[HALLIEBETH87]

They're back. I'm using my DBT skills to just observe them and not obsess over them or what they might mean but they linger.

I drive and consider serving into a semi but idk why.

I consider finding a gun but idk why.

They suck. I'm not really suicidal just have self harm and dangerous thoughts and urges.

I hope it's not an episode coming. Mostly worsening this small depression I'm in!

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I do this from time to time. Especially the part where you're driving and think "what if I just ran my car off this bridge". Just try and stay calm and practice your skills that tdoc may have taught you. Do you have PRNs for anxiety? I know major anxiety and stress causes my thoughts to get dark like this. Hope you find some relief!

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[Edgar's Mom]

I think this is important to bring up with your pdoc Hallie since it's a change you are noticing. It might be an indicator that you are shifting to another state. When you say "consider" do you mean a "what if" fantasy or is it a compulsion you have to fight? If the latter, I think you should see someone right away.

(((((HUG))))))

[newtothis31]

Part of it may also be the gradual reduction in daylight. I know that it's been hitting me hard.
You may want to bring this up to your p-doc just to be safe.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I started wellbutrin 150mg last month to fight possible SAD.

Its an urge where Im driving and I almost do it. I think why not do it and have to convince myself that's stupid and pass them really quickly to get away. see my pdoc October 29th.

I wish I had an anxiety PRN but I don't. Ive had a lot of anxiety lately.

Im upset my cholesterol has gone up since I started taking zyprexa and my GP was gong to contact my pdoc but I haven't heard anything. My t wrote request for pdoc to call GP about it but still nothing. Im supposed to take 15m but I went down to half of the pill because I don't want to take it anymore. I don't think that's why this is happening though,

I started on zyprexa during a mixed episode and they increased it when I had another mixed episode in july when I held a gun to my head off and on one morning. things have been mostly calm since then, just low grade depression and anxiety.

I get these almost 100% of the time (I mean everyday, not all day everyday)...when my baby brother was born the first thing that flashed through my head was throwing him across the room - WTF?!?! I would obviously NEVER do something so horrible, it just pops into my head - like a flash of 'wouldn't that be so awful'. I get the car swerving thing too, and falling down the stairs, buying a gun, all sorts of weird stuff. Glad no one can see in there.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Me too. Im too afraid to talk to my t about it. I don't want her over reacting.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

Me too. Im too afraid to talk to my t about it. I don't want her over reacting.

I do this too and I am SO blessed to be able to tell my pdoc anything without him overreacting. He is my t these days when I need it also (I see him every 2 weeks when needed) as I no longer see a separate t. He says I know me and I know if I need to be hospitalized. If I am at a point where he thinks I don't recognize it, he would then intervene. Otherwise, he just works me through it with med changes and by letting me read all of the garbage that spills from my brain onto paper.

I am sorry you are going through this. I agree with other posters that you should perhaps notify your team, especially if you find not acting on these compulsions difficult. I also think these very things when I am in a manic or mixed episode. The thoughts can be very distressing. I hope you aren't becoming more depressed and that you are able to overcome this.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by thepterodactyl

I get these almost 100% of the time (I mean everyday, not all day everyday)...when my baby brother was born the first thing that flashed through my head was throwing him across the room - WTF?!?! I would obviously NEVER do something so horrible, it just pops into my head - like a flash of 'wouldn't that be so awful'. I get the car swerving thing too, and falling down the stairs, buying a gun, all sorts of weird stuff. Glad no one can see in there.

I don't intend to belitte what you are saying as I don't think what I am sharing is the same as what you have shared, but your story reminds me of my little girl. She was two years old when my son was born and the first thing out of her little mouth was "can I pinch him?" She was as serious as she could be. Even little kids have bizarre urges sometimes. In this case, as she was only two, we thought it was hilarious.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Originally Posted by cashart10

I do this too and I am SO blessed to be able to tell my pdoc anything without him overreacting. He is my t these days when I need it also (I see him every 2 weeks when needed) as I no longer see a separate t. He says I know me and I know if I need to be hospitalized. If I am at a point where he thinks I don't recognize it, he would then intervene. Otherwise, he just works me through it with med changes and by letting me read all of the garbage that spills from my brain onto paper.

I am sorry you are going through this. I agree with other posters that you should perhaps notify your team, especially if you find not acting on these compulsions difficult. I also think these very things when I am in a manic or mixed episode. The thoughts can be very distressing. I hope you aren't becoming more depressed and that you are able to overcome this.

