[BeyondtheRainbow]

I tacked this on to another post yesterday so a quick re-cap: I finally connected with my pdoc last night and it turns out the reason nothing happened last week was that I had misunderstood and nothing was happening at all. I think she isn't completely sure what to do b/c the unit I go to usually doesn't have a dr. in charge of it right now and I think she thinks I need someone consistently through however long I am there (there are 5 drs. rotating weeks). I can't really argue with that. I thought she was contacting them as a group about what to do but apparently I misheard that (I have been so mixed and was that day in her office that I miss out on things). So she finally decided to contact the dr in charge of this transitional unit that is only 6 beds and mostly like the unit I'm used to except without a computer to see what he'd say. And that's the last I know.

She was really nice and acknowledged that I'd been left hanging and had not gotten responses to messages. I just wish she were able to respond enough to tell me that something is now in the works or not. I told her not knowing what is happening is very hard and she acknowledged that but I'm back to not knowing again. I know if the dr didn't answer or she doesn't know anything it's a waste of her time to get back to me but this is so stressful.

I was up at 3AM panicking that I needed to get my bills set up to auto-pay and doing that and then was up until 5 AM. Again. It's becoming routine and I am going to pay in the hospital when they pull the seroquel and make the insomnia worse. I'm so tired that I was worrying about my ability to drive on the way home from my therapist. I drive when exhausted all the time and very rarely am concerned about safety.

I just want to get in there. Friday is my 40th birthday and I'm fine with being IP for my birthday. I've known it was likely for a long time. But I don't really want to sign voluntary committment papers on my 40th birthday. Somehow that seems wrong.

And once again in tears......this time it was a facebook post from my cousin.......so sick of mood swings......so sick of it all.

Beyond the Rainbow, hang in there, it does get better. Once in IP it will be a safe haven for you while they work things out. Try not to be anxious just let life happen for you. It is one day at a time that we all take... tc and blessings

[BeyondtheRainbow]

thanks omegaland. This is a difficult situation b/c it's not just a routine hospitalization. I'm going in to rapidly go off 1200 mgs of Seroquel (an enormous dose) and get started on Clozaril which interacts with Seroquel. So it's extremely anxiety-provoking because I'm very likely to be very ill for a while. And I'm not doing very well to begin with and haven't been for a very long time. I've been putting this off as long as I could and then delaying until after Christmas. Then my pdoc was off a week and now we're just hanging. It's hard, the hardest wait I've ever had to go IP because in the past IP has been going to make me better and this time IP will make me much worse and then start the better part but I'll probably not be very we when I leave the hospital so there's just not much to look forward to here.

[jacky8807]

My dad told me he realized there is nothing worth getting anxious over. What is the worst that can happen you know? If its two days from now or two weeks you can't control it so try not to torture yourself
Easier said than done of course lol but maybe distracting yourself from obsessing over it will help
Everything will work out in the end

[raspberrytorte]

I can understand. Being left hanging and not knowing is very hard. I hope everything works out soon!

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

thanks omegaland. This is a difficult situation b/c it's not just a routine hospitalization. I'm going in to rapidly go off 1200 mgs of Seroquel (an enormous dose) and get started on Clozaril which interacts with Seroquel. So it's extremely anxiety-provoking because I'm very likely to be very ill for a while. And I'm not doing very well to begin with and haven't been for a very long time. I've been putting this off as long as I could and then delaying until after Christmas. Then my pdoc was off a week and now we're just hanging. It's hard, the hardest wait I've ever had to go IP because in the past IP has been going to make me better and this time IP will make me much worse and then start the better part but I'll probably not be very we when I leave the hospital so there's just not much to look forward to here.

Will they be able to sedate you heavily while you detox from it?

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm not sure but I'm hoping so. I imagine they'll have to at least at night since I can't sleep WITH the Seroquel right now. But otherwise I don't know what will happen. My dr. just makes recommendations to the hospital drs and what actually happens is to to them. The one who left consulted with her about big decisions; I don't know if the others will. That kind of question is what is so hard; I keep wondering what if I'm seriously manic, what will they do? Or really depressed? I have no idea what I'm like without a strong sedative; I've been on one or more than one since 2002 and that's not counting benzos which aren't as strong as the other meds I've been on. So coming of that is going to make me experience bipolar unmedicated in a whole new way.

[Nammu]

Having plans that you expect to have happen, knowing where you'r going and what to expect...then not only that doesn't happen but their no solid plan to replace it is hard. Your right, its the not knowing that's hardest.

[hopeless2015]

Hugs

Sent from my XT1058 using Tapatalk

[Ocean Swimmer]

Have faith that things are going to work out for you. Keep a positive attitude.
It won't do any good to dream up bad outcomes. Trust the staff that they are there to help you. I'm praying for you. Maxy

[cashart10]

Love you lady. I don't have much to say but I am praying for you.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thanks. I emailed my pdoc this evening, actually for a different reason (I need permission to take valium I already have for sleep...the hospital discontinued my order when I was IP last time and it is usually just a PRN for sleep and I don't want to take it without orders and then go into the hospital saying I'm taking this benzo without permission) and found out my pdoc is off tomorrow. So I'd say this week is out for getting this started. I tried to leave a phone message as well and her secretary apparently didn't turn the voicemail on today or something; it just rings.

I want to be mad at my pdoc but I have no idea what was really said last month and what I had mixed up impressions of because of my mixed state and I was so upset when I saw her. So I may well have been wrong. But I can't believe this is taking so long and that she's not letting me know at least that something is happening. I know she's very busy and I'm far from her only patient but the longer this goes on the longer it feels like she's letting me live like this. And I know that's not true, she made a point of telling me that she doesn't mean to make it feel that way, but I'm so tired of not feeling well. So, so tired of it. And now I feel unwell AND that everything is out of my control.

I don't think I"m focusing on bad outcomes, I have no expectations for that. I know I'll be quite sick in the hospital in all likeliehood. My pdoc told me that when I chose to do that this way. (Starting now to wonder why exactly I chose this "fast" way). That is scary. But otherwise I'm just very anxious about going through something that is uncommon enough I can't find anyone who has done it and can tell me about it. I think that's pretty normal. Focusing on bad outcomes would be assuming the clozaril won't work after I go through all this or that I'll be so destabilized that the Clozaril won't be able to help or that kind of thing. I don't feel that. I just feel this is taking forever and that the waiting is extremely difficult, especially when I was (in my mind at least and I think in reality) told that it would be a week ago which would mean I'd been through a lot of the worst part).

But it is what it is. I'll survive. I just want it to start happening.

[jacky8807]

At this point as long as there are doctors on the floor she should admit you. If it is a good place and it sounds like it is, the doctors will follow through with each other and your drs wishes. It sounds like it's become!ing an emergency.
So although it's not perfect conditions chances are it would work out the way its suppose to and you could hurry up and start the journey to getting better
Every pdoc knows how to taper to medicate symptoms to avoid interactions and all that

Hope you don't have to wait much longer

I'm sorry things are not clear and confusing. I hope that improves soon.

How are you besides that? Still ill?

[BeyondtheRainbow]

My sinus infection is leaving. I'm not feeling sick anymore, just tired but it's hard to know if that's from not sleeping or from the remaining ick. I think in about a week I'll be back to normal.