[Keegan2015]

Hey team hope everyone’s doing well. I occasionally post to these forums and for those of you who don’t know me, this is my situation in a nutshell:

Diagnosed with BP 1 back in February and began taking mood stabilizers. Things were going well for a while but in May I had a manic episode that resulted in me being hospitalized. This whole experience really messed with me and I spent most of this summer trying to come back down to baseline (“Am I REALLY bipolar?” “Am I just a loser looking for excuses?” “Should I really be medicated?”). My family thinks that I’m doing better these days and they’re right to a large extent – I’m not freaking out on people and having police called on me. But I feel like the medication has been interfering with my personality. I feel numb and bland and worst of all I feel like I have no creativity or passion.

Traditionally I’ve used art therapy (music and writing, particularly) as a coping strategy but since I wound up in the hospital I’ve had NO creative drive. I haven’t picked up an instrument in months and can’t come up with any ideas for songs, poems, or short stories.

I find myself missing the “spark” that I had before I was medicated. So now I’m running low on my Risperdal prescription and have decided that I’m not going to get it refilled – In fact I’ve decided that I’m going to stop seeing my psychiatrist regularly.

I’m sick of being told that I need “X” drug to keep me stable. Especially when those drugs make me feel unlike my old self and have SUPER fun side effects like rapid weight gain and lack of sex drive.

I forgot where I was going with this – I guess what I’m trying to say is that I miss the highs when everything lately has seemed like a tepid, lukewarm, low.

[Edgar's Mom]

There might be a happy medium where you find the right cocktail and are able to keep your creativity while avoiding the nasty or dangerous parts of mania...

I haven't found stability yet but my options are very limited due to drug sensitivities. However, I've read about others here achieving it and keeping their creativity.

Lithium sapped all of my creativity, sex drive and even dreams, but I've read about other people who find it very helpful, and who find themselves more productive creatively then without it. So I think a lot depends on finding the right medication. The right medication shouldn't take away your creativity.

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[LettinG0]

Please just be careful and self-aware.....taper off of the drugs, don't just stop cold turkey.

Everyone seems to be struggling with taking medication around here these days...

Just take care of yourself and have a plan in place in case it doesn't work out as well as you hope....I know you miss the highs and the creativity.....but cops, and freaking out, and hospitalization does not sound like a good alternative to me, IMO....

[kennyc]

Hmmm....hope all is okay!

[kelseyy.lauren]

I can understand what you mean about missing the highs. BP I with full on mania can be fun(? dont know what to call it), in some way I guess, but it can also be dangerous int hose manic episodes and then the depressive episodes. Getting off of your meds is a "typical" BP behavior and what usually happens is they are considered to come "spiraling down" each time it happens. Meds and their side effects suck, and trust me I COMPLETELY understand the weight gain one. In my opinion you should talk to your Dr before you change anything related to your medication. And as I said before, this is something a lot of people with BP do. My grandmother had BP I and I watched her go in and out of hospitals bc she was off her meds for 14 years until she passed away. Both my parents are psychologists, 2 grandparents are, and 1 grandparent is psychiatrist and they have all said that getting off meds is "typical" for people with BP, and highly not recommended. My psychiatrist thinks I'm BP II but I can't have the diagnosis for insurance reasons. I wish you the bet in whatever decision you make, and even if you do decide to stop taking the meds please talk to your doctor as coming off medication can sometimes be dangerous. Best of luck

[faerie_moon_x]

Be careful and l agree about tapering off.

I just actually am on meds for the first time in a long time now. I've really been off an on them since 2006, due to finances and other reasons. I'm BP II and things have gotten pretty sever for me. I'm only on 300 mg twice a day of lithium now because I'm very sensitive to medicine, but I feel so much better. I've missed a few doses by accident and it's like I rocket back into the danger zone within those 12 hours. But, i don't get euphoria, only dysphoria, and it's gotten really bad.

That's another reason to be careful, you don't know if you've had a change in how your brain handles the bipolar so when you come off it might not be what you expected. Go slowly and take care of yourself.

[Azvixxen]

Keegan - I understand the side effects from meds feel like they are worse than the disease. I have that same worry myself, although at the moment I would kill to feel anything BUT mania because it's not the good kind, it's the crawl out of my skin and run down the street screaming that the world is crazy kind of mania.

As a creative person one of my biggest fears is losing that edge because it has always helped me Deal with the lows. But it seems like a few peeps have been able to find a good combo to keep their creative edge, so I would suggest letting your pdoc know you need help because the side effects are making the mania seem like a better option than the side effects.

Just a suggestion. GL!

[faerie_moon_x]

Oh, I also want to say that I'm working on my novel. I've completely finished writing and rewriting since I started lithium. It's actually easier for me to focus on the editing part now than it was. Also, I still get a lot of ideas for new stories which I've been writing down. (And, also, getting new ideas I don't instantly want to drop what I'm doing to start a new project, never finishing the project I'm on, which is a big mania issue for me, so another added bonus.)

So, maybe you just need a different combo of meds?

[kennyc]

Originally Posted by faerie_moon_x

Oh, I also want to say that I'm working on my novel. I've completely finished writing and rewriting since I started lithium. It's actually easier for me to focus on the editing part now than it was. Also, I still get a lot of ideas for new stories which I've been writing down. (And, also, getting new ideas I don't instantly want to drop what I'm doing to start a new project, never finishing the project I'm on, which is a big mania issue for me, so another added bonus.)

So, maybe you just need a different combo of meds?

Woo-Hoo! You Go Girl!
One of the big keys to being a serious writer is: "Finish what you write!"

[raspberrytorte]

Keegan - Maybe you're on too high of a dose of your meds? I agree with others that medication shouldn't take away your creativity. Good luck!

[raspberrytorte]

Oh, wanted to add that I'm a creative person too, and if anything my meds have helped me focus more. Before I had trouble focusing because my thoughts were weird and all over the place, but now they seem organized, if that makes any sense.

[kennyc]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

Oh, wanted to add that I'm a creative person too, and if anything my meds have helped me focus more. Before I had trouble focusing because my thoughts were weird and all over the place, but now they seem organized, if that makes any sense.

First my apologies to the O.P. don't want to drag this off topic and I do hope we hear back from you!

but....

raspberrytorte, you reminded me of a story I've been searching for that I read but couldn't find and now I have! Your mention of weird and all over the place thoughts made me think of it again. And I found it! Thank you! Thank you! Thank You!

The story is by E.B. White and is called The Second Tree from the Corner and opens like this:

"Ever have any bizarre thoughts?" asked the doctor.
Mr. Trexler failed to catch the word. "What kind?" he said.
"Bizarre," repeated the doctor, his voice steady. He watched his patient for any slight change of expression, any wince.
....

wonderful little story if you can find it....I'm not finding it on line anywhere....and it's definitely fitting in to this forum and this topic as it involves a writer and his psychiatrist.

[kennyc]

Hey I just found a pdf of the story on line - https://thelifelonglearningacademy.c...The-Corner.pdf

Now back to your previously-scheduled thread.

[raspberrytorte]

Thanks kennyc! I'll check it out.