Dealing with shame about being on SSDI

I agree.


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Dealing with psychosis, trying to raise kids and hold down a 9-5 is not possible for all of us. It's wonderful that you decide to push your mental state to the edge. It's not fair to my kids to keep having episode after episode and going in the hospital just to try to please judgmental people like you. I've worked since I was 16 which was before my onset (BP1, schizoaffective and anxiety) at the age of 36. I have a BS. I did not get student loans just to one day decide I did not want to work anymore. I would earn a hell of a lot more using my degree than I will be getting on SSDI (I was just approved). Yes there are people that can manage there condition without medication. They are the lucky ones. Do you think others like swallowing pills everyday?? Do you think others like trying different meds constantly just to find that one cocktail that will work?? No we do not, we do these things because our condition (symptoms) are that bad we can barely function. For your information SS ask these questions. They do not make getting benefits a walk in the park. SSDI is not welfare but people act like it is. It's money that we "paid" in while working. Oh let me give you a tip that elders have told me, symptoms get worse as we age. So your psychosis will not get better. Have a lovely day


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My husband says he's a freelance web designer.

You remind me quite a lot of a former version of myself, honestly.

There have been multiple throughout my life when I should have been hospitalized, but I wasn't. I was abandoned and my life was train-wrecked. There have been multiple times when I should have been on disability.

However, I was raised in an extremely (irrationally so) proud and conservative family background. People on welfare were "moochers, leeches, fakers" and well you get the idea. Needing help was unacceptable, shameful, wrong. And everyone was expected to keep hush-hush about "shameful" things like mental illness, substance addiction, etc. Just pray to Jesus if you want help, and suck it up. Several members of my family should have been on medication, in therapy or on disability a long time ago. But that's not how we roll. My great-grandfather didn't need help. he needed The Lord. Well he shot himself in the head in front of his family because the voices drove him to the brink. Nobody talks about that, either, it's "shameful".

Well I carried all of this fear and pride and paranoia and severe stubborn pathology into my adulthood, of course constantly reinforced by my family all along the way. I suffered and was miserable and crazy and barely hobbling along, but hey I was doing it. Couldn't drive, couldn't hold down a job for very long, couldn't function, but hey I walked an hour to work in 15 degree weather, survived my shift, then went home and cried, smoked some weed and cried some more, had a major panic attack and then repeated it all the next day.

And truth be told yes I did feel judgemental towards people on disability for a time in my life. But deep down I was jealous, jealous of their ability to be vulnerable, that it was OKAY for them to not only be vulnerable and need help, but that they then received that help - from ALL OF SOCIETY - while meanwhile my own mother couldn't care less if I died in the streets. I was jealous on many levels.. I wanted the emotional freedom, I wanted to be able to ask for help, I wanted to receive help. But it just wasn't acceptable.

In retrospect I can tell you that I was a fool.

Even though I'm old enough to say I retired early, I still don't like the idea of being on disability. I was raised to work until you're 65 and then retire.

However, I paid for SSDI out of my SS taxes, so I'm entitled to it for as long as I need it. With the route that my mental illness has taken me, it may be quite a while. I have other issues besides bipolar that affect my capability to even walk outside the door alone, much less hold a 9-5 job. Would I rather go back to work? Sure, but I have limitations and I would rather find a job that accommodates them than take any job and send myself back to the hospital.

I don't see disability as an easy way out. It's a lifeline that I need for now and I may need for a long time.

I am seriously considering applying for SSDI myself. I feel ashamed and a failure just for considering it. I feel like I'm giving up. But I've tried working again and I honestly can't handle it anymore. My Tdoc and partner both feel it may be a good option. But like all of you I hate the where do you work/do questions. Those of you who have applied did you get a lawyer first? I'm considering it because I don't know if I can deal with all the stress myself since I don't have a clue how it all works.

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My doctor gave me the paper work...I think. It s a fuzzy time of my life. I know my pdoc and T kept bringing it up and I finally told them I'd apply but if they said no that was it no appeals. I think they might have submitted it, not sure.

I simply tell people that I am a freelance web designer after 30 years of corporate America. No need for shame, we earned our right to Social Security.

I did not use a lawyer and I was approved in I think 11 weeks, something like that. But I am an occupational therapist and so the paperwork was not different than what I had spent my adult life filling out. You have to do the paperwork with the mindset that you are emphasizing what you cannot do, not talking about what you can do, and what you talk about what you can do you need to clarify what makes it very difficult and what adaptations you need to do it.

My thoughts going in was no lawyer for the first part and if I had to appeal I'd find one. I honestly don't know if I would recommend either way; as I said I spent many years filling out similar government paperwork.

To do it alone you need a certain degree of organization. I was very sick when I applied and had to work very hard at that but I listed every dr I had seen as far back as it let me go, pretty much no matter why I'd seen them (I think I left out one family dr who treated me for 2 sinus infections), my time with vocational rehab, every hospitalization, every single detail they asked for I gave as much detail as I could so that they had massive amounts of paperwork.

They sent the paperwork to my therapist and he was the only dr. to fill anything out as far as I know. His paperwork went in and a week or 2 later I was approved. The same went for my review this summer.

I also did a massive amount of research before and while filing. I learned every trick I could find. I like doing that kind of thing; if you don't I'd recommend an attorney.

I say that I used to practice law (lawyer) but I now retired and do volunteer work (which I do).

I just say I'm a retired RN. Which I am...I just retired early is all. I'm 57 so it's not too far-fetched.

As for SSDI, I do NOT consider it welfare. I paid into the system for over 35 years and earned those benefits.

Hi, I did a search of disability and guilt and guess what came up... I'm going to be 60 this year so some of the rationalization I do is that I'm almost near retirement, but I still feel like I'm not entitled should be ashamed. I'm doing some teaching and music engagement but depression or is it laziness/witlessness that is keeping me paralyzed. Can you relate to this ?
Suet all I refuse to lose my sense of humor or give up on my belief that love conquers all.