Just when I start to think I'm normal

I've been on disability for 6 years but recently landed two jobs - both part time, low hour jobs. One is at a fast food restaurant and is so stressful that I think it's pushing me into mania. The other one is a theatre job and is probably the only thing keeping me with one foot in sanity. I haven't slept at all in the last 48 hours. My thoughts aren't racing yet, and I don't quite have that electric feeling that mania has for me, but I know if it keeps going like this it will happen. I have to keep it together for the theatre job, we start performances tomorrow.

I just want to be normal. I want to be able to afford to pay for BOTH rent and groceries. I can't do that on disability. I NEED to be able to work, not only so that I have enough money to live on, but also so I can feel like I'm contributing.

My psychiatrist doesn't want me to keep the fast food job. Right now I'm inclined to agree because every day I just want to call in sick, the job sends my anxiety into overdrive because there's so much pressure to be fast and pick things up quickly. I'm doing really well there, truthfully, but most of the time I just don't want to go. I'm supposed to work two overnights in a row every five weeks but my psychiatrist said no way to that. I told them at work and they weren't happy. I haven't disclosed bipolar disorder and I hope I don't have to.

Part of me wants to quit, but my theatre job is only temporary and ends at the beginning of September. I've applied for a job at my university that I think I'd like more, but haven't heard anything yet.

I know no one is truly normal, but I'm so sick of ALWAYS having something wrong.

It sounds as though your pdoc is right about the fast food job.... and there are programs to help you pay your rent while you are on disability. You should look into them.

And you know you need to sleep. Without sleep you aren't going to be good for anything. Take care of yourself.

Where I live, there aren't programs to help pay rent while on disability, unless I want to wait on a list for low income housing for at least 5 years.

I slept last night so I'm probably fine. And my work shift was easy last night so I feel better about the job too.

Might as well get your name on that list. It won't help now, but at least it will be an option in 5 years if you need it at that point.

thanks for the hugs. I've asked my psychiatrist and my OT for help getting on a low income housing list before and they don't think I'm "bad enough" for that. Resources are very limited here, and I'm attending school and working so I'm not as needy as some people.