[cashart10]

Hey!

I want to use this to explain, vent, and update my experiences with IOP.

Today was great. It is a much better IOP than the other hospital's IOP that I have twice attended. It was a small and therefore fairly intimate room where I (imagine that!!!) had no problem sharing. I gave them a lesson in bipolar disorder and, mostly, psychosis because they asked me many questions.

Group ended heavily because we ended on a discouraging note but overall it was a positive experience.

Possible trigger:

I know I can't share personal stories but I think this is fine since it is about no actual person. There was someone there who said that anyone who checked that they were suicidal on the check-in sheet was just looking for attention. I explained how, just this past Tues, when I had slept hardly a wink the night before, I resolved to take my life. However, I didn't really want to die (although because of my heightened anxiety and my irrational brain, I had EVERY intention of doing so that very evening). Because I knew I didn't really want to die, I told my husband. He kep me safe all night and stole all of the "methods" he was aware of (I was impressed, actually). It wasn't a cry for attention; I was simply terrified of myself and my own mind. I think I may have made this person upset but this person's perspective irritated me. Things like this check-in sheet can be a discreet wasy of saving a life.

Now that I have started this journey, my concern is, is this a waste of time; my concern is am I strongly burdoning my family for the next four weeks for no reason at all?. What affect can group therapy possibly have on psychotic and suicidal thinking? Four weeks of three daily hours of sanity? Is that all? My pdoc and therapist both encouraged this. They are confident that it may empower my mind. And, they believe I can conquer this mess of suicidality and psychosis through the tried an true method of intensive therapy. I'm not so sure. You can call me pessimistic (and probably are) and a complainer but now that I am doing this, I think, how is this going to prevent me from hearing voices? How is this going to dilute thoughts such as

Possible trigger:

"I am going to hell regardless so I may as well take my life now by my own hand."

How is this going to combat my largest struggles? What do you think? Am I being a pessimist for no reason?

[LettinG0]

Cash.....

Just breathe . . . and do it.

You need this help and have taken the steps to get it.

Try to remember that these obsessive thoughts (should I? will it? etc) are part of the cycle...and just try to keep moving forward in spite of the fact that they are bombarding you.

I'm glad you finally got into the IOP. Try really hard to take advantage of it.

[alincdytyourmeds]

that thought about hell, I have had many times, hope it gets better

[loophole]

I've had no severe psychosis issues like i used to have.. (like making up my own stories((thats a terrible way to describe it.. i fully believed these stories and hallucinated enough that i was reading these text messages and seeing things))).. i've not had a similar instance since my IOP.... I did some thing there with paddles in my hands.. therapist would talk and send signals to the pads.. I'm a huge pessimist and don't believe in all this "voodoo" nonsense... however.. I walked out of the hospital in SHOCK... it felt like I had just smoked a bag of weed but without all the "stoned feeling".just a crazy body buzz. I had to go home and rest afterwards.... I also opened up in IOP way more then I ever dreamed I would... it was an experience I'll never forget... not sure if it's the med combination that was changed... the IOP or a combination of both (what I believe) that has really helped me live a life with less paranoia etc..

[raspberrytorte]

You want to get better, yes? Stay in the program.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

You want to get better, yes? Stay in the program.

Did IOP help you? When I read your stories, for some reason I sort of equate my illness to yours. I may be wrong and I'm not even sure where that belief comes from but I have had that impression since you came on this scene. I get much from your input as well.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by loophole

I've had no severe psychosis issues like i used to have.. (like making up my own stories((thats a terrible way to describe it.. i fully believed these stories and hallucinated enough that i was reading these text messages and seeing things))).. i've not had a similar instance since my IOP.... I did some thing there with paddles in my hands.. therapist would talk and send signals to the pads.. I'm a huge pessimist and don't believe in all this "voodoo" nonsense... however.. I walked out of the hospital in SHOCK... it felt like I had just smoked a bag of weed but without all the "stoned feeling".just a crazy body buzz. I had to go home and rest afterwards.... I also opened up in IOP way more then I ever dreamed I would... it was an experience I'll never forget... not sure if it's the med combination that was changed... the IOP or a combination of both (what I believe) that has really helped me live a life with less paranoia etc..

Thank you! At this IOP, my pdoc is still in control of my meds.

[Nammu]

Does IOP stop the voices, no.
Does IOP help you cope with the voices, yes!
Keep going it sounds like a positive step.

[wildflowerchild25]

IOP helped me immensely during last summer and one of the times in the fall. Just having a place to go and talk about how to deal with my illness was a lifesaver. It will NOT stop the voices, I feel only meds can do that, but it will help you learn how to deal with the voices better. Stick with it and just see where it goes. It will help if it's a good program. You may get to the root of your suicidality and be able to overcome it. Plus they can monitor your meds more closely.

Hey, it can't make things any worse, right?

[cashart10]

I think I was wrong. I can really see that this may help me.

