[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm confused. I brought up a new thing in therapy today, something I actually put together weeks ago but never shared with my therapist. It is definitely a big part of my depression and is also affecting my ability to cope with everything.

At this point I am supposed to start tapering my Seroquel soon after Christmas with the plan to be admitted around the first of January for the taper and starting clozaril. I don't know the exact timing yet; I see my pdoc the 21st.

But I feel like we need to finish this in therapy before I'm going through huge med changes. I'm not going to be doing well for a few months probably and so it's not like I'll be able to go back to this as soon as I get out of the hospital.

So now I'm leaning toward delaying the taper/admission a little longer to finish this therapy topic. My therapist seems to support the idea. I want to come out of this with the best ability to fight depression possible. We did a depression test today that has been done several times since summer and I remain severely depressed, a little worse than last time we did it in October. Some of the depression is because of the things we are discussing now (and have been for a few months with a break to get all difficult the last few weeks).

Does it sound like I'm doing something ridiculous if I delay the Clozaril for a few more weeks for therapy? Or that I'm just trying to get out of Clozaril? My pdoc will tell me if she thinks I have to do it now (she'll be fine with waiting; I'm the same as I have been for a long time) but I really think I want to have a few weeks with my therapist before I go and mess up everything in my brain. But I also would like to defer this forever if I could. I also want to get it over with but feel strongly that the therapy piece is important. I don't know what to do.

[Skeezyks]

Hello BeyondtheRainbow: My perspective is that it is best to follow the advice of the mental health professionals in your life. Good luck with this process!

[wildflowerchild25]

I do understand what you mean, but tbh you're looking for any reason to delay clozaril. You've been delaying it for one reason or another for months now. But at the same time if you are pretty much the same, even though it is pretty bad, then waiting even longer isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's up to you how long you want to put up with this (assuming the clozaril works for you, which I hope it does). If you're ok with the status quo for another month or so to work on your issue in therapy then go for it.

[Nammu]

Sometimes therapy works better when the meds are right...the cognitive process is much harder when you are that depressed.

[raspberrytorte]

I don't see why waiting a little bit longer would be bad, if you have something you want to work through in therapy. I don't know why not.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

You're right. Some of the delays have been valid, hoping my pdoc would get samples of something when there did seem to be a chance. But you are quite correct that I'm avoiding this. And I hadn't really thought of it that way. I think my depressed brain just keeps thinking that I just keep marching along the best I can and something will happen. That something is obviously not happening or my depression inventory would be even one point better than before.

I see my pdoc a week from today. I think that she is usually off the week after Christmas and I can't start tapering while she is off. So that gives me a little time with my therapist although that time will be taken with coping with Christmas probably. From there I guess I need to get input from both doctors and either take a few extra weeks for therapy or not. Looking at the calendar I may be able to do the therapy before my pdoc is back to work anyway as long as Christmas isn't too bad and if I do an extra session or two. It also depends on how slowly my pdoc has me taper the Seroquel while I'm home. If we go relatively slowly that will give me more time before i have to go in.

So I guess I need to just wrap my mind around this is it and do it. I used to be afraid of the clozaril. Now i'm afraid of the Seroquel taper, especially if I also have to come off klonopin too. I missed one day of meds last month and was so sick. I don't really want to deal with going off the meds. The last time I had to come completely off something I had been on a long time and really needed (but it wasn't working) was when I went on my MAOI and that taper was horrible. By the end I was sitting with my patient who could be frustrating thinking "I hate my life. Why am I wasting my life doing this? I hate it, I hate myself, I hate everything". And while I didn't love treating that one patient I did love what I was doing, very much so, but I had just gotten past being able to work. Work isn't an issue now but the memories of that taper make the word "taper" scary. Oh well.

Gotta do things that aren't fun sometimes and I've got to end this episode.

thanks

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I do understand what you mean, but tbh you're looking for any reason to delay clozaril. You've been delaying it for one reason or another for months now. But at the same time if you are pretty much the same, even though it is pretty bad, then waiting even longer isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's up to you how long you want to put up with this (assuming the clozaril works for you, which I hope it does). If you're ok with the status quo for another month or so to work on your issue in therapy then go for it.

[wiretwister]

I really don't know what is best hun , but I love you , support your decisions, and just want you to get better , I have had a upturn and am doing well I so wish I could share that with you ... peace and love to you .... Tigger .