Meds

Mine are locked up

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I talked with my therapist today. She thought that my issues last night were related to the anxiety over my meds. I think so too. She even said that my hearing thunder was likely me hearing thunder. She said that just because I heard it and my husband didn't, didn't mean it wasn't there. She said I shouldn't jump to conclusions when I was clearly stressed to the max about something entirely different. I know that I tend to do that. She thought my affect was fine.

Then tonight I talked to my hubs and mom. They both agreed to the Lamictal only. I took everything this morning but I am going to try this experiment. So, tonight, and until it is decided otherwise, and with the support of my pdoc, I took only the Lamictal (although I am going to get up in a moment and take the Klonapin to help me sleep tonight because I can forsee that being an issue). My pdoc warned that I may need the Abilify right off since he sensed my mood seemed a little elevated but we are going to start here. I hope this works. When I was young and took all of these meds, it was when I dropped to only one that I started to get better, that I dropped all of the stupid weight, and that I stopped feeling like such a ditzy, emotionless robot.

Good luck to me...I have butterflies even typing this.

And, I think a BIG part of my problem is that those years spent "happily stable" were years with no meds. I had about 8 years of stability med free. Since I got so sick and began meds again, I have been a total mess.

Thank you Sesiley!

I think you are voicing what many of us with bipolar feel. We all want the mania/hypomania. Until it gets bad.

It is the fact that it can not be controlled. That is hard for me. I can't just have a bit of mania.

Good for you that you are doing what you want and think you should do...no one should tell you what you should do ....I think you were just saying what was going on in your head out loud to people you thought would understand a little better so you could figure out what you wanted to do,which is helpful and there are people on here that are supportive but there are a lot of you who do judge a lot .I hear everywhere to end the stigma and for people with mental illness to not feel ashamed or judged but I come on here were it is all people with mental illness and they are judging others and telling them what they should do and the one person who said that you are a "addicting to instability ". I'm sorry but if you don't want to be judged than just don't judge others..and don't tell others what they need and should do..just be supporting or don't say anything...

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I would just like to mention that when those of us here, with our own mental health issues who do completely understand and sympathize, express our opinions........for the vast majority of us - they are just that - opinions - and they are not meant as judgmental or judging or know-it-all...

Also, we interact with people regularly here, and we get invested in their lives - at least the parts that they share with us --- and we want to see the outcome of their current dilemma be a positive one....so we put in our two cents worth...

Most of us are not stigmatizing nor are we judging. We care. And so we express our honest opinions......

Cash has been willing to share her journey with all of its ups and downs and sideways...and we've all been along for the ride. I hope she hasn't been hurt by any of the posts; but, I believe like she can handle the sincere, honest opinions.

Reason for editing:
Decided that this post is not worth my attention.

You won't be terrible. You'll be awesome! Everything will be so much easier. ((hugs))

I'm sorry about my blunt question. I didn't mean to be insensitive.

I just asked. I didn't say she was.

I don't think Cash is playing the victim. I get where she's coming from, it's just hard to explain.

When I stop my meds it's because I know the side effects will take about ten years off of my life. That's the statistics for people with bipolar and a big reason is the medication they feed us...but, the other reasons are suicide and homicide. So basically we're damned if we do and damned if we don't.

We may be unstable and difficult to understand at times, but I think any of us who woke up today are badass survivors.
That's just my opinion.

I don't think I play the victim card at all. When I was younger, I was an attention seeking liar (and by younger, I mean a teenager). I know what that is like and I don't seek to be anything like that at all. I don't know that I know that disaster will result in my not taking my meds necessicarily as (I do go back and forth with this), like I mentioned, I thrived for years med free (and that is after I had been diagnosed and experienced hell from the illness). I am NEVER entirely convinced that I need meds and there are plenty of people with severe bipolar disorder who function outside of meds. I never said "you didn't really know me," I said you didn't know me outside of here. I'm certain we are multilayered individuals who come across entirely different online than we do in our every day lives at times. For instance, one thing many of you wouldn't necessicarily know about me that my family knows is that I am a HIGHLY anxious person and I tend to overreact to my emotions and think that every little thing I do fits into an episode. Often times I will come across on here much worse than I actually am because I perceive the situation worse than it actually is. My husband can talk me down in minutes from things that will on here spark all kinds of dramatic responses (the same for my therapist and pdoc, btw). It has happened more times than once. That is just because he knows me much better and much differently than all of you. The same is for my mom, sister, and best friend. Laurabeth, you are clearly entitled to you anger but I think it may be misguided. Also, like I said before, because of the high involvement of my support team, it is rare that I go beyond missing doses. My husband would, as mentioned, take over my meds before allowing me to come off of them as he is strongly opposed to it. I am very open and honest with him and with all of my support team, telling them everything from when I am explicitly suicidal to when I fear my thoughts may be becoming delusional. I have an extrordinary blanket of safety, support, and realism that comes from my family and best friend. I was entirely in control of my life, everything from homeschooling my then kindergarder and two other kindergardners, to running my household and finances, prior to my psychotic break; "victim" was the farthest thing from my mind. Any "victim card" I have today is a card dealt to my by a sickening illness.

Didn't think anything of it except concern for me.

I find stability extremely dull and boring BUT MY KIDS LIVES ARE MORE IMPORTANT AND WORTH IT! My kids are first and I come after them always

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I know this comment was intended for raspberry but I want to chime in because I am always afraid my illness and any rash decisions I make will traumatize my children.

Firstly, regarding you Loophole, good for you! This is VERY true and VERY important.

Secondly, regarding me, I am very loving, nurturing, and slow to anger, no matter my affect. This is my saving grace as a mom. When I am not level headed enough to make rational decisions, I depend on my husband. I hope the Lamictal mono therapy will make me stable without making me flat, colorless, and vacuous as has been my experience with psych meds at all times in my life I have taken them (unless I have taken only one or two certain meds). Seven meds is a ridiculous number!

I always thought that was way to much .... best luck girl ... you deserve it ....

Right

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(((((Cash)))) xo

Totally off topic but I found a song for you, actually in music therapy in the hospital.

I haven't listened to this yet but I will; I almost missed it because I've been away. I'll listen and let you know what I think. Thanks for sharing; you are very sweet. How are you feeling? Better, I hope!

I think you'll like it. Lots of meaning in there.

I'm ok. I had so many med changes in just a few days that the dr. said I'm going to feel bad for a week or two more while my brain adjusts. So far he is accurate. But I don't want to hurt myself and that is much better than a week ago.