[LettinG0]

Originally Posted by cashart10

I think I was wrong. I can really see that this may help me.

Awesome!

[loophole]

Yep give it time. If it's a good system it will be well worth your time!

Sent from my iPhone 6 plus using Tapatalk

[cashart10]

So, my depression level on the little form you have to fill out each morning was a 5 out of 10 y'all. I'm starting to feel better. I'm still worried that when I leave the program things will go back to how they were but I'm trying to cling to the tools I'm learning and focus. I'm feeling better!

[Victoria'smom]

That's so good. Will you have extra services when you get out of iop ? When do you get discharged?

[BeyondtheRainbow]

So glad to hear this! You deserve to feel better finally. When I'm getting better I always think it is just the additional therapy or the med increase and I always am afraid that when those things back off I'll be the same as I was but I never am. IOP skills will just help you and you'll finish up (still a couple more weeks right?) and keep feeling better.

How does your mom and husband think you are doing?

[Nammu]

I'm glad to hear from you, was wondering how you were doing. When I've been in IOP there's usually a step down program called PP partial program it like a couple hours every other day or so. You check in and talk about you are dealing with life and how to fine tune your tools to match your life.

[cashart10]

Yesterday, during my check-in at group, I said something that worried my therapist. I'm not sure what I said but my overall mood was fairly somber. She pulled me aside during break and asked me many questions. The last question was "on a scale of 1 to 10, how likely are you to be here tomorrow?" By "be here," she meant "be alive." I told her I could confidently tell her I would be there tomorrow. She was fine with that but told me again that she wants me to see one of the hospital's doctors. Firstly, she wants me to see him as a second pair of eyes on my meds, and secondly, she wants me to see him to ensure my safety. I have a feeling she will forget though. She has forgotten a few things so far. I may remind her. I haven't decided yet (mostly because I'm not certain my insurance will cover the pdoc as it only covers IOP at this hospital and their IOP doesn't normally include a pdoc). She is very pro Clozaril for me also (she is a therapist but she ran "hearing voices" groups as a therapist for many years. I am overwhelmed by everything.

My husband told me yesterday that clearly doctors, and therapists, and medications aren't going to heal me so I have to do it myself. He gave me the ole "pull up yer boot straps matey" speech. I know I need to make some lifestyle changes but this was ridiculous. The day before yesterday, I slept the ENTIRE day after group. When my husband came home and asked why it looked as though the kitchen had been hit by a tornado, I told him I just couldn't get up. So, he told me that was okay and then helped me put the house back in order. Yesterday, however, he told me on the phone that he was going to be upset if the house was in such reckless condition again. I warned him that he was probably going to be upset then and that's when the speech began. He gives me such mixed signals. "You're allowed to be sick; I understand" is his message this day and "get your lazy *** up and do something" is his message the next day. I don't know how to either process or please him. He tells me he will stay no matter how sick I become and he will stay regardless of my size (it's been VERY hard me to maintain against the weight gain side effects--especially while being depressed and not giving a damn). I've always believed him. However, there is a girl in my group who I am quite fond of and whose story mirrors mine in numerous ways. Her story has me doubting my own story and leaves me asking if I am too trusting. I hope my husband doesn't leave. Then I would really be unable to function.

When I saw my pdoc on Mon, he gave me homework. I was to come up with something to do that will give my life a little more meaning. He gave me some suggestions and I think that the biggest "meaningful" habit that I will follow through with regularly is visiting a DBSA group weekly. I am still working on this assignment though. Another thing I am considering is teaching myself to knit from youtube. Anyway, I just wanted to update you guys! Hope you are well!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Can I suggest loom knitting? It's easier and since it's easier it's more likely that someone with shifting moods will stick with it. I got it originally because a patient told me it was a fun and easy way to make socks. I've never actually tried to make a sock though because I got hooked on baby hats and make them to donate to a charity that provides them to families who are not expecting their baby to survive or babies in NICUs. I've probably made, oh, 500 in the last 4 years. I hadn't done it for a long time but have been doing it again lately both to fill the current box for shipping and because I needed something to keep my hands busy but not my brain. The looms can be bought at a craft store or Walmart and I learned how by watching an 8 year old do it on youtube. You can do different stitches and make patterns and everything. It's a good hobby. I made my own winter hat last year and was quite proud of it.

[Wander]

Just want you to know I am thinking of you and hope the IOP helps immensely.

[jacky8807]

i thought i was going to iop but they put me in php and so far i think it is helping because me not working it gives me structure.....me without structure is DANgerous
but its good you have ppl everyday checking in on you feel whether you are stable or having si ect. Im glad you are getting some help and i hope you find relief soon. Dont worry about the rest right now just get better

[Nammu]

I'm glad things are going so well for you. Well perhaps that note the right word. But you are getting the help you need to tackle this illness. I'm glad there's someone there who can see the seriousness of these things and is helping you get what you need. I hope you are able to see the second Pdoc, it never hurts to have a second opinion.