Thank you. Im worried Im headed toward mixed episode. I don't want it to be though. Ive only been taking half doses on my zyprexa and theyre getting worse. I took the whole dose tonight. I don't see T til next Wednesday and don't see pdoc til the 29th.

[BleakGeek]

I hate it when people think we can control those thoughts and that we shouldn't be thinking that way. Makes me feel like a psychopath or something. If they could only go through it themselves maybe they wouldn't be so judgemental. If only...!

[HALLIEBETH87]

Im drinking hot herbal tea and watching a movie to distract. my mnd is active tonight.

[Edgar's Mom]

Hallie is there some way you can see any member of your team early? I'm worried about you, especially when you describe the struggle you face to NOT give in to the compulsion. One weak moment could be disastrous.

If you are headed for a mixed episode, can you or would you go IP? I'm good at suggesting this to others while resisting it myself :-) Seriously though, compulsions like that are dangerous, as you know.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I'm ok. Just gonna hang out at home today with my kitty cat

[99 FAIRIES]

I was just talking about this with my mom today and she said these thoughts come from satan or as she puts it "the evil one". I wanted to slap her. she needs to educate herself on mental illness.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by 99 FAIRIES

I was just talking about this with my mom today and she said these thoughts come from satan or as she puts it "the evil one". I wanted to slap her. she needs to educate herself on mental illness.

Sounds just like something my dad would say. If he spent 10 min in my head, oh man.

[tipper1492]

Thoughts in the Bipolar brain can be found by Google Searching "How a person with Bipolar thinks." Article at top of the page. I found it interesting, and eased my mind to understand what I was thinking at times was normal. We are OCD among other things listed there. Many of our thoughts would be very difficult to control, unless perhaps we were being busy at some other task.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by tipper1492

Thoughts in the Bipolar brain can be found by Google Searching "How a person with Bipolar thinks." Article at top of the page. I found it interesting, and eased my mind to understand what I was thinking at times was normal. We are OCD among other things listed there. Many of our thoughts would be very difficult to control, unless perhaps we were being busy at some other task.

Any way you can post the link here? I'm sure it's very helpful to a lot of ppl here. Thank you for finding it!

[HALLIEBETH87]

Well I fought a stupid awful migraine today that kept me in bed for a good while. My kitty cat has stuck close to me which I love and I went to a church service with some friends which I loved.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Wellll I woke up super early than I needed to and my mind has been racing craazzy all morning! Already had breakfast and sipping my coffee!! I'm so happy!!!

It's flipping 28 degrees outside and we don't have heat on! Brrrr

[HALLIEBETH87]

Now I'm just flipping annoyed at everyone andveverything

[HALLIEBETH87]

Today's been Rocky, I'm so pissed and sad and mind racing all st once

Intrusive thoughts for me are everyday regardless of mood state - but worse in times of stress and anxiety. Hallie, you know you, some posters in this thread obviously have no clue! (Not you cash )I know how scary it is to think you will act on them - but how often have you and how often have you been able to let them pass without incident? Try to remember that

[HALLIEBETH87]

I just make myself drive faster on the interstate to get away from big trucks and urges but boy theyre really strong this time.

Ive considered calling for phone coaching but I don't want to appear weak or in crisis. Im just having an off week not really an episode. Ive been trying to use my DBT skills.

I just had a really sucky day. I think a good nights sleep might be helpful for me.

[Annie85]

I have this too. From what I have read online it is not that uncommon. I have only talked to a few people about it, my husband, my doctor and my brother who has depression. For some reason it is usually violent images and thoughts, or sexually extreme or taboo thoughts that you have no interest in doing but they come into your mind unbidden. It also includes thinking of impulsive actions that you would not do, like the car swerving example or standing up and swearing in church, stabbing someone, hurting a child, etc. The difference from compulsions is that you would never do them, and in fact they are very disturbing to you. I had this very bad in the past. The thing that really wears me out however, is the intrusive thoughts I have after social interactions. I can come home from a gathering and feel like it was fun and in a few hours I have memories forming that I embarrassed myself by saying stupid and insensitive things, had weird mannerisms, and then complete self-loathing takes over. My husband assures me that everything was totally fine and that my friends love me and think I am smart, funny, sensitive and that I acted completely appropriate. But it does not match with my internal version. I had a job interview on Friday that immediately after I thought went great, I celebrated on Friday night and then spent all weekend crying because of thinking of things I said or did that were stupid and embarrassing in the interview. I feel like I don't even care if I get the job or not, all I care about is if they thought I seemed ridiculous and stupid. (I have a 30 year career in a professional field and a master's degree!) My thinking is so distorted I cannot trust my perceptions or instincts at all.