rebel with a backpack

I am packing to go to the hospital. I'm tired of having piles of stuff laid out in my living room. I'm trying to get things neat before I go and that is not helping at all.

My hospital in the past has made a big thing about wanting one small bag. That's harder for me for 2 reasons. One is that I'm too far from home for someone to easily bring me something I need or even to come visit. The other is that I sleep with a weighted blanket. I have a small one (compared to my usual anyway) that weighs 10 lbs that I take to the hospital with me. The problem with it is that it takes up half the space in a small bag. And while I usually fight and tug and squish things into the bag right now it is winter and it is cold there even in summer and I'm bringing warm clothes. I froze the whole time I was there in August and am not repeating that mistake (I wore the same jacket for 6 days straight without washing it or anything). Therefore my clothes take up more space even taking 3 outfits (sweat pants, tshirt, sweatshirt for each day). I'm taking some comfort items like a deck of cards and a few books I know I can read even when things are really bad (children's books). And a box of tea bags because their tea is not good and since I've been sick I've been drinking a lot of tea.

So after trying to pack and stuff things in I made a big decision. My backpack fits inside my suitcase when not in use. Therefore it doesn't affect their storage in any way. And so I am rebelling and taking a backpack with my 2 blankets in it. And I will not feel bad about this.

I also emailed my pdoc to see if I might catch her that way...unlikely but if she happens to sign onto email tonight she might see it. I said what I'll say in a voicemail as well, that I really need to know what is happening, even if it that answer is not much, because the anxiety is becoming overwhelming and with a mixed episode already going it's becoming too much to handle easily. I didn't get an auto-response which gives me hope that she's checking this weekend. Hard to know until I do or do not get an answer.

I don't see how they can complain especially since the blankets will be spread on the bed when your not using them...its not as if you are bringing a whole 2 weeks worth of clothes, just enough for 3 days. hospitals are always freezing. I think your lucky to have a hospital that allows you to bring your own blankets. The ones here don't allow that or pillows.

Beyond the rainbow, it looks like you have a thought out plan and a good one. I wish you well in your stay and in getting better. Make the most of it, be warm and comfortable... tc and come back soon... or visit us on line while in there... blessings

I heard back from my pdoc and my very good plans may not work out as well as hoped. I have always been on a mood disorder unit where I had a lot of freedom compared to many units. This time because there is not a dr in charge of that unit after the former one left it looks like I won't be going there. And I told her that if it helps even though I do not want to go to one of the general units that I would, esp. one that lets me be a little closer to home. But doing that will change the rules. I have no idea if they'll let me have my weighted blanket. I can only hope I will be allowed to have my books and cards.

And it sounds like there hasn't been communication about getting me in yet so I have no idea when anything will happen. I guess I misunderstood my pdoc. Who apologized that I've felt that I didn't know what was going on an told me she doesn't want me to feel that nobody cares. I know she does, I just somehow (aka mixed episode) keep thinking I understand one thing from her and then I am wrong. IT's hardly the first time I've been wrong about something when mixed but it's still so hard b/c I just want to get this over with and even though I'm willing to be elsewhere I just want to be where I know the nurses and routine. If I go where she's thinking it's like a 6 bed unit so it will be even smaller and quieter probably than my 10 bed unit (although I once had a roommate who came up from that unit and she'd had a roommate admitted for sleep issues who screamed in her sleep like she was being killed....that would turn into me being a sobbing puddle outside the door even if I weren't feeling bad.). We'll see what happens. Maybe the dr on that unit will say he thinks he should be on the usual one. I just hope SOMEONE says SOMETHING and fast. I can't believe I spent last week waiting for things to happen that weren't even set into motion.

Ugh. Just so tired. Hated being mixed b/c I can't trust my thoughts and don't know how I really feel. Maybe tomorrow I'll finally know. This week is extra fun b/c I don't have a ride Wednesday or Friday. I guess we'll deal with that as it comes.