[HALLIEBETH87]

I finally got sleep last night-10 hours worth! But I had a horrible nightmare of s gunman and he put it to my head. I'm terrified of guns and it sets off PTSD stuff. I'm hoping this doesn't happen again!!!!

[HALLIEBETH87]

Why are there guns everywhere? :"( I get on FB even and theres all kinds. I cant handle this

[Crazy Hitch]

(((Hallie)))

[Mountainbard]

Glad you got some sleep but sorry about the nightmare. This is definitely a gun-obsessed culture. Hope you feel better soon.

[gayleggg]

️

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[HALLIEBETH87]

Thanks. I'm doing ok now.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I am sorry about the dream. I have a PTSD thing about guns too and agree they are everywhere.

I had weird dreams (not nightmares always just more frequent and vivid dreams) on remeron.

Glad you slept!

[Lost_in_the_woods]

[HALLIEBETH87]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I am sorry about the dream. I have a PTSD thing about guns too and agree they are everywhere.

I had weird dreams (not nightmares always just more frequent and vivid dreams) on remeron.

Glad you slept!

Yea I've had very vivid dreams in it but this is first nightmare

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I've had a lot of trouble with nightmares in the past (I used to have panic attacks in my sleep) and I was on Remeron before the PTSD therapy that made most of them end. There wasn't an increase in nightmares at all, just dreams. I had a sleep study a few years ago that showed I have about 20% of normal REM sleep so dream very little but on Remeron that was different.

Remeron was this magic medicine for me though. I was put on it while it was still really new and was on and off it for a number of years, a lot of them before I was diagnosed. I know it makes no sense for an AD to do this but I am pretty sure that it worked as a mood stabilizer for me. I think it got me through grad school and into a job and established there and then I changed meds and the bipolar became a serious problem.

How is the Rexulti going?

[Pastel Kitten]

I hate guns. I flinch horribly seeing them in any kind of movie.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

I hate guns. I flinch horribly seeing them in any kind of movie.

I saw three cops the other day with guns and panicked

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I almost shoplifted once because a cop came in and got in line in front of me and I was so panicked I almost ran out of the store carrying my bottle of water and candy bar. I then could just picture trying to explain that I wasn't shoplifting $2.00 of stuff when I had a $10 bill in my hand but I was afraid of the cop (who was from my town and I knew was a very nice man). PTSD is nasty stuff. I'm so glad that my therapist happened to get trained in a treatment for it and that it worked for me after some hard months of work and pain.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I almost shoplifted once because a cop came in and got in line in front of me and I was so panicked I almost ran out of the store carrying my bottle of water and candy bar. I then could just picture trying to explain that I wasn't shoplifting $2.00 of stuff when I had a $10 bill in my hand but I was afraid of the cop (who was from my town and I knew was a very nice man). PTSD is nasty stuff. I'm so glad that my therapist happened to get trained in a treatment for it and that it worked for me after some hard months of work and pain.

The strangest thing is I'm terrified if them but my suicidal thoughts manifest on them

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I have never gone there with suicidal thoughts. In fact this summer my family dr. asked if I had guns around and I had a really strong reaction because it's so far off my radar.

But maybe it is the scariest thing to go with the scariest way to die? It might even be protective for you if it keeps you away from them. Still, I would be pretty freaked out of I started thinking about them that way, I'll admit. My desire to run far away keeps that danger away for me. Pills are my danger zone.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I have never gone there with suicidal thoughts. In fact this summer my family dr. asked if I had guns around and I had a really strong reaction because it's so far off my radar.

But maybe it is the scariest thing to go with the scariest way to die? It might even be protective for you if it keeps you away from them. Still, I would be pretty freaked out of I started thinking about them that way, I'll admit. My desire to run far away keeps that danger away for me. Pills are my danger zone.

I've of on pills twice.... I went as far in July as to find my uncles and hold it to my head and in my mouth. I was in an ugly mixed episode. Ugly ugly

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I've been fortunate enough that the one time I was close to an attempt I somehow got myself to a hospital and after that was on really strict precautions until I was much safer (2 1/2 years of supervision with meds...). Because I have worked in healthcare and have a lot of training with meds my drs. worry that any attempted OD is going to be fatal, even if I am just being impulsive. So they watch really closely, especially b/c with patient assistance I have a lot of meds available (3 month supplies of meds I take in high doses). Mostly I'm very afraid and so have managed to get help every time I scared myself before it got beyond just being scary.Suicide wasn't a big issue for me until about 3 years ago and since then I've fought with it a lot and am still under some of the precautions they decided on before I came home from the hospital 3 years ago New Year's eve. At least I'm allowed to shave my legs again . There was a time I wasn't even allowed that. Well, I was told to get an electric razor but the one I bought didn't shave so much as it pulled the hairs out by the roots and it didn't last very long before being thrown out with tears. So I just didn't shave for a month until they decided I could have one razor.

I know my therapist has been very afraid that I would harm myself with this long depression. I've been feeling so angry at myself/hating myself and also feeling hopeless and it was scaring him. But I haven't really felt that way since summer when I had a lot of med changes and wound up IP. Struggling some now though. Blech.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I saw my t the next day and it all came out. I ended up ip. First he asked me to agree to safety so I could stay home but I couldn't contract. Then he said he didn't wanna make my choices for me about going ip. Then he asked if I wanted him to. Eventually he asked me to go straight to ip.

I was there 11 days.

This time last yr I was ip then again in February then July. Hoping for a ip free yr this coming yr!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I hope you get that too. I'm going to be going in about Jan 1 to go off Seroquel and on Clozaril so definitely (unless a miracle happens in the next few weeks) won't be a hospital-free year for me. But only one in 2015 and it as 2 1/2 years until that. The one 2 1/2 years ago was my long, over Christmas stay. I went in about a week before but somehow they didn't realize how suicidal I was. I finally wrote a note to the nurse when they were about to send me home and suddenly was on line-of-sight and all kinds of unpleasantness for 24 hours until I saw the pdoc. And then I was settled in for a long stay through Christmas. It was boring and weird to be there at Christmas because it is so the opposite of Christmas. They made it as nice as they could, even gave us gifts, but it was just sad. It saved my life and I'm glad I was there but hope to never repeat that.

One of the several reasons I asked to wait out another month on the clozaril was that I don't want to be IP for Christmas again, especially this year which will be the first of having 3 Christmases for my 6 person family thanks to my brother's actions and probation. I couldn't stand having my mom sitting alone Christmas eve or dealing with Christmas in a restaurant with my brother by herself.

I am not looking forward to the about 2 weeks I'll be in there in January. I'll probably turn 40 there and the dr who has been my hospital dr every time I've ever been in left a month ago so I'll have someone different. The other dr is excellent and I'll miss him. But at least I'll finally get a new treatment that hopefully will help.

And after that hopefully no more hospitalizations for a long time since I have no idea how I'll pay the medical bills I'll have accumulated from the 2 IP stays in 6 months.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Well I've been ip 10 times since fall 2012.