[BeyondtheRainbow]

My depression got a tiny bit better last week and has now gone back to the place where I can barely function.

It's such a mess. I wanted to see my pdoc early but she's too booked because of being off some of this week. So I have to wait until next Monday. I really want her to be making the decision about what happens next, especially because I'm ready to talk about some more drastic treatments. I thought she was going to suggest something I could start OP but I guess not.

In the meantime this means if I can avoid the hospital this week I really want to so I can see her. And hopefully I can and maybe regain what I lost. But I can't go on forever feeling like I do and that means I may need to go next week. Which is a huge problem because my mom is going to be out of town and can't watch my cats and I don't have anyone else which means that I can't just go to the hospital when they tell me to, I'll have to drive home (1.25 hours from my therapist, 2.5 hours from pdoc) to get the cats boarded at the vet's and then drive back to the hospital (2 hours) that day or the next. My therapist is going to be upset I didn't make other arrangements but I don't HAVE other arrangements. Unless I use someone I've never met from a website and then let them into my house (which I'm very paranoid about).

So now I'm depressed AND stressed out about this whole thing. Hopefully I make it without the hospital. But I've been on the edge for several weeks and I know there is a limit to how long I can do this without help. I've made it through worse OP. That's kind of my new mantra. But my therapist isn't going to like the negative changes and my pdoc is off.

this sucks.

[kaliope]

it does sound like it sucks. i wonder if you can describe your perdicament to your pdoc and see if she can get you in earlier.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

My pdoc is off a lot of this week so doesn't have any openings. She only sees patients part time so things get cramped in her schedule if she isn't around for a few days. I checked last week and she already didn't have anything.

We discussed a med change via email but she ultimately didn't make one. It's so complicated right now that I can understand her wanting to see me before she does anything. Any AP I go on has big risks, I can't go on another AD (I can increase the dose on this one but they don't like to use the top dose on it for some reason), and I'm on mood stabilizers at the doses that are the highest I can tolerate. I don't think I'm the only one who thinks we need to have a "big guns" discussion which needs to be done in person.
\
So I keep waiting..

[Edgar's Mom]

((((((((((Rainbow))))))))))

I'll do my best to watch out for your posts for the next while and be there for you when I can. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.

If you need to go IP, I hope you can find a way. Would you be able to check them in to boarding before you go to your appt so that if they want to admit you, things are all ready? Then if you don't go IP you can bale them out when you get back?

Lisa

[Homeira]

100% sympathy from me

[vjdragonfly]

RainbowI hope you can make it to your appt. but I'm glad you know when you need to go IP. Best wishes to you.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thanks Lisa. That's a good idea, especially if my appointment tomorrow or Thursday looks ominous for the next one. Of course just to make this all more complicated I have an issue with boarding them; I have a 20 year old cat who is doing well for her age but she's frail and it is easy to mess up her health. So I really do not want to board her because they require immunizations be up to date and I don't feel that immunizations are good for her right now. I need to call the vet and find out if they will make an exception. I have no idea if they will since they seem to think she's still alive more by luck than by the dietary changes I've made that are the opposite of what would be recommended for her allegedly failing kidneys (I no longer believe that was true but that's a long story).

I think I need to focus hard on getting through this week and then we'll see what Monday brings. I feel like the hospital can't do much this week that can't be done OP and I'm so unsure that I want to continue the path of trying meds I'm likely to react to versus trying ECT or just going on to clozaril that I'm not sure what I want to do anyway. I'd be ok with increasing a med dose but I'm not sure I want to start anything new before I see my pdoc in person.

And it's only a week. I can do anything for just a week. I think.

[wiretwister]

And it's only a week. I can do anything for just a week. I think.

I believe you can ...

[cakeladie]

Positive vibes coming your way

[Homeira]

[gina_re]

Hope you're doing ok

[raspberrytorte]

(((rainbow)))

I don't know if this will work out because you said one of your cats is really old, but when we go out of town we just leave out a bunch of food and water for our cats (like food everywhere, and we give them bowls of water, as well as fill up the sink, etc.). They're always fine.

I hope everything works out!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thanks for asking and for the idea for the kitties. I'm about the same and hanging on tightly to the edge. My therapist is being understanding about my need to talk to my pdoc rather than have a hospital one decide the course of treatment so unless I become dangerous I should be able to stay home until Monday. And it's only 5 more days...Not fun and I feel horrible but in a way this is a good thing; I'm too depressed to be suicidal and that keeps me home.

I used to be able to leave the cats with food but now feeding is complex and they both need someone to check in daily because they both have some big health problems (renal failure in one, pancreatitis in the other). Plus I may be gone for nearly a week before my mom is home.

It may be that my pdoc will want to try something else at home first. I sent an email just telling her I didn't need to hear back after a request last week because I really need to talk to her in person about what comes next, that I am interested in whether ECT is an option and if it isn't that I have a number of questions before doing anything else. So I may go and she'll have something to try at home that doesn't bother me. I just feel very wary of meds right now. I feel like we've kept trying this for months and my brain chemistry has been through so much with a net effect of nothing except that I'm probably worse than I was when this went from bothersome to bad 7 months ago. But I'm also not in the best place to make decisions so my thoughts can easily be changed when I see her.

I guess I'll know next week.