How can I put my partner at ease during an episode?

Hi guys,

I've been relatively good for just over 2 years. I recently came off abilify, which has sent me spiralling downward. I'm experiencing a moderate depressive episode that could be a precursor to something worse, but I'm trying to stay positive. I have an appointment with my pdoc next week when we'll discuss some solutions.

In the mean time, my sudden mood change is having a major affect on my fiance. She's never seen me in a slump before, so she's overwhelmed and not sure what to do. And in some ways, taking it personally.

So my question is, what can I do to make this time easier for her? I'm quite open and try to communicate with her, despite feeling some shame for what's happening. How can I put her at ease? Do you guys have any suggestions?

In the U.S. we have organizations that educate loved ones about mental illness. I met a lot of patients who said it made a huge difference on their family members' understanding. Maybe you could look for something similar in your area.

As a woman, I would say that she might be feeling helpless and maybe even rejected if you haven't been as social or have been sleeping when you might otherwise be spending time with her. Maybe when you see your pdoc you could pick up some pamphlets or even ask if (s)he has any passages in books that you could photocopy. Those kinds of materials sort of legitimize the situation. Give them to her and then have a gentle conversation. Explain what you will need from her and ask her what she needs/expects from you in return. Explain that she can help but she can't fix this, that what is happening is due to the chemicals in your brain. It's not laziness or lack of willpower. Then I would make a pact: we will love each other and respect each other as we get through this, and we will communicate about our concerns and not allow any resentment to come between us.

I think it's awesome that you are so considerate of her even though you're not feeling well ��

Thanks Wibbly. It can't be easy handling someone in a slump. Especially when for all intents and purposes I have so much to be happy about in my life. She just doesn't get it. Anyway, I'm starting geodon and hoping that'll lift my mood.

In somewhat similar situations, I just focus a lot on what I'm going to do about it / solutions. So like for example, focusing the conversation on how I'm going to try a medication adjustment or something, and even the date on which I'll be seeing a/the pdoc. Or whatever. The idea is to make the other person feel like I've got it under control and I am going to handle it, to try to keep them from feeling like they need to swoop in and save me - which of course they can't do.

I finally figured out that simply being open with my spouse about what was going on helped a great deal of his anxiety. Not being open just left him guessing and supposing and anticipating. I learned to just let him know what was going on and maybe what I needed from him (just some space, or a listening ear, or to get out together and do something not mental health related . . . whatever). It was important to let him know I didn't expect or even want him to try to fix me, but that I would let him know if I thought I needed to call my doctor or go to the hospital.

Communications is important, though that can be hard to do when you get really low. Make sure to let her know it isn't anything that she's done to cause it would help a ton.

Tell her how you've gone through similar episodes and recovered just fine, that the valleys are a normal part of the bipolar experience.

I think it really boils down to cummunicating better.

My husband use to take it personal when I was down and depressed and/or dealing with pain.. I would make remarks about my life sucked, I hate this , I hate my life .. he took things personal...

Once we really talked he learned that I wasnt bashing our life together, Nor was my depression due to anything he did or didnt do. We made some specific "rules" basically..

When I am in a downward spiral I just give him a heads up, He also agrees to not try and fix me ( he can't) He will daily ask me if there is anything he can do to help and tell me he loves me then gives me my space.

Everyone is different in how they deal with episodes.. It's all about finding what will work for you and your partner and that all starts with open and honest talking.

I agree with everyone else. Just reassurance that it is not her, it is your illness. Eduction and communication. You may have to say it a lot for it to sink in.

Thanks for the advice guys. I just try put myself in her shoes, which makes it easier to understand why she's taking it personally. I've chatted to her and we're on the same page, so to speak.

Does anyone ever feel ashamed of their illness when it comes to your partner? Like all you ever talk about is your meds and your mood. Kinda like you're making a bigger deal out of it than you should?

I often refrain from communicating with my fiance because I feel like she's sick and tired of hearing about me and my condition.