[BeyondtheRainbow]

I just totally overdid it. And I'm feeling even worse than I have been feeling because I'm exhausted and overstimulated and it feels like the depression is just taking over and I can't even fake my way through small things anymore.

My brother (who has Asperger's and can be rather loud and grandiose which is hard for me to cope with when I'm not doing well) came down to make supper for my mom's birthday as a surprise. I really wanted to support this as his doing this is a huge step for him. And it's only a few hours and anyone can do a few hours right? Ha.

3 hours was all it was and part of that I went to the store for milk. I did ask him to talk more quietly once and he tried. But it's not really in his control and I know that; it never has been. But I am completely drained. Exhausted and overwhelmed and the depression feels like it is wrapped around my whole body and is squeezing now so that I can't breathe. I tried so hard to eat the dinner and couldn't even really succeed with that because my appetite is long gone.

I should have left. I should have given up. But I'm tired of feeling like depression is winning. Tomorrow I have therapy again and then my annual physical. So tomorrow probably will again require superpowers to survive, ones that I don't have right now.

4 more days until I see my pdoc...

[vjdragonfly]

RainbowIf you have to take it hour by hour or even minute by minute. Remember to breathe and keep reminding yourself that deep inside you are strong enough to get through this. Bipolar ppl are some of the strongest ppl I know because we go through so much turmoil and yet we keep on going.

[raspberrytorte]

Hugs rainbow. Depression sucks. I can't stand it when I'm depressed. It feels like my insides are crumbling or something. I want you to feel better. I hope your pdoc is able to help! I actually think it's good you tried.

[Yoda]

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I don't know. I'm feeling worse than when I went IP before. I am going to fight as hard as I can to see my own pdoc (who I haven't seen since a few days before I went IP) on Monday before going in. Ideally I need to wait another week after that because of my cats. I've arranged boarding for them but it is so far from ideal for my old, sick girl compared to having my mom spend several hours per day with them. Since either of the 2 treatments I am planning to talk about will mean being away for a while (ECT could be about 4 weeks) I'm terrified that she will die while I'm gone.

It may be that my pdoc will have something else to try OP first. There are 2 options as far as I'm aware and since she didn't do either last week I'm assuming she doesn't want to do them. One is increasing my MAOI to the highest dose possible but they really don't like to do that for some reason that I forget. I briefly had it up there once but for 6 years they've kept me at the middle dose otherwise. The other is increasing my Seroquel which was pretty useless back in the spring. I suppose she could also bring up another mood stabilizer but I don't know what one. And the APs I can take are all risky for EPS and I can't take that again so soon. So I'm not sure she's going to have a hail Mary this time; I really wish she'd said if she did or not but at this point I asked to not change meds until I saw her so the not knowing what she thinks is my fault.

I basically have no idea what will happen except that I want to discuss those treatments seriously and that I need something soon or the depression is going to get even worse.

Not knowing is keeping me awake and that's not helping anything.

I just don't know. Anything.

[NuckingFutz]

I would look at this as a learning opportunity.

Give yourself a break. Not everyone does this the right way the first time.

Hugs to you.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Oh but this is so far from the first time.......

I have a long, long history of being stupid and pushing too hard and making myself sicker. And my poor therapist has been trying to teach me otherwise for almost 10 years now.

I do feel very sorry for him. I'm not good at this "i can't because I don't feel well" thing. Better than I was but still not good.

[jules77]

Have you and your doc discussed TMS at all? It's. Not indicated for bipolar disorder quite yet but some doctors will have their bipolar patients go thru the treatment for the depression and it can be effective still. I have done the treatment. Not entirely amazing, but a difference was made that medications and therapy weren't doing at the time.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Yeah, they aren't doing tms at my hospital yet; they have the thing set up but are waiting for insurance or something. Another one just started by it's almost 2 hours away and I can't drive that every day for the treatments. I live in the middle of nowhere. My pdoc has done research with it and I know feels strongly it is a good treatment but it would have to be a lot closer to work for me. It also would be expensive since I'm on Medicare and outpatient treatments have a 20% copay. If I do ECT I'll be doing as much as possible IP or I won't be doing it (but they seem to do a lot of it IP anyway and I certainly qualify for IP right now).

I wish I could do tms though. I'm glad it worked for you.

[Edgar's Mom]

(((((((Hug))))))))

I know you probably get tired of hearing this but hang in there... We can ride this one out together...

I really hope you get some relief soon.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk