[B2008]

Misdiagnosed x8 years. Finally started meds for bipolar one month ago. Now I see myself clearly for the first time in a long long time! My husband is my rock we have 4 kids, I stay home with the youngest two. Really a great life, and then there's the elephant. Now the biggest fear I have is really seeing myself. Knowing the racing thoughts and fantasies are far more than crazy. They are disgusting, violent, unimaginable in a normal human brain. How do I deal with this? I have no shame with being bipolar. I'm the first to say hey I'm crazy, actually that's one of the first things I told my amazing husband 8 years ago. But now now I know the difference. I can see it, feel it. I've told him a few things. Things that I would never act on but they are there still the same. Do I push through and talk about the morbidity. The little I have told I feel much better about. But will a normal person be able to carry this burden? This is all so new. I have no fear he will take advantage of my illness, he is the angel on my shoulder. But will he feel the shame of it? Do others with bipolar have these thoughts or am I dealing with something entirely different. I just don't know where to turn for the answer. Can someone please help!

[Calypso2632]

I'd honestly say get a T and share it out with them. They are trained and equipped to hear and handle our baggage. It's great that hubby is your angel. My hubby is mine too. But I have no access to a T and I feel I've placed too big a burden sharing all my crazy with him where he has no training to deal with it all. I need to vent but maybe on here more and not so much to him.

[B2008]

What do u mean by t?

[B2008]

I am supposed to see a psychiatrists and I actually have medical training and understand about a malfunctioning brain but that doesn't make it easier. Plus with 4 kids one adhd one dealing with depression. And two toddlers it's very hard to focus on my needs. I will get there but until then I guess I just need to know if it's a common problem? Is it a stigma to talk about even with others with mental illness?

[Calypso2632]

A T is a therapist.

[Calypso2632]

It's safe to talk and share about your mental illnesses here.

I'm interested to know what the misdiagnosis was and whether you wre medicated for it. Some medication can have disasterous consequences on a bipolar individual (ie. some depressants when given to a bipolar person without a mood stabilizer can cause some pretty itense reactions).

Secondly, you have mentioned your diagnosis is new; only a month old. Give it some more time. Some meds take 6-12 weeks before noticing their effects.

Get a therapist. Your psychiatrist can help. If you or your husband have an EAP (employee assistance plan) would be really helpful.

[B2008]

I had been out of a really bad 9 year relationship for a year and still experiencing a lot of anxiety attacks, depression and self destructive behaviors. This was 2007. I married a wonderful man whom I knew since childhood 2008 and everything was perfect ( still is) except my symptoms. Several docs insisted depression and I went through 2 years of different meds antidepressants and anti anxieties. They made it worse from the start but with doctors insistence we (my husband who I include in all my craziness and I) pushed on for two miserable years before giving up. The meds I remember- Prozac, sevaila, busbar, Ativan, Xanax, valume, celexa, lexapro I had a lot of bad reactions but docs played it off as side effects. I've had a really great doctor for about a year now and after a really bad episode that left me stairing at our gun cabinet with an almost carnal need to pull the trigger I knew it was time. Plus my father was finally diagnosed bp a few months prior so I had an idea my gut feeling was right all these years. I took my husband in to help me explain symptoms which was the best decision! I was referred to psychiatrist and started on depakote. I feel so much better and can't believe I've gone all these years without. So the meds are working great it's just now realizing all the things I've done, said, feel, the morbid thoughts. I have so much shame over them. I always thought it was normal now I see myself clearer I know it's not. It just opens up all new issues and I wonder if it's normal for bp to have really really bad and discusting self deprecating thoughts. I'm a wife and a mother of four. It just can't be right. Will they go away with the meds?

[Unrigged64072835]

I used to feel shame about what happened before I was diagnosed. However, it's not helping me with my treatment. I had to learn to give compassion to myself during those times, realizing that I was in the grip of a disease that affected my brain. It took some work in therapy, and I still cringe sometimes, but I'm better at not letting the thoughts take over my brain.

[B2008]

It kind of ironic when you know there's a chemical imbalance you know the mechanics of it all and that there will never be a normal brain inside but it's still so hard to look at yourself and say it's ok. Compassion is easy unless directed at ourselves. Thank you for your responses. I will make an attempt to see a psychiatrist. I definitely don't want my husband to bear so much of my burden.

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

I can totally relate. I was just diagnosed back in June. I've always been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety (including intrusive thoughts). The thoughts are just thoughts. I guarantee your husband knows that otherwise he wouldn't still be with you. My husband is my angel as well. I've told him tons of stuff but he is unique. At one time he was getting his masters in counseling. He knew what was real and what wasn't. I look back on all the destructive things I've done while manic and I'm sick over it. Literally sick! However, Fharraige is right, we must have compassion for ourselves. It wasn't me doing those things. I've cheated, I've had two DWI's, and treated my DH horribly during the worst times of it all. It wasn't until he went with me in June and described what happens before a manic episode that my psychiatrist look incredulous and knew exactly what it was! I had been on Cymbalta for 7 years and found out it can cause mania. I'm now off of it and only on Lamictal and Xanax. I tried Lithium and Depakote and couldn't take them. Plus, I put on 24 pounds since June because of them! Ugh!

I would say to give yourself about 2-3 months and see how you are doing before deciding if you want to share everything with your husband. Remember that right now your brain chemistry is all over the place until you are stabilized.

Hugs

[B2008]

Thank you our stories are very similar and it's so relieving to know we are not alone. Though it would be nice if none of us suffered. My father was on cymbalta for a while and it really messed him up. 2 years later he's still a mess. Bp also newly diagnosed. I've read ssri's can permanently damage the brain of a bp patient. I have a small medical background medication technician in nursing home 6 years. I stay home got past three with little ones. After researching and gathering info it blows me away that doctors actually diagnose mental illnesses. Though in some cases it can be a life saver it's still scary. Hashi/bipolar mom, do you think the cymbalta had a lasting negative impact on you?

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

Originally Posted by B2008

Thank you our stories are very similar and it's so relieving to know we are not alone. Though it would be nice if none of us suffered. My father was on cymbalta for a while and it really messed him up. 2 years later he's still a mess. Bp also newly diagnosed. I've read ssri's can permanently damage the brain of a bp patient. I have a small medical background medication technician in nursing home 6 years. I stay home got past three with little ones. After researching and gathering info it blows me away that doctors actually diagnose mental illnesses. Though in some cases it can be a life saver it's still scary. Hashi/bipolar mom, do you think the cymbalta had a lasting negative impact on you?

I really hope not, but after being on it so long, it possibly could. I will NEVER go back on an SSRI without doing tons of research first. Since being off of it the past 6 weeks (weaned for 4 months!), I've noticed that I'm actually not as depressed or fatigued! Go figure! I am however, angry. I can lose my temper at the drop of a hat. I seem to feel agitated all the time, but I'm hoping that goes away with time. The only thing that I do miss is not being achy. I didn't realize how much it helped with physical pain (arthritis, etc). I've been on Lamictal the same amount of time but we're hoping with the Cymbalta being gone, that just it will help. I have to wean off the xanax next (only take 1mg a day) because of the DWI court sentencing. I'm scared out of my mind, because of panic attacks, etc.
My p-doc is not happy about it one bit! So, in another month, it will just be Lamictal. This is the first time in 7 years that I've been on so little medicine.

I'm hoping the Depakote works for you! My p-doc recommends Lithium first, but if you can't take it, Depakote is her next choice! Good luck!