[poetrynerd]

I had a fine childhood. No abuse, no neglect, everyone is still here. Dad never left, mom never left. The only bad part about my childhood was me constantly being angry and irritable and kicking thing and hitting things and yelling. But I liked it. I love getting angry. It just relieves a lot of stress for me, and I also remember parental arguments, but everyone hears that. I was never really bullied, just the occasional big kid picking on little kid type thing. I mean it didn't feel good to be picked on but I pulled through. That was in 5th grade. I'm 16 years old now.

I used to be suicidal and self-harm. Now I don't. But when I self-harm, it was usually just to draw blood and out of boredom. I would do it when I had periods of where I felt numb. Nowadays, I feel numb at least 85% of the time. The only emotions I feel are extreme hyperness, or being angry. I guess its always been that way for me my entire life.

Then school started back after the break and the fantasies got more violent, I started getting deeply interested in serial killers and school shootings. I highly admire Eric and Dylan from columbine and Manson. I admire dark things in general, always have.

But lately, I've gotten another urge, the urge to commit crimes? Like shoplifting. It´s gotten so strong that I've started shoplifting. Not anything I even wanted, just random stuff.

But one urge I've gotten lately kinda concerns me. I get completely random urges to hurt animals. My cat was in my room and I was looking at her and there was a thumbtack on the floor and a voice popped in my head saying "Stab the cat in the side with the thumbtack". Now I'm NOT schizophrenic, the voice was my own internal voice. It didn't sound like it was coming from outside of me. But it concerns me because I love animals, especially my cat.

I've gotten urges that are so bad to where I almost went downstairs, grabbed a knife, and killed my mother. But luckily I didn't. It feels like It would feel good to do it, but I really don't want to hurt anyone.

I've actually picked out people who I think would be easier targets to kill, with less of a chance of me getting caught, and ways to kill them. I fantasize about torture all the time.

I'm getting worried that I might be crazy. Please help?

[cmorales]

Given that you are sixteen, ordinarily I'd say to tell your parents and see if they will take you to see a therapist or psychiatrist, but the things you said are pretty extreme, so I might even go so far as to say go to the ER and tell them what's going on. Better to go to the ER now than go to prison for doing something terrible when you know, now, that you have a problem.

Just walk in and tell the receptionist you are mentally unstable and need to see a doctor. When you tell them that you are having thoughts of harming others, they should keep you and get you in to see a doctor. I hope.

If and or when you do see a doctor, be completely honest with them about everything going on.

Agree with this 100% ^.

[scatterbrained04]

Possible trigger:

I can understand this. When I was your age I would often think about school shootings. I'd plan them in my head. I knew in my heart, though, that I could never do such things.

I would have to agree with the other two posters. You may need to go to hospital. Homicidal urges are nothing to play around with. It's better to take extreme measures now than to do something you will regret.

I think you need to go to the hospital.

How do you know that you aren't without a doubt Skitzophrenic? You still heard a voice tell you to do something. Skitzophrenics also have internal voices by the way....I've asked one once because the voices that I hear are internal- but I'm not skitzo myself, they are variations of my own voice, though.

You aren't a bad person because you are here seeking advice and help. A psycho- social- path wouldn't even care. You have feelings for your cat which means that you care. Please seek help and treatment for what's been leading you.

It can be possible that you've built up an identity that you are accustomed too that served your purpose like you said, to deal with anger and stress as a coping skill, but now that it's taken it a step too far, you are ready to step back, but the identity part wants to move forward. This is just a guess because I have an identity problem myself.

Seek treatment to find the real you because you are asking. You need to retrain the brain!