to cool yourself down by watching old cartoon videos that brings back good memories

Sorry if this is the best I can help.

Yes. You are right. Very right.

I like that "just don't care whether it matters or not"

And this was actually exactly what I needed to hear.

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by Capriciousness

actually think they could or would or it would be a problem really. I'm just like paranoid I guess. I'm super private. Ha! That's funny actually. But I am like kinda paranoid. Not in a bipolar way. Right now.

It is most important to help people. I mean that is why I am doing what I am doing with the blog! Right.

It just feels weird right now. Like I don't know what I'm afraid of. I am sure I am making much ado about nothing. It happens sometimes
But you're right that it is what is.

There might be a source to it that is just hard to see in the moment. I personally find it very difficult sometimes to distinguish between after effects of abuse and bipolar symptoms. Sometimes they are easily distinguished, but sometimes it's really hard. Paranoia is one of the symptoms that for me is very hard to distinguish sometimes. I think they overlap and trigger each other, honestly, between bipolar paranoia and trauma paranoia. Like of all the things in the world that I experience the most paranoia towards, my mother is the biggest by far. But just this night I remembered why, while she was bragging and joking about how good she is at manipulating and gaslighting people. At least for a moment I remembered that I'm not just crazy. Sometimes it's not paranoia at all. But it can morph into paranoia. For example suddenly having intense fear that my mother will try to kill my brother, which is extremely unlikely and for which there is no evidence whatsoever. Then some paranoia is obviously from the bipolar, like thinking I have a demon in the house or something.

[~Christina]

If this site were private none of us would have found it or met, Doc John also has as many safety features as possible to keep members safe. This site unlike many keep out the trolls and flamers..

Unless you post specific names, jobs, Friends, towns etc... How would anyone know it was you?

Obviously I don't care .....I have my pic up

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I've been blogging for 10 years. For about 6 I was very anonymous and then I became willing to share "Jen" and the region of the country I live in and my profession. I did that because I was tired of secrecy and knew a young boy who was newly diagnosed and I didn't want to contribute to him growing up needing the same secrecy. I just didn't take any big leaps since there are more Jens than anything else in people around my age.

I'll warn you that blogging sometimes will make you wonder what people have figured out. A few times someone from one of the teensy towns I worked in would land on my page and I'd start wondering if it were a co-worker. Once I wrote about a bad experience with a medical hospital and got some mean comments from someone living nearby. Another time I had what I believe was a pedophile trolling me for information/details about my history of sexual abuse. That was plain old creepy and after that person was told no more I got a bunch of hits from a porn site for a few days. I never looked to see why. But that was my own fault in that I fell for a sad story and talked more than I should have without vetting the person.

I am waiting to feel well enough to go through my blog and take down almost every post. I'm just done at this point, for no other reason than 10 years has let me say everything I needed to say.

But I guess I'm just thinking that both blogging and something like this forum are going to have the potential for weirdos to come along and you just have to be careful and make the best judgment calls you can. Although I did change my name to something harder to identify as me related to any other online name I've ever used I mostly worry less about privacy posting on here than on my blog, another reason it is coming down. I am afraid of things on the blog hurting someone I care about if they ever stumbled across it (highly unlikely but in the last year that's gotten harder to not write about some things that are not things I can discuss publicly). That's not the main reason but since I"m really not writing on it I'm taking it down to just blog privately from now on, leaving up some posts that have seemed to be more helpful than others based on statistics.

I hope you can make sense of this; I know what I'm trying to say (and partly that is to have some software that lets you track visits, like sitemeter) but I'm not saying it well. I've spent a really long time today sewing and following instructions is not my strong point at this moment. My brain is very tired.

[Capriciousness]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I've been blogging for 10 years. For about 6 I was very anonymous and then I became willing to share "Jen" and the region of the country I live in and my profession. I did that because I was tired of secrecy and knew a young boy who was newly diagnosed and I didn't want to contribute to him growing up needing the same secrecy. I just didn't take any big leaps since there are more Jens than anything else in people around my age.

I'll warn you that blogging sometimes will make you wonder what people have figured out. A few times someone from one of the teensy towns I worked in would land on my page and I'd start wondering if it were a co-worker. Once I wrote about a bad experience with a medical hospital and got some mean comments from someone living nearby. Another time I had what I believe was a pedophile trolling me for information/details about my history of sexual abuse. That was plain old creepy and after that person was told no more I got a bunch of hits from a porn site for a few days. I never looked to see why. But that was my own fault in that I fell for a sad story and talked more than I should have without vetting the person.

I am waiting to feel well enough to go through my blog and take down almost every post. I'm just done at this point, for no other reason than 10 years has let me say everything I needed to say.

But I guess I'm just thinking that both blogging and something like this forum are going to have the potential for weirdos to come along and you just have to be careful and make the best judgment calls you can. Although I did change my name to something harder to identify as me related to any other online name I've ever used I mostly worry less about privacy posting on here than on my blog, another reason it is coming down. I am afraid of things on the blog hurting someone I care about if they ever stumbled across it (highly unlikely but in the last year that's gotten harder to not write about some things that are not things I can discuss publicly). That's not the main reason but since I"m really not writing on it I'm taking it down to just blog privately from now on, leaving up some posts that have seemed to be more helpful than others based on statistics.

I hope you can make sense of this; I know what I'm trying to say (and partly that is to have some software that lets you track visits, like sitemeter) but I'm not saying it well. I've spent a really long time today sewing and following instructions is not my strong point at this moment. My brain is very tired.

Okay that freaked me out a little bit. But I'm sure it will be okay. What are you sewing?

[Capriciousness]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

If this site were private none of us would have found it or met, Doc John also has as many safety features as possible to keep members safe. This site unlike many keep out the trolls and flamers..

Unless you post specific names, jobs, Friends, towns etc... How would anyone know it was you?

Obviously I don't care .....I have my pic up

Yeah tell me more about that. Why don't you care so much that you have your pic up. Very impressive.

[Row Jimmy]

I've always had the attitude that I could care less what people think of me. I've always been a bit of an odd duck, perhaps connected somehow to being an undiagnosed BP. Now, I'm simply more comfortable in my own skin. In the end, that's what we probably all need to be.

[Capriciousness]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

There might be a source to it that is just hard to see in the moment. I personally find it very difficult sometimes to distinguish between after effects of abuse and bipolar symptoms. Sometimes they are easily distinguished, but sometimes it's really hard. Paranoia is one of the symptoms that for me is very hard to distinguish sometimes. I think they overlap and trigger each other, honestly, between bipolar paranoia and trauma paranoia. Like of all the things in the world that I experience the most paranoia towards, my mother is the biggest by far. But just this night I remembered why, while she was bragging and joking about how good she is at manipulating and gaslighting people. At least for a moment I remembered that I'm not just crazy. Sometimes it's not paranoia at all. But it can morph into paranoia. For example suddenly having intense fear that my mother will try to kill my brother, which is extremely unlikely and for which there is no evidence whatsoever. Then some paranoia is obviously from the bipolar, like thinking I have a demon in the house or something.

Yeah I think you are right that it comes from a past kind of thing. I think that I do know some of why I always feel like that.

[Trixie246]

I agree with "lunaticfringe" who cares? It is not like they are your neighbor and you might bump into them and then they can judge you because you posted a post on the forum. How would they know you did that or even know it was you? They don't know you they cannot see you. You have a fake name and we don't give our addresses out so what does it matter. We are here just to support each other and get through the day. We are all just people here and all we know is what we tell each other and post here and that's the end of it. The only other thing you can do which would not be public would be to go to counseling one on one and then no one else would know anything at all about you then you wouldn't have to worry about a public forum. I mean how could a free place like this that is so helpful an I am sure has saved many lives do one on one counseling and not be public. Just try to keep in your mind how much help you have gotten from being here and always know you can come here and just babble or get things off your chest and actual people will support you and try and help you. For me that is priceless!

[Capriciousness]

Okay so I feel like it comes down to not letting fear stand in the way of helping people and partaking in something that has really helped me. It would be too silly and sad if closed down the blog and stopped coming here because of some abstract paranoia fear stuff.

That was my mission in my last mania. I thought I needed to conquer all fear in my life and focus on all of the good. That's really not too crazy of an idea...perhaps I was onto something

I know that there are weirdos but there are things that are more important than avoiding ****** people.

I still feel weird which as Copperstar pointed out is probably part of my psychological issues.

And I can't change it and I'm not ashamed of anything in here. And I'm proud of all of it and so happy to be part of this awesome community. And I'm not going to let fear ruin it.

So **** it. Let's talk about something really juicy ha

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by Capriciousness

Okay that freaked me out a little bit. But I'm sure it will be okay. What are you sewing?

Sorry, didn't mean to freak you out. To counter the freak out my friend who convinced me to write the blog once was talking to someone at his church about bipolar and cyclothymia and difficulty getting diagnosed and the guy started describing my blog and how he liked the different viewpoints on this particular blog. My friend said "do you mean Master of Irony?" and the guy said "yep!". So that was completely random and really fun.

I've also met some amazing people blogging. I was able to help a mom as she learned to parent a child with bipolar and as she developed some things have been mentioned on some really neat media. Her kid is doing well now and I hope that some of it is because I was able to describe some of what he experienced. I've met people who are healing from growing up with untreated mentally ill parents and people who just were curious and have learned a lot they never would have known. I've blogged from inside IP 3 times, always interesting. I've met someone in similar circumstances to me, same career, same treatment resistance, different approaches to life. Lots of good stuff I should have included.

The sewing is a mess. My nieces are going to Disney in a month and the goal was to make them each a couple of Disney dresses. But to practice since I haven't sewed in a while I tried to make a dress the older one has been requesting for a while. It's actually fabric she had a dress from at 2 years old but she doesn't remember that dress. I've made it in 2 different sizes and don't think either is going to fit. If I'm really lucky the big one will fit her and the smaller one her sister but I'll never get that lucky. I've had more errors than I should have had on 7 dresses with this simple pattern and keep having to buy more fabric. My attention span is not ideal for this idea of mine. It's just made me realize how not completely better I am. But both are done and tomorrow I'll be sizing them for something that will just be about 3 fast seams for each dress so the end is in sight. I hope. Unless the older girl is too tall for the pre-designed fabric. In which case I may cry in defeat. I have stuff to make each another dress but we'll see if I get there.

[~Christina]

Well, I'm really a boring person , there is no reason anyone would want to snoop on me or give a shyt what I do online..

I just don't really care.... If people don't like me ... so what..

[Capriciousness]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Sorry, didn't mean to freak you out. To counter the freak out my friend who convinced me to write the blog once was talking to someone at his church about bipolar and cyclothymia and difficulty getting diagnosed and the guy started describing my blog and how he liked the different viewpoints on this particular blog. My friend said "do you mean Master of Irony?" and the guy said "yep!". So that was completely random and really fun.

I've also met some amazing people blogging. I was able to help a mom as she learned to parent a child with bipolar and as she developed some things have been mentioned on some really neat media. Her kid is doing well now and I hope that some of it is because I was able to describe some of what he experienced. I've met people who are healing from growing up with untreated mentally ill parents and people who just were curious and have learned a lot they never would have known. I've blogged from inside IP 3 times, always interesting. I've met someone in similar circumstances to me, same career, same treatment resistance, different approaches to life. Lots of good stuff I should have included.

The sewing is a mess. My nieces are going to Disney in a month and the goal was to make them each a couple of Disney dresses. But to practice since I haven't sewed in a while I tried to make a dress the older one has been requesting for a while. It's actually fabric she had a dress from at 2 years old but she doesn't remember that dress. I've made it in 2 different sizes and don't think either is going to fit. If I'm really lucky the big one will fit her and the smaller one her sister but I'll never get that lucky. I've had more errors than I should have had on 7 dresses with this simple pattern and keep having to buy more fabric. My attention span is not ideal for this idea of mine. It's just made me realize how not completely better I am. But both are done and tomorrow I'll be sizing them for something that will just be about 3 fast seams for each dress so the end is in sight. I hope. Unless the older girl is too tall for the pre-designed fabric. In which case I may cry in defeat. I have stuff to make each another dress but we'll see if I get there.

Wow I'm impressed you're sewing all of that. It sounds exhausting. Thanks for countering the freak out. It helped. I appreciate